Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Do Not Blame Squirrels For Power Outages

Recently I saw a disturbing headline: Squirrel blamed for $300K damage to Indiana building.  This follows a story last year which claimed that squirrels were responsible for more than 50 power disruptions last summer.

I think you a very alarming trend that needs to be addressed. Squirrels are being unfairly blamed for things they had absolutely nothing to do with. This “blame the squirrel” mentality needs to stop now.
I'm innocent, I tell ya, I'm innocent!

Squirrels are extremely focused creatures. They only really care about two things, food and sex.  When you see squirrels scurrying around your yard, they are busy hunting for food.  When you don’t see them in the yard, well then, uh “hubba, hubba”.  Of course they then emerge from the squirrel tryst very hungry, so then it is time to hunt for food again.

Now I realize some feminists will say that makes squirrels equivalent to the average American male, but you are so wrong.  There is a huge difference in that squirrels do not care about sports and cars, so you can just stick it feminists.

This laser focus on food and sex has enabled squirrels to survive for eons regardless of how their environment has been changed by urban development.  It also helps that even though squirrels are rodents, they are cute rodents and don’t spread disease.  It’s amazing what an attractive tail will do for you.  Just ask Kim Kardashian.

The major problem with squirrels and electrical systems is that a squirrel will go any place where there might be food.  Similar to your cousin Kenny who shows up at family gatherings he was not invited to.  Engineers design electrical systems to be isolated to keep humans from danger.  However, the squirrel thinks this structure has been designed as a way to hide the food.  I mean that’s what a squirrel would do.  And it is also very private, a very good place for hot squirrel sex.

So instead of blaming the squirrel, should we not hold the engineers responsible for designing systems that can be compromised so easily by a single rodent?  I think it’s time for some real accountability.  Should not the headlines read?

Incompetent Engineer’s Mistake Revealed By Intelligent Squirrel

Power Outage the Result of Engineer Being Dumber Than Squirrel

Engineering Blunder Results in No Power and Dead, Heroic, Squirrel

Dumber than the average squirrel
These engineers are so lucky that there are no squirrel attorneys because this is a case of extreme defamation of character.  Unfortunately because squirrels are so focused on food and sex, they never developed an interest in the law.  If they had, they would sue your bleeping nuts off!

In the Indiana case, a squirrel got into the electrical system of a new community center resulting in a power surge that damaged the heating and cooling systems.  The squirrel, as always, did not survive.

Isn’t this a blatant case of blaming the victim?  Once again, the engineer gets no reprimand.  He is able to shift the blame to the poor squirrel without any consequences whatsoever.  It’s great to be able to blame stuff on the dead; you don’t get much in the way of rebuttal, do you?

Well, you were wrong this time! This squirrel has an advocate.  You are one lousy, stinking, sorry excuse for an engineer.  You should be ashamed of how totally stupid you are and your college should revoke your degree.  Next time maybe use a little chicken wire you stupid dips**t. 

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

You Cannot Put A Value On Fine Art

The “art world” is a very peculiar place.  For example, I just read that an “abstract” painting consisting of “a canvas painted blue with a white line” sold for almost $44 million last year.
Sold for $43.8 million!

Now you may laugh, but that just means you do not truly understand, nor appreciate, fine art.  The art world is divided into two groups; those who “get” art and those who don’t.  Your reward if you are a member of the esteemed “in” group is that you get to dress up all fancy, eat smelly cheese, sip imported wine, and make snooty comments as you peruse the works in the gallery.  It also permits you to spend extravagant amounts of money to decorate your walls with what you and other “club” members consider the finest paintings. And they are very fine and you know that because you paid so much for them.

I know this will surprise you, but I have never been the artsy-fartsy type.  Okay, let me rephrase that. I have never been artsy, the other part I do very well. But it’s not like the education system failed me.  I took art class in school and I even won a red ribbon for a drawing I did in second grade.  Unfortunately, my talent never progressed beyond that level. (I only remember this because my mother kept the drawing and I found it when going through her stuff after she died).  In college they made us take “culture” classes where we had to memorize art-related facts such as Rembrandt painted the Mona Lisa.  I think the only reason they taught us this is so you don’t look like a total uncultured buffoon if the topic ever comes up in conversation.

Unprepared as I was, I recently had to enter the “art world”.  I have written previously about setting up an “executive” home office for my new job.  And to have a genuine executive office, you need a piece of fine art hanging on the wall.

Because of my limited knowledge, I needed to find an artist.  I was concerned because I had read where many artists were starving.  I did not want to visit a studio and find the person passed out on the floor begging me for food.  I wondered if I should bring a sandwich with me for the artist just in case.

Due to these concerns I tried to find an Ethiopian artist.  I figured Ethiopians should make great starving artists. I mean they got the starving thing mastered; all they need to do is learn the art part.  By the same logic Ethiopians should also make great super models since they have little problem functioning without eating.

