Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, February 23, 2015

Science Says: Make Me A Sammich

Every day, all across this great land, men make a familiar demand:

“Hey woman, make me a sammich!”

And most often their woman replies:

“Get off your a$$ and make your own damn sandwich!”

This dialogue keeps repeating itself in an endless, futile, loop in which neither the man or the woman achieves any degree of satisfaction, so there must be more going on here than appears.  If guys were more polite, they might actually get the sammich and even when they fail, they would irritate the woman less, which would increase their chances of getting some sex later that day.

But no, the men keep demanding and women keep refusing. I believe this has to do with men desperately trying to assert their authority in one of the last bastions available to them.  In days of yore, men held dominant authority over women.  Men were free to do whatever they wanted.  They were free to make stupid decisions without interference or guidance.  But now women have become educated, informed and empowered which has limited the amount of stupid mistakes, and of course fun, that men can have. (I wanted to use the word “uppity” instead of "empowered" but my friend Lori said I couldn’t)

At one time if a woman disobeyed her husband, he would put her across his knee and give her a good spanking.  Those days are long gone, unless of course she is a fan of Fifty Shades of Grey. But then you have to be prepared to aaaah haaaa, and oh boy, and then, oooh weee! But I digress.

Now you may think men are more engaged in this sammich-making issue than women, but you would be mistaken.  This subject is very important to women as these examples illustrate:

Many years ago I was eating my lunch in the company break room when a female acquaintance asked a seemingly harmless question: “Did your wife make that sandwich?” To which I answered: “Yes”

Then this chickee babe went on a feminista rant (in front of my friends) about what a pig I was, forcing my wife to make me sandwiches! I didn’t argue with her because she was so off base.  At that time my wife had left the workforce to raise our daughters.  She made the sandwiches as a way to support me as the sole moneymaker. I never asked her to make me sandwiches; she did it because she wanted to.

A few years later another female associate, in the same lunchroom, asked me the same exact question.  I was taken back again by the inquiry, but I was relieved to now be able to give the correct answer. “No”, I said confidently.

But then Holly Homemaker went off on my spouse, criticizing her for being a dreadful wife and not taking care of my needs. Of course Holly was just as off base as the feminista. 

Now my children were older and my wife had returned to full-time work.  She was extremely busy with everything, so making my sandwiches was my responsibility.  I felt absolutely no resentment about this.

I don’t understand why these women were so interested in my sandwiches. I felt their questions were intrusive because what happens between the sheets, in this case the sheets of bread, should be private and not the topic of a public, especially workplace, discussion.

So you see that this sandwich making stuff is way more important than you realized. This conflict could have raged on unabated, but last year something wonderful, almost miraculous, happened.  Scientists conducted a scientific study, using science principles to determine the impact of hunger on married couples.  The results of the three-year, extremely scientific project, was reported by the National Academy of, get this, Sciences.  The study was even conducted at the Ohio State University, where apparently when they aren’t preparing to win football games, actually do scientific stuff like this.

Now I consider most studies of this type stupid, wasteful, inane, worthless, and hogwash, especially those done at Ohio State, because it diverts resources from important projects, like winning more football games.  But the results of this study are so accurate, so important, and so impactful, that I must rate it as the greatest scientific study ever conducted.

The study found that when people are hungry, they are more likely to get angry with their spouses.  This combination of hungry and angry, which they labeled “hangry”, causes couples to argue and have intense confrontations.

Of course there is a very simple way to cure a man who is hangry and restore marital bliss: WOMEN, MAKE HIM A SAMMICH!  Yes, now there is scientific evidence that when men demand a sammich, it is best for everyone if women comply.  It has now been scientifically proven by science, so you can’t argue
The key to marital bliss?
against it.

Think of it this way ladies, when your man requests a sandwich, he is not really just asking for something to eat.  No, he realizes he is hangry and needs nourishment in order to create a loving, caring, wonderful, soul-mateful, relationship with you.  One in which, he loves and adores you, he asks about your needs and concerns, he truly listens to your every word and knows and respects your feelings.  That’s what he really wants.  And you can have all of that, just by making a simple sandwich.

And it stands to reason that after the man has eaten the sandwich, he will engage in deep, intimate, meaningful, interaction with the woman which will lead to something fantastic.  The man has intense feelings for the woman because she has relieved his hanger; the woman has strong vibes for the man because he is now showing her love.  Their eyes meet, their hearts melt, their souls merge, which leads to: hubba hubba, homina, homina, boing, boing, boing, sis boom bah, ahhhhhhhh!  

