Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

She’s Always A Woman To Me

Often my co-worker Tom will let out a loud sigh which is followed by one of the following questions. “Why is she doing that?”, “Can you believe she made that decision given the alternatives?”, “Why does she have that attitude?” “She is just crazy, right?”

Of course Tom is a newlywed and in the quest for frequent, hot, sex has entered into a very strange, confusing, world.  This is a world where a human brain is fueled by estrogen instead of testosterone.

My answer to all his questions is an easy one: “Tom, you married a woman!”  He looks at me incredulous and then explains the situation in great detail and includes his possible explanations of his wife’s motives.  I listen politely and then render my wisdom gained from many years of marriage and the raising of two daughters.

“You will be very frustrated if you continue to try to figure out the female mind”, I caution.  “You can’t do it. Please stop trying now.”

“But she does things that make no sense.  Things that are clearly wrong, decisions that I would never make!” Tom protests.

“Unfortunately, these decisions and opinions make perfect sense to her”, I explain.

“Well that’s just stupid!” Tom exclaims.

“Many times she thinks your decisions are narrow-minded and stupid”, I say.

“I am never stupid”, says Tom.  “I am very intelligent and have a college degree!”

“In the words of the prophetess Shania Twain: That don’t impress her much”

“Then what am I supposed to do when she does these stupid things?” Tom asks.

“First of all, never call her stupid. You respond to it, you react to it, you dance around it, you try to guide it where you want it to go, but never try to understand it”, I explain.

Recently some male researchers in Germany tried to figure out if men could “read” and understand women by using something called “science”.  They did a study (reported in the journal Plos One) and came to this startling conclusion: MEN CAN’T READ WOMEN’S EMOTIONS. 

Stop the freakin’ presses.  This was another worthless study conducted by Captain Obvious.  If women scientists were asked to conduct this study, they would have laughed hysterically, but Wolfgang and his crew tried to find the secret and failed miserably!

If you need more evidence, mega-genius scientist Stephen Hawking was asked in a 2012 interview if there was anything he could not understand.  His reply: “Women, they are a complete mystery to me”.  So Hawking may be able to understand black holes, but when it comes to understanding other types of , ah, ah, “spaces” (perhaps the spaces between a women’s ears), he is clueless.  He is one of the smartest men alive and he is utterly clueless when it comes to understanding women.

One time I asked a gynecologist friend of mine if he understood women.  He looked at me dumbfounded and said “of course not”.  So if a guy who spends all day staring into women’s ah, ah, “essence”, yeh essence, can’t solve this riddle, then who can?

Well maybe there is one guy who does understand women.  Hugh Hefner at 86 years of age married a 26-year old Playboy Playmate in January.  His bride is very blonde and very, ah, ah, very healthy.  Disregarding any moral judgments or ulterior motives for a moment, you must have some deep, special, knowledge to take a bride this bodacious who is 60, yes 60 years younger. (You also need a tremendously strong cardio system and the capability of buying Viagra by the barrel).  So it may be possible to understand women, but this knowledge is limited to a privileged few.

So Tom is clueless, but won’t admit it.  Hawking is a genius, but knows when he is clueless. And Hef knows the secret, doesn’t talk about it, but just smiles a lot.
A genius about one thing 

A genius about all but one thing

Monday, July 15, 2013

This Sex-Ed Was “Old School” and Effective!

Recently there was an article in the local newspaper on the declining teen birth rate in Ohio (for you younger readers, a “newspaper” is a collection of Internet news articles printed out together on “pages”). This article featured the standard interview with a 19-year old woman (white, by the way, just in case Paula Deen is reading this) who is raising a 7-month old daughter.  I was feeling the expected amount of compassion for this woman, especially since her goal is to become an obstetrician someday.

But near the end of the article there is this revelation (I am not making this up): “She and the father didn’t use birth control, she admitted. But she never thought she would become pregnant”.

There are several things so, so, wrong with this.  We live in the “information age" with books, movies, social media and a gazillion bits of information on procreation and this 18-year old (at the time), could not figure out where babies come from.   Do you see all these people walking around, people on TV, billions in China?  Did you ever wonder how they got here?

Come on, this pregnancy has got to be someone else’s fault.  Of course I was having frequent sex with my boyfriend and I thought things were just fine.  And then out of nowhere, bam, I get pregnant, can you believe it?

The fact she would still admit this to a reporter makes me question if she still has doubts how she ended up pregnant.  I really don’t think she is cut out to be an obstetrician:

Patient: Doctor, I think I’m pregnant.

Obstetrician: Do you have any idea how this could have happened?

Of course she should have learned this in sex education class in high school. But the schools are failing to teach students how to add and subtract, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that they are also failing to teach them how not to multiply.

