Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, August 26, 2013

Dr. Oz Is Full Of It

One of the biggest blowhards around today is this guy, Dr. Oz.  Dr. Oz is a medical doctor who apparently is smarter than any doctor that has ever lived.  He is also smarter than all the doctors alive today put together.  Dr. Oz gives advice on any and all medical and health issues and it is all absolutely, positively, completely, accurate!  We know this because Oprah Winfrey says it is true.   And Oprah is the closest thing we have to a modern day Buddha (both in wisdom and weight).  Dr. Oz has so much great advice that he needs a television show, books and a web site, to be able to proclaim it all.

So it may come as a shock to millions of people around the world, but due to my exhaustive research and powers of deduction I have determined that: DR. OZ IS FULL OF S**T!

Here is my evidence:

-         Dr. Oz obviously is from the Land of Oz, which means his medical license is from Oz and this is one wacky place.  I suspect some weird medical experiments have been conducted in Oz.  Think about it. The Tin Man had his heart removed, but still was able to function.  The Scarecrow had his brain removed but was still able to speak.  The Cowardly Lion was a male beast, but lacked courage.  This probably meant they had removed his ozzies, for medical research.

This is why much of Dr. Oz’s advice sounds as if it came from monkeys flying out of his butt.  This stuff may work on munchkins, but not for real people in the real world.  Just as the Wonderful Wizard turned out not to be so wonderful, Dr. Oz will someday be exposed as a fraud.  Pay no attention to the man in the blue scrubs, because: DR. OZ IS FULL OF S**T! 

-         Dr. Oz recently wrote an article saying all the things your mother did to treat your childhood ailments were wrong and did not really help you at all.   So Dr. Oz thinks he knows more than my mom about basic medicine.   Really, really Dr. Oz?

Whenever I was sick or needed any treatment, my mom did just the right thing to make me feel better.  Mom told me I would get well and I always did.  So if Dr. Oz thinks he knows more than my mom about making boo-boos heal fast, then DR. OZ IS FULL OF S**T!

-         Women listen and believe Dr. Oz because he is a good looking doctor.  Chicks dig doctors because they have loads of cash and it’s just a bonus if they are considered cute.

I first heard of Dr. Oz when my co-worker Shelia announced that she had gone orgasmic because of this “doctor” she watches on television.  I asked her if her husband was enjoying this and she said her husband was not doing this with her!  When I inquired further she told me it was all about orgasmically types of food.  I ended the conversation at this point because whatever she was doing with any cucumbers because of Dr. Oz should not be discussed at work.

Regardless, the choice of a healthcare professional should never be influenced by their appearance.  Of course an obvious exception is made for Swedish nurses, which I recommend be applied to my body whenever I get a headache.   So even though women love him: DR. OZ IS FULL OF S**T!

If all this isn’t bad enough, Dr. Oz always has that stupid smirk on his face.  It’s the type of smirk I have seen on upper management my entire business career.  The type of smirk that says: I'm peddling this huge crock of s**t and getting paid big bucks to do so.  In Dr. Oz’s case he is also making your woman go orgasmic in the process. 

So to review: Dr. Oz thinks he is brilliant.  Dr. Oz says lots of medical stuff.  But in reality: DR. OZ IS so, so, FULL OF S**T! 

Sunday, August 18, 2013

The Sanibel Vacation Chronicles –Part 4 (the epilogue)

Vacation is an interesting word.  It means to vacate your current “residence” to temporarily escape to a better place. All other words from the same root: evacuate, vacant, eviction, have negative connotations, but vacation is one of the most wonderful words in the English language.  There is no word for “returning from vacation” because we do not assign words to concepts this and disgusting.

I really, really, needed this vacation.  I had let issues, problems and circumstances create an unhealthy amount of stress the last few months.  I actually experienced burnout about ten days before my vacation and just sort of drifted through the haze until departure day.

This vacation needed to be awesome and it was. It was one of my best vacations ever. It was a time of total relaxation when I did not think or worry about anything.  A friend once told me I think too much and she is so right.  So I shut down the think tank for a week and cleared out the gunk.

Meanwhile those issues, problems and circumstances didn’t go anywhere last week. No, they were still waiting for me upon my return.  But incredibly, even though I was not there to worry about them, my problems did not get any worse last week!  Yes the situations remain, but I am now recharged, refreshed and rejuvenated and in a much better condition to deal with them than just a week ago.

It will be a challenge to “re-engage” and actually care about things after escaping to “the island of no cares” (my new name for Sanibel) for a week.  I imagine Monday morning at work will be enough to slap me back into a “caring” reality.

