Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, August 27, 2012

Preventing Female Riots and Sex Strikes

Men around the world should be concerned about the alarming events occurring in Russia.  Some very upset Russian women have gotten involved in something called a “Pussy Riot”.  I don’t understand exactly what it is, but trust me, it can’t be good.

Organizers of the Pussy Riot
This Pussy Riot is a serious threat to men everywhere.  These Pussy Rioters are enflamed and something has stroked passion deep within them.  I know that in most cases this would be a good thing, but here it is a bad thing, a very bad thing.
I am very concerned that the Pussy Riots could spread to this country just as other protests have. Enraged Pussy Rioters could start whining to their friends on Facebook and this movement could suddenly go worldwide.  Already women in Togo have organized a “sex strike”.

It used to be that when you did something stupid and upset your wife; the only other women that got upset were her co-workers and the friends that she called on the phone.  Now because of the “social media” you can actually goof up and fizz off women throughout the world!
But we must take extraordinary measures to head off this Pussy Riot before it starts in America.  Therefore I am imploring men everywhere to enact the following measures immediately and to continue to follow them until this most serious threat has passed.

1.     Always return the toilet seat to its downward and sitting position.
This includes after excursions in the middle of the night and the rushed efforts during commercial breaks in football games.
2.     Actually make an attempt to listen to your wife or significant other (WOSO) when she speaks to you.  
I know this may be burdensome, but you just have to focus more.  If she starts to share one of the problems that her friend is having during the fourth quarter of an important NFL game, just pretend to listen while still focusing on the game.  This is the relational equivalent of Peyton Manning looking off the safety while really watching the receiver on the other side of the field. 

3.     Spend more time on foreplay. 

If you don’t know what foreplay is, you are going to have to Google it.  If you need some new ideas, Google is good for that also.  Just don’t get caught watching the instructional videos or you will cause a Pussy Riot in your own house. 

4.     Extend the duration of the “act” itself.
I realize this combined with #3 is going to eat into the time you spend on your fantasy football league.  But unless you are involved in one of those “high stakes” leagues, preventing a raging Pussy Riot is worth the effort. I have read that humming “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” is a good way to make sure that you spend enough time on the task.  Just remember not to hum out loud.  Other guys say they find it helpful to think about Janet Reno if they find things progressing too fast. 

5.     Be nicer to your mother-in-law.
I have confidence you can do this if you really try.  Just remember that your mother-in-law could end up being one of the irritated Pussy Rioters and you really, really, do not want that.
6.     Pick up your socks and underwear and place them in the hamper. 

It will be herculean efforts like this that will keep the Pussy Riots contained.  In this case your WOSO is correct.  This stuff is really not going to pick itself up. 

7.     Make your own d**n sammich! 

If you’ve forgotten how, you need to use Google once again. 

8.     Take your WOSO out to dinner. 

This must be at a restaurant that does not use plastic utensils.  Always do this the day before a big football game.  Hopefully your WOSO will talk so much at dinner that she will then not cause unfortunate interruptions during the game the next day. 

9.     After dinner, take her to the movie of her choice.
Of course this will be a chick flick and it will probably have an emotional ending that will cause her to cry.  All you have to do is to wait to the end of the movie and think about bad your fantasy football team is going to do because you just wasted two hours in the theatre instead of making some great trades.  This should bring tears to your eyes at just the right moment.
10.  Buy her some flowers. 

When you go to pick up beer for the game, just buy her one of those inexpensive bouquets they have at the store.  If you don’t have enough cash for both, unfortunately you will have to buy a cheaper brand of beer.  Penn State fans are exempt from this one since they are going to need plenty of hard liquor to make it through this season.

I know these actions may seem severe and extreme, but the prospect of Pussy Rioters marching down your street is just too harrowing.  So men, we can get through this if we just stick together and keep our potential Pussy Rioters satisfied.  