Fortunately when I was in school my friends and I learned all this important stuff from Coach Gary who taught sex-ed.  We trusted Coach Gary as an authority on the subject because he wore neck chains and aftershave and had had chest hair.  In addition, Coach Gary was known to have made “goo-goo” eyes at Miss Finch the music teacher (who was hot!) and she reportedly made “goo-goo eyes” back!

Coach Gary explained to us that during “certain frictionally activities” a man’s battleship would release millions of seamen into a woman’s “South Pacific Region” (being warm, wet, and south of the equator).  These seamen were very horny sailors and they all tried to penetrate the shoreline. 

Fortunately, most times all the seamen would drown in the ocean.  However if just one of these seamen reached shore, it would lead to a cataclysmic series of events that would lead to you someday having to actually change dozens of “poopy diapers”.  This horrible consequence was enough for us to keep our seamen under control.  What coach Gary failed to mention is that someday the captain of your battleship would “fall in love” and you would actually try to get a seaman on shore, with the ultimate result being changing the poopy diapers.    
This guy wants to score!

Of course the reason the poopy diaper threat was effective is that most guys in my generation felt an obligation to marry the woman if a seaman completed a successful mission. This factor kept most guys from releasing their seamen in the inviting waters of the Slutlantic Sea. 

However today guys indiscriminately sleep with any “doable” chick, knock her up, and suffer no consequences.  The government even pays for it! So after guys do it once, of course they go do it again. It’s a great deal. The government should call it the SSP (Slut Subsidy Program).

We may have been old school, but at least learned how to control our seamen. And thanks to Coach Gary there were fewer unplanned pregnancies and everyone was better off because of it

Monday, July 1, 2013

Don’t Let Just Anybody Cut In Line

As I warned, the winner of the $590 million Mega Millions lottery prize was an 84 year-old Florida woman.  This is just not right.  There is a minimum age to play the lottery; they need a maximum age limit also.  An 84-year old has no business playing the lottery and has no business winning the lottery.  So now while thousands of other lottery players get nothing for their efforts, this woman is enjoying wearing name-brand protective undergarments (which she needs a lot with all the excitement of winning the lottery and whatnot) and eating gourmet pudding (no more box-mix crap).  Just as people under 18 are prohibited from buying tickets because they don’t know what they are doing, old people shouldn’t be permitted to buy tickets for the very same reason.

And this woman seriously did not know what she was doing.  We found out after she claimed the prize that a younger woman had let her cut in line to buy the winning ticket. (The timing of the old lady's purchase is important because she had her winning numbers randomly selected) That’s right; the old lady was oblivious to where the line started.  She heard about the lottery on the radio and thought she could just waltz right up to the counter and buy her ticket.  “Oh look, goodie, there’s nobody in line” when in fact there was a long line!   I’m not sure she even knew she was buying a lottery ticket.  Maybe she thought she was paying her electric bill and they gave her the lottery ticket as a gift because she paid on time.  So this old woman wins mega-millions of dollars instead of much more deserving people like the woman with eight kids from six different men in Ohio and the meth addict in Michigan.

And what about this “kind soul” who let the old lady cut?  Do you realize that you didn’t just let her cut in front of you, but to cut in front of the other 90 people in line?  Your responsibility was not to let her cut, but to direct her to the back of the line. “Oh, way back there? That’s a long line, I can’t even see the end from here.”

Of course the younger woman who granted cuttsies says she came forward to tell her story not because she wanted any credit for being polite, or wanted any sympathy, or heaven forbid, getting a cut of the winnings for granting the cut in line.  If these things are not your motivation, then why the hell are you even talking about it?  Of course we all know that while you are telling this pleasant story on the outside, inside you are thinking: “Look you old bat, I let your sorry a** cut in line.  You owe me; you owe me so very much.  SHOW ME THE MONEY! SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

However the old lady has no concept of just how much $370 million (lump sum) really is   Okay, so I don’t have a concept of what $370 million is either, but that is not the point.  But because the old lady remains clueless, she will probably reward the younger woman by baking her a nice batch of oatmeal raisin cookies (made with fresh raisins of course, because now she can afford them). The younger woman will accept the cookies with a smile and say “How nice!” Of course on the inside she will be thinking “Cookies? Cookies? You stupid old bitch! I let you cut in line and win $370 million and all you give me is some f#@!*&g cookies? Give me some cash! You owe me some cash!

I think this changes the rules about letting someone cut in line.  Of course there are times when common courtesy dictates that you do this: at the grocery, in traffic, etc.  But now if the circumstances are such that the person does not deserve the cut or if it adds a burden to the people behind you in line, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LET THE PERSON CUT! If it makes you feel guilty, just rationalize your decision by thinking “If I let this person cut in line, it could cost me $590 million like that stupid sap in Florida!”