The Best Thing I Saw On Vacation

No, it wasn’t the beach “bums”!  It was the awesome Sanibel sunrises.  People actually line the beach to view it.  It is beyond description. (See my daughter’s photo) It is so beautiful you have to be careful to occasionally glance away, because of course you are looking into the sun.  I actually gazed too long Tuesday morning and had some spots in my eyes for a few minutes.

The Thing I Won’t Miss

The sounds your rubber sandals make after they get wet.  I labeled these “the sandal farts”.

My Biggest Regret

I wore my new, orange, clam diggers to the beach, found a shovel and started digging for clams. Alas, I found no clams even though I was wearing the appropriate pants!  I thus had to pay for clams at the restaurant and those lazy bums didn’t even take them out of the shell for me! While digging for clams I noticed this woman watching me from behind.  After a few minutes I turned around and faced her.  She looked away suddenly, blushed, and then walked away. Why, I think she was staring at my bum!  She was a bum looker!  Okay, so she was a senior citizen.  At my age, I’ll take it.

My Biggest Surprise

I rented the 2014 Chevrolet Impala which recently won the “Best In Class Award” from Consumer Reports.  It is a tremendous ride.  I can not believe it is a Chevrolet!

Final Count From Sanibel Island – The Shelliest Beach in the U.S.A.:

Shells Collected: 0

Bums Looked At:  Okay, so I may have hit triple digits.  Next time I am going to take one of those hand-held counters.  I don’t think they make a “bum looking” app for a smart phone (but maybe they should).

I am happy to announce that I am working with Jimmy Buffet in writing the lyrics for his new, sure-to-be-a hit single, “I’m a Bum Looker”:

She raised up her bum
Then I spilled all my rum
And it carried on out to the sea
Yes, I’m just a bum looker
My eyes oh they took her ….

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

The Sanibel Vacation Chronicles - Part 3

The Water Is Super Fine

I finally entered the warm, sauna-like, waters of the Gulf.  This is actually part of the brain rejuvenation process because it involves immersing my just shaved head into the salt water.  This experience is exhilarating and painful at the same time, but it loosens up any remaining gunk left in my cranium.
My main challenge was to properly secure myself into my swimsuit because unlike Anthony Weiner, I don’t enjoy publically displaying my junk. This is especially true when “shrinkage” is involved.

The water felt so good I spent an extended time in the ocean.  Of course this gave me a prime position to “observe” the women gathering shells on the shoreline.  At one point the ladies ran back up the shore.  This alarmed me because I thought a shark had been spotted, which would have been really, really, bad considering my location.  However, the cause of the concern was a “Bum Looker Alert” which means a bum looker had been spotted in the vicinity.  I do believe this was a false alarm because I carefully peered over the entire area and saw no sign of the perpetrator.  

Vacation Reading List

I decided to read a fiction book this year on vacation.  This is unusual because I do not enjoy reading fiction.  This is because I did some research a while ago and was able to determine that stuff written in fiction books is not true, in effect, it is actually false.  Apparently so called “fiction” writers can just make stuff up, total fabrications if you will, and people actually buy it.  Just like politicians!

The reason I choose fiction this year is that my childhood friend Tim Stutler just published his second novel, Hillari’s Head.  I just finished the book, but I can’t give you an accurate review. This is because I don’t read novels and thus I have nothing to compare it to.  However I will say this: I don’t like reading fiction, but I really enjoyed reading this book!  So I sense Hillari’s Head is a very good novel and you should read it if you like novels and especially if you enjoy courtroom drama.

Tim Stutler is an outstanding writer.  This means that although I am a good writer, I am not even the best writer in my high school graduating class!  Not bad for a city school.

I Shall Return

After my first two vacation chronicle posts, there were several reports on the Internet that I was having such a great time in Florida that I had decided to stay here permanently and was not returning to Ohio.  Those rumors are false.  Any thoughts of staying here were shattered when I found out the “modest” condo where I am staying has an asking price of around $600,000.  So yes I will be coming home.  But I am a bit concerned with the congratulatory, enthusiastic, e-mail I received from my boss after he heard the rumors that I would not be returning to Ohio.

Most Interesting Thing I Saw Today:

I enjoyed watching the pelicans eat breakfast near the shoreline at sunrise. 

Monday, August 12, 2013

The Sanibel Vacation Chronicles – Part 2

The Brain Rejuvenation Continues

This morning I took a four mile walk on the beach and thought about …. absolutely nothing.  On previous vacations these morning walks were used to do heavy thinking about what ever was worrying me at the time.   Today I was focused on the awesome sunrise and seagulls.  
The Sanibel Sunrise

I noticed seven seagulls standing on the beach in formation so for a moment I stood by them as the eighth gull.  Gulls make irritating noises and poop at random, so I think they accepted me as the “Gullman”.  This made me feel like one of those “nature guys” on animal planet.