I would label this “hot sandwich sex” except the term “sandwich sex” is already in use for describing several different activities, which I will not define here.  Let just say the request, “Women make me a sandwich”, is totally different than what we are talking about.

No, let’s just call it Post-Hangry Unification Coupling. Yes, that’s a great name for it.

So women remember this:  Next time your husband requests a sandwich, even if he does it in an impolite manner (he’s hangry for Pete’s sake), science says you should make him the sandwich.

That’s right, just make him the damn sammich woman, make him the damn sammich!

To read the article on the study : Click here

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Wiping Away This Super Bowl Memory

Well, the big game is over and it produced the crappiest play in Super Bowl history. And I’m not talking about passing the ball from the 1-yard line either. No, the play in question is Seahawk receiver Doug Baldwin pretending to take a dump in the end zone after catching a touchdown pass in the third quarter.  This is so wrong on several accounts.

Baldwin had just reached the pinnacle moment of his career.  He is standing in the end zone and has just achieved football glory.  He does not get 15 minutes of fame, only 30 seconds.  But it is highly concentrated fame, with 160 million viewers worldwide watching his every move.  And it is at this moment that Baldwin decides he will celebrate his stellar accomplishment, by placing the football on the ground, pretending to pull down his pants, and then squatting over the ball and mimic pooping on it. So his highly anticipated next move was pretending to move his bowels. 
Baldwin showing off his "moves"

Poop!, yes, his statement was poop.  His message was poop.  Now you didn’t see this monstrosity, because NBC quickly cut to another camera when he did the pants thing.  Wouldn’t you love to hear the production audio on that one? -

Cut! He’s pooping! He’s pooping! Go to Camera 4 now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s hard to understand the mentally of why you would want to take a fake crap while the world is watching.  His explanation was the equivalent of what a 4-year old might say after taking a real dump on the floor. Fake pooping is not acceptable anywhere out of the grade school playground and even then you make sure no girls are present.

The NFL was not pleased.  It is rumored that NFL Commissioner took a real sh!+ in his pants after Baldwin’s antics.  Baldwin was subsequently fined $11,025 for the incident.  Reportedly, the extra $25 was for industrial butt wipes to clean the spot he left on the end zone.  Perhaps Baldwin got confused by the term “end zone”.

As disgusting as this was, there is a much bigger issue at play.  The Super Bowl is not anything about poop.  No, it is totally non-poop.  It is the anti-poop. I am guessing there is less poop produced while the Super Bowl is played than at any daytime period during the year.

Nobody wants to poop during the Super Bowl.  You could miss the big play and there is no way to inconspicuously slip away and do your business during this game.  And for sure you don’t want to poop when you are attending a Super Bowl party, for fear of stinking up the host’s bathroom:

I forget who won the 2011 contest, but wasn’t that the year we had to watch the rest of the game in the garage and burn candles because Joe took that nasty dump at halftime?

Not having to poop during the game is part of a fan’s pregame preparation.  You make sure you get plenty of fiber and drink plenty of water, so your game-day poop takes place in the morning and you are thoroughly cleansed by kick-off.  Unfortunately, with 160 million people involved, there are probably millions of people who need to poop during the Super Bowl but hold it in until the game is over.

So the Super Bowl is the ultimate no-poop event. That is why there are no laxative commercials, no adult diaper commercials, no fiber commercials and no toilet paper commercials during the game.  And especially no commercials for prescription drugs like this one:

Side effects include: explosive diarrhea, green poopies, humongous stools and sh!++ing brick-like objects.

So the danger of doing a poop dance during the Super Bowl is immense.  It would be the visual equivalent of a brown note (a hypothetical infrasonic frequency that would cause humans to lose control of their bowels due to resonance. - Wikipedia).  If Baldwin’s poop dance would have been shown, millions of viewers who were trying to hold it in until the end of the game would have simultaneously filled their pants.  I’m sure some people, who did see the “poop dance” live at the stadium were injured racing to the rest room to secure a stall.

That’s why there is no place for any mention, any reference, and especially any displays of pooping at the Super Bowl.  It needs to remain a totally poop-free zone.  Unfortunately, thousands of Seattle Seahawk fans still ended up sh!++ing themselves at the end of the game, but that is the price of making a call that bad. Everyone was concerned about the Patriots deflating the footballs but no one expected the Seahawks fans to over- inflate their underpants at the end.