Much to my disappointment, I could not find one Ethiopian artist in my area.  Fortunately, I was able to find an artist named George Roush.  George is neither starving, nor Ethiopian, but he is talented and he does have a studio.  His works are considered “abstract” and “minimalist”.  Unfortunately “minimalist” describes the style of the paintings, not the price.  But when selecting art for an executive office, price is an insignificant factor.

After careful evaluation, unaided by any brie or chardonnay, I made my selection.  After carefully transporting the masterpiece home, I proudly
presented my cultured acquisition to my wife.  Exquisite art is supposed to enflame passions and this original George Roush did just that.

Wife: WHAT IS THAT?????????

Me: Why it’s an original George Roush.


Me: It’s an artistic, abstract, expression.


Me: Can you really put a price on such an exquisite work as this?

Wife: There was a number written on the check …

Me: Those are mere figures written by a pen.  They cannot be compared to the images on this canvas.

Obviously, the problem is that my wife is just one of those people who does not appreciate, nor understand, fine art.  Unlike me, who is now considered an art connoisseur after making such a sophisticated procurement. I mean, she just doesn’t get it, does she?

It is a great painting, if I say so myself. I expect this piece to greatly appreciate in value. If the painting with the one white line is worth $44 million, my original George Roush, which I must point out contains multiple white lines, should be worth much more than that someday.

Monday, April 7, 2014

You Should Not Mix Sex With Golf

A Playboy model and a radio show host are involved in a lawsuit over a “golfing” related incident from 2012.   Liz Dickson agreed to lie on her stomach with her buttocks exposed while Kevin Klein hit a golf ball atop a tee placed between her butt cheeks. (I am not making this up).

This gives a whole new meaning to the term “tee box” and it has to be the best method of “improving your lie” ever.  However there are several problems with this.

Now I know women will not understand why a man would even think of doing this.  But if a guy comes up with an idea that results in a beautiful woman lying at his feet with her tush exposed, that is sheer genius.  In addition, this stunt combines sex and sports interacting together.  Any golfing activity involving Playboy models is close to nirvana for many men.

But there lies the problem.  Golf requires total concentration.  It necessitates that you focus intently on the target.  Unfortunately when faced with a golf ball teed between the buttocks of a Playboy model, there is confusion about what the true target really is.  The male brain has difficultly handling this type of conflict.  The male brain consists of the Upper Processing Unit (UPU) which handles all functions except one and is very logical and rational.  However there is also the Lower Processing Unit (LPU) which is totally focused on matters of the “sensual” variety.  Unfortunately, the LPU has the ability to totally shut down the UPU when it deems it necessary.  This particular golf shot creates severe conflict between the UPU and the LPU. Author Stephen James Outram is correct: There's No Sex In Golf!

In addition, this is considered a “trick shot” and presents some golfing challenges.  First of all, the ball is setting much higher than if it were teed on the ground.  To compensate for this the swinger should choke up on the club.  However, “choking up” is not considered manly and would lessen the machismo factor of hitting a ball on the bare buns of a hot woman.  Secondly, you could use less club.  But when trying to impress a Playmate, you want more club, not less club.  Playboy models like bigger clubs so you are going to whip out the biggest club you got.  Under the circumstances I believe a wedge (or maybe a wedgie) would have been best, but Klein used his large-headed pingger.

Dickson: An impressive "front nine"
but a spectacular "back nine"
The other problem is that even with the ball teed up; he was not hitting off a “flat” surface.  As research for this post, I had to carefully examine several photos of Miss Dickson.  While she is a very beautiful woman, if she was a golf course she would be known for her impressive “back nine”.   And just as sharp curves on a golf course can make shots difficult.  Dickson’s curves made this shot a real challenge.

So it should be no surprise with all these challenging factors in play that when Klein took a strong, manly, swing, he did not hit a good shot.  Under normal circumstances you would have said he “grounded” his club, but in this case that meant he struck Dickson square in the ass.  This resulted in Dickson suffering “severe injuries” some of which are “permanent”.  As a result, Dickson is suing Klein for $500,000.

Of course I am siding with Miss Dickson.  You could say she deserves what happened because she was stupid enough to participate in these shenanigans. But I contend Playboy models are expected to display their wares, be entertaining, and to accommodate men’s fantasies, and that is exactly what she was trying to do. 

And I believe $500,000 is a fair price because you damaged literally a “masterpiece”, well at least a master piece of … well, you get the idea.  This was a work of art and I have heard art critics in this realm say that “Good, ah, art of this nature, is hard to find”.

I hope that Miss Dickson prevails and recovers from her injuries.  I don’t know much about therapeutic massage, but if Miss Dickson needs someone to tend to her physical therapy needs and get her back in the swing of things, I would be willing to lend a hand (or two) for absolutely no charge.  Because that’s just the type of guy I am.