Going Timeless

Get this, for most of the day I did not even where my watch!  That’s right, when I was at the beach if someone asked what time it was, I didn’t know. Whooooo, whoooo!  This gave me a great sense of freedom.  I am still wearing my underwear down here however because, of course, freedom has its limits.

Doing Nothing

I am really enjoying doing nothing.  When you think about it, when you were seven years old you got to do nothing every day during the summer.  This was before peer pressure, relationships, financial pressures, work, etc. In other words, these were the best times of your life, but you were seven, so you had no realization just how good the days were and how challenging life would someday become.

This is why vacation is so important.  So don’t e-mail me, don’t text me.  “Don’t feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone”.  This includes work.  Don’t bother me.  Just figure it out on your own.  Unless someone is about to die, I am too busy doing nothing. 

Testing Significance

Today on my morning walk, I did spit in the ocean just to see if it made a difference.  I am happy to report that it did not.  Although maybe the long term results may differ.

However relaxing at the beach does sometimes create some weird, crazy, thoughts like the one where I quit my job and begin writing as a career.   Wow, that is a crazy thought.  And all the people who have suggested that to me in the past are crazy people too!  Especially you, Stephanie.

The Most Interesting Thing I Saw Today

This evening I saw an attractive woman wearing a one-piece swim suit that was red on top, but  a light pink (flesh-like) color on the bottom.  This made it appear she was airing out her hoo-hah in the evening breeze.  I thought that maybe the beach might be semi-nude after 7 p.m.  If not, I thought a Hoo-Hah alert might need to be issued.  “Warning, a hoo-hah has been spotted on the beach.  Please proceed with caution.  I did want to get a photo of the woman, but I was worried her boyfriend might object and punch me in the head.

Shelling Update:

Shells Collected: 0

Bums Looked At: Er, eh, … I think I lost count.  But unlike Cleveland Indian batters, I have not been caught looking!

Sunday, August 11, 2013

The Sanibel Vacation Chronicles – Part 1

This week I am vacationing on beautiful Sanibel Island, Florida.  The goal of the vacation is to total recharge, refresh and rejuvenate and to forget about work, worries, blogging and any other crap for an entire week. Okay, so maybe not the blogging part.  Obviously, I do need more discipline (woman reading this post who are dominatrices, please disregard this statement).

Go To Shell(s) 

Sanibel Beach is the most shelliest beach in the U.S.  I was told this by my stock broker before I left and this information proved to be much more accurate than his investment picks.  This has proved to be a distraction however.  One of the ways I defrag my brain is to take long, early morning, walks on the beach.  But, this morning I was continually distracted by beautiful, young, women in bikinis and shorts bending over to pick up seashells.   I may have not learned the art of shell collecting, but I am intently studying the technique of shell gathering by these ladies.  I guess I am not so much of a beach bum as I am a beach bum looker.  

Naturally, shell collecting is very popular here.  You can see dozens of people walking around staring at the beach even in the heat (103 heat index today – hoo yah!) looking for shells.  I even came up with a shell rap for all these Shellers: 

I think this guy is a bum looker!
It’s all about the shell game (uh huh)

You need to know my shell name (uh huh)

I got me some shell bling (yeh, yeh)

I’m the undisputed shell king (oh yeah)



Funniest Thing I Saw Today 

There was a guy jogging past me on the beach this morning who was shirtless and wearing a pulse monitor band around his chest.  From the back he looked like he was wearing a bikini top.  Later when he ran back towards me I was tempted to yell, “Hey buddy, nice tits!”, but then I realized it would be just a bit hypocritical coming from someone with middle-aged man boobs.

Fort Myers Is For Geezers 

The average age of the population of the nearby city of Fort Myers is ah, deceased.  It is literally where old people go to die.  Because of this you see some strange television commercials.  My favorite so far is this guy enthusiastically hawking cremations that are: DIGNIFIED AND AFFORDABLE!   

I don’t know what an undignified cremation would consist of.  A guy shows up with a gas can and a Bic lighter perhaps?  And do you really care how dignified this is since you are already dead.  Does the fry guy wear gloves and a suit and tie?  Anyway the dude in the commercial is way, way, too eager and happy about turning you into a pile of ashes.  If I did decide to purchase this service, there is no way I would sign the papers at their facility.  Oh no, I’m mailing that contract in.  Because of course you do not want to get burned.  At least prematurely, that is.