Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, February 25, 2013

The Retired Pope Should Go Fishing

Pope Benedict XVI (what happens when the get to XXX?) is retiring in a few days and because this is the first pope to retire in 600 years, many people have questions. And my readers are sending these questions to me because they believe I know everything about everything.  So here’s the first edition of “Ask Mr. Know It All”:


Is the pope’s retirement a good thing? – Ida Know, Racine, WI

When the Pope first announced his retirement he was criticized for being lazy and abdicating his responsibility.  After further review, it was determined that this was a sacrificial act of extreme holiness and esteemed godliness.  Both views of course are total hooey.  Let him retire now. What happens if he lives to 95? You don't want the leader of a world-wide institution wearing an adult diaper.


Why has no pope retired in the last 600 years?  Woah Jelly, Boston, MA


Word has it that the retirement benefits are horrible.  There is no pension and the 401-K plan was very bad.


Will the pope be allowed to date after he is retired and how much do you think he is worth? – Ima Golddigger, Trailerpark, TN


No, the pope will not be holding audiences with female callers.  I’m sure his priestly vows are still in effect even though he is no longer pope.  Why don’t you try calling Abe Vigoda.


How does someone go from being pope one day to being ex-pope the next day?  Bill Idiot, Columbus, OH


The de-popification process is a well-guarded church secret.  It has to be a very excruciating procedure if no one has wanted to experience it in 600 years.  Rumor has it that it begins with , well you don't really want to know the rest.  Benedict is either one tough hombre or he never read the manual.


Who was impacted the most by this decision? Dawn Garfield, Boise, ID
It is the poor cardinal who had to go tell God that the Catholic Church was making an unexpected change in leadership.  And reportedly God was really fizzed off by the news since lighting struck St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome right after the announcement (this really happened).    


What will the old pope do in retirement?  Fern Barnes, Daytona FL


The Catholic Church is very concerned about having the ex-pope interfering with the new pope.  Benedict is being exiled to a monastery just outside the Vatican.  They will keep a close eye on him because they don’t want him writing or saying anything that contradicts the teaching of the new pope. So he will be treated just like an Alzheimer’s patient at a nursing home.  They are closing his Twitter account so he can’t tweet something like: “It’s Friday during Lent and I just had a Double Whopper with Cheese – wooo, wooo!"


Reportedly Benedict was offered to star in a new reality show titled “Hey I Used To Be the Pope” which would detail his struggles adjusting to “real” life and would feature one of the Kardashians as his nurse.  The church put the kibosh on this quickly however.
A "heavenly" meal?
I do think that Benedict should just go fishing.  This should be acceptable to the Catholic Church since the first pope was, in fact, a fisherman.  In addition, it is a holy act since fish is an essential part of the Lenten season and without it many big eaters would end up in hell. 


The new pope selection process is so boring with all the secrecy and the puff of smoke.  What can be done to liven it up?   Marvin Switarski, Chicago, IL


I would have a two-hour television show called “Vatican Idol”.  The top candidates would perform papal functions and be evaluated by a panel of cardinals.   You might hear Cardinal Simon proclaim: “A blessing, you call that a blessing?  I don’t feel blessed!  That’s one of the worst blessings I’ve ever seen!


At the end you would crank up the smoke machines have the new pope emerge in full costume from the haze.  He would start to dance and then ---- Vatican Shake!  Yeah! I’d watch that!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

I'm Russian Away From These Women!

Last week I received a very disturbing e-mail at work.  The description read: “Russian Prostitutes Want To Make You Cune”.  I thought I had received this in error, until later in the day when I received a second e-mail.  There was no mistake.  Russian prostitutes were indeed pursuing me.

The e-mail was very strange for several reasons.  They didn’t even try to trick me by saying “Russian Ladies”.  Why they think I am interested in prostitutes, I don’t know.  Hey, does this imply they think I have to pay for it?

And what is so special about “Russian” prostitutes?  Russian women are beautiful, but these are still Eastern-European chicks, right?  I don’t think they cost any less than other prostitutes.  I assume you pay in dollars, not rubles, so the exchange rate is not an issue.  But how did these women get into our country anyway?  I know we have an immigration problem but with Europeans we have U.S. security officers who are trained to subdue these ladies and give them intense, private, interrogations --- oh, never mind.

And then they want to make me “cune”.  This is not a misprint because it was repeated in several e-mails. Look, I am an American citizen and I have certain inalienable rights which I’m sure include life, liberty and not being forced to cune against my will.  So I’m not going to succumb to the wishes of any prostitute, let alone a Russian one!

I was very concerned about these Russian prostitutes because they seemed very aggressive and of course they knew where I worked.  Before leaving that night, I checked out the window to make sure there were not Russian prostitutes draped over my car.  Then I ran to my car, lest the ladies grab me, take me behind the bushes, and make me cune.  I checked the back of my car to make sure no Russians were hiding there.  It would have been difficult to explain this to my wife: “Honey, Svetlana followed me home.  Can I keep her?”

Wants "Hieroglyphic" love letters?
Once home, I was afraid to answer the door or the phone.  If these women knew where I worked, surely they knew where I lived.  I did google “cune” and it returned “cuneiform writing”. So I’m guessing these kinky ladies want to constrain me and force me to communicate with them using hieroglyphics.

The next day there were more e-mails.  These women were not going to stop until they had made me cune.  I reported the e-mails to an IT co-worker.  He advised me not to open the link because I could get a virus.  “Duh”, I said. “These are Russian prostitutes; I could catch a lot worse than that!” He explained that I could get a “computer virus” and then I remembered one of the most embarrassing incidents of my business career.

In May of 2000, the “I Love You Virus” infected millions of computers worldwide.  It is one of the most infamous computer viruses ever.  One morning at work I received an e-mail from “Bodacious Barb” in accounting, with the subject line:  “I Love You”.  If this e-mail came from gay Ben in finance, or old Phyllis in purchasing, I would have quickly deleted it.  Now Barb wasn’t that attractive, but she was indeed “bodacious”, so I opened the e-mail.  The message just said “I love you”.  I did think it very odd of her to send this to me and I wondered how I should act around Barb the next time we met.

An hour later I received an e-mail from IT warning that if you receive an e-mail with “I Love You” in the subject line, that under no circumstances should you open it or you risk doing massive damage to the company’s computer system and could actually cause the building to collapse killing everyone.

The IT guy was very upset with me for opening the e-mail.  As he worked to clean the virus off my computer, we had the following conversation:

IT Guy:  Why did you open this e-mail that had a virus in it?

Me:  I didn’t know it had a virus in it until I opened it.

IT Guy: You should have known it was a virus because it said “I Love You”

Me: When the woman with the biggest breasts in the company sends you an e-mail that says “I Love You”, you have an obligation as a guy to open it.

He then just looked at me stunned and confused.  I wanted to then say: “Look geek-boy, it’s time to quit playing so many video games and get a life!”

So if the Russian Prostitutes are reading this blog post: It’s over between us. Please leave me alone.  I am not interested in your offer.  I do not want you to make me cune.  Go find someone else to make cune.  And if these e-mails are from Bodacious Barb pretending to be a Russian Prostitute: Sorry Barb, you infected me once and that is a real turn-off.