Monday, August 13, 2012

Bad Pizza, Man! - Really, Really, Bad Pizza

The summer of 2012 has been one of the hottest on record in Northeast Ohio.  During most extremely hot summers, there is that one time, that one day, when you are so hot or uncomfortable that it burns (a very appropriate term here) into your long-term memory.

This is my “hottest” memory of the scorching summer of 2012.  It was a Friday and the temperature had reached 98 degrees.  I called my favorite pizza place after work as I often do on a Friday, and ordered two, two-topping pizzas.  I was told the order would be ready in 30 minutes which is longer than the standard 20 minute wait.  So I knew that they were busier than normal.  What I didn’t know is that because of the 98 degree heat, everyone and their brother decided not to cook dinner but was ordering pizza instead.

I got to the pizza joint early and there was only one customer waiting so I decided to stay in my car for a while because I assumed that it would be hot inside.  I assumed correctly because the temperature inside had to be near 90 degrees (even with air conditioning) and the air was thick with pizza scent.  It was so thick it was difficult to even breathe.  And this was because of the massive amount of pizza orders that came in right after mine.  Every oven was baking.  The employees were scrambling like mad to make and bake the pizzas. 

The first person in line got her order.  But by now there were five people in line behind me.  They had not been able to wait on me because they were still rushing to make all the pizzas. I had already been waiting five minutes in the Italian sauna.  Sweat was running off my shaved head and dripping profusely off my chin.  I was very hungry and the think smell of baking pizzas was strangely appetizing and nauseating at the same time.  After waiting ten minutes I thought I could die of pepperoni fume asphyxiation.  It was so uncomfortable that I did consider leaving at one point, but I stayed since I still needed something for dinner.

At the 15 minute mark the guy asked who had “two large”, I gave him my name, he checked the bill and I was on my way.  You bet the car air conditioner was fully cranked on my drive home.

When my wife opened the first box she exclaimed, “What did you order?”

“The usual”, I replied.

“Well this is not it!” she declared.

Now we are generally not that picky when it comes to pizza toppings.  I would guess that 99% of pizza topping combinations would be acceptable to us.  Heck if there were three or more standard toppings on the pizza, I would have even come out ahead.  Of course this is what would happen to normal people; it’s not what happens to me.  I will never run out of topics for this blog because my life is so wacked out.

The first pizza contained jalapenos.  Just jalapenos. Lots of jalapenos. Imagine a peperoni pizza covered edge to edge in peperoni, but instead of peperoni, it is covered with sliced jalapenos!   I do like jalapenos, so to show my wife this wasn’t a total disaster I tried to eat the super jalapeno pizza.  I was able to get one piece down and part of the second before I gave up.  This wasn’t just bad pizza, it was nasty pizza. It was the nastiest pizza I have ever eaten in my life. And it made one nasty trip through my body causing issues at every stop.  It inflamed my taste buds, it irritated my stomach lining and it was not too kind to my hemorrhoids upon departure. 

The second pizza was a plain without cheese.  Both pizzas were undercooked, because of course my pizzas were supposed to come out of the oven before these pizzas from hell.  My wife and daughter were able to eat some of the partially cooked dough with tomato sauce (the second pizza).  So we did not starve and I do realize that there are starving people in Africa, but they probably would not have eaten the super jalapeno pizza either.
What type of person orders these types of weird pizzas?  Using my Lieutenant Columbo detective skills I deduced it was a Hispanic vegetarian.  I am glad that we live in a country where Hispanic vegetarians have the freedom and the opportunity to order super jalapeno pizzas, but why, oh, why, did I have to be given this one?

However as disappointed as I was to receive these pizzas, the Hispanic vegetarian had to be even more disappointed to get mine.  He could not have been very happy with my sausage-bacon and pepperoni-ground beef pizzas.  Ironically while his pizzas were barely edible for me, my pizzas were totally inedible for him.  That’s bad pizza.  Bad, bad, pizza in the hot summer of 2012.

Postlude:  I kept my receipt and after explaining the super jalapeno screw up, the pizza parlor graciously gave be a credit for two pizzas, which of course I took care to order on a much cooler Friday.