Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

I Now Have the iPhone, the iPhone6

I have a major announcement to make: I now have the iPhone, the iPhone6.

I know this comes as a shock to everyone, especially to those of you owning the iPhones 1,2,3, 4, or 5, since I just moved ahead of you on the high technology ladder, because I have the iPhone, the iPhone6.

Likewise, you cavemen who are operating at 1, 2 or 3 G’s, the iPhone, the IPhone6, operates at a superior 4 G’s.  Four G’s people, four full G’s!  I was initially concerned when I first heard about the 4 G’s because I thought that was the price of the phone.  No, the phone doesn’t cost nearly 4G’s, but then again after adding on all the accessories, the price came a lot closer to 4G’s than you might think.

The iPhone, the iPhone6
I realize that back in October 2011 I wrote a post that implied that smartphones were a big sham and only used by techno-snobs who just wanted to flaunt their phone superiority in everyone’s faces.  But I am happy to report that is absolutely no longer the case, since I made the brilliant decision to get the iPhone, the iPhone6.

To make this monumental transformation I made my first visit to a “phone” store.  I told the guy at the door I was here to buy the iPhone, the iPhone6 and he paired me up with Solutions Specialist Jessica.  Because I sometimes have issues learning new technologies, I needed a really good specialist.
Jessica was sporting several interesting tattoos.  Typically this would have made me nervous, but I realized I was purchasing something very fresh and high-tech, so tattoos actually gave her more credibility.  Also, because I prefer women without tattoos, this would also enable me to focus on what Jessica was saying and not focus on Jessica. Finally, she had NDB, Non-Distracting Breasts (a new term).  It wasn’t tit-for-tat, it was just tats and in this case that was a very good thing.

There was an awkward moment when Jessica asked to see my current phone. I sheepishly pointed to my dinky, dumb, Samsung.  She smiled mockingly, the kind of smile a woman gives a new lover after he reveals his gear and she finds it wanting. (Not that this has ever, ever, happened to me) But I will never be embarrassed by the appearance of my phone again, because I am now packing the iPhone, the iPhone6 in a very stylish, expensive, case. 

Jessica knew she had a challenge, but we got through it and I was now equipped to conquer the world with my iPhone, the iPhone6.  She even copied “my photos over to the new phone, all 11 of them” giving me that same smirk again.  When I became alarmed that she may have looked at my photos without my permission, I actually made her blush! Score one for the middle-aged guy.  But it was just a bluff; it’s not as if she would have found any naked photos of me and Jennifer Lawrence together, right?

I know you are wondering why I, with my technological deficiencies, would get the iPhone, the IPhone6.  Well, there were several times during the past year when I was in predicaments that could have been solved by having a smart phone.  Unfortunately my friend Scott was always quick to point this out.  He would say, “You know that would not have been a problem if you had a smart phone?”  To which I would look down at the ground and mumble “Yeah, I know”.  Sometimes that Scott can be a real jerk, so now he can just shut his pie-hole, because I have the iPhone, the iPhone6.

Another reason is that recently I was at a concert seated behind a grandmother who was using a smart phone!  I don’t mind getting passed by on the technological super highway, I do mind when the person passing me is using a walker.  So stick it granny! I’m back in the lead! Because I have the iPhone, the iPhone6.  

And I have become more popular because of my new phone.  I had breakfast with my friend Tori and she couldn’t take her eyes off my phone.  Finally she asked if she could touch it.  When we left she asked me to text her. “About what?” I inquired. “Doesn’t matter, I just want you to text me with that thing!” she exclaimed.  The waitress that morning at Cracker Barrel was duly impressed with my iPhone, the iPhone6.  She got so stimulated I thought she was going to pop a hairpin.

Carly reacts to the news about my iPhone!
This phone has made me so fly that if I said “But here’s my number so call me” to Carly Rae Jepsen, she would call me, not maybe, but definitely. Definitely, because that number is connected to the iPhone, the iPhone 6.  And if she calls from her native Canada, that is still fine, because the iPhone6 is designed to accommodate international calls!  Try doing that with your Android.

There was one person who was not pleased with my new smart phone.  It actually caused great fear in Kevin, the IT guy where I work.  Kevin has seen how I interact with sophisticated technology.  He has seen me corrupt, incorruptible files, he has watched me crash, uncrashable servers, he has observed me fool, foolproof programs and he has witnessed me burn down firewalls into ashes.

When Kevin found out I was in possession of an iPhone, he cancelled his own iPhone 5 and bought an Android.  Even then he turned off his phone for two days just in case.  So far I have not crashed any networks.  Apple stock did go down 5% the day I activated my phone, but I’m sure that is a mere coincidence.

I can now do many wonderful  things on my smart phone, -- oh wait, hold on a minute, I have a call, a call on my iPhone, my IPhone6 , I need to take this, it might me Carly Rae, I’ll be right back ….. (To be continued)

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Don’s Excellent (Business) Adventure

It is best when business trips are uneventful.  Of course you want the “business” part to be successful, but you want the “trip” part to be boring.

Unfortunately, my recent trip to a trade show in Louisville was not boring, it was “eventful”.  The events of which I will journal here:

Day 1

- The trip gets off to a fine start when my flight to Louisville is delayed due to a major mechanical problem, which took over an hour to repair.  Normally this would not be a big deal, but the delay caused me to miss my boss’s big presentation.  This was not good.  Later in the day when potential customers asked me questions about the presentation, I responded with: “Hey, how about the weather in Louisville this year?”

-        Fortunately there were free appetizers provided after the conference and I did get a free notepad and pen, so it wasn’t a total waste.

-        Then it was off to dinner with some potential customers.  The plan here is to stuff these people so full of expensive steak that they buy something.  Someone should make a video game out of it.  You stuff steaks in the guy’s mouth until he opens his wallet. Stuff too many steaks in there however and he pukes all over you.

-        While walking downtown to the restaurant I noticed a chunky-chicky wearing a micro-mini.  Usually when you say a woman is showing off some leg, you are talking length. But in this case, it was length and width! And the wind was blowing - hey hey.  I thought my 22-ounce ribeye would be the beefiest thing I saw that evening – but I was wrong.
        Beefy - but not the beefiest!

-        Fortunately, there were free appetizers before the meal.  Actually they weren’t really free; they were very, very, expensive. But they were free for me since I wasn’t paying the bill.  So hell yeah, I do want the last shrimp, thank you.

-        The dinner experience was topped off by our flamboyant waiter Antonio, enthusiastically reading off the desert menu, and everything was “lusciously drizzled” in something!

Day 2

-        The day starts off by realizing I packed the wrong clothes for the trip.  How I could possibly do this? I have no idea.  Sometimes I can make a moron look intelligent.  Which is ironic because …..

-        I am considered an intelligent industry expert and some investment people actually pay me to have breakfast with them.  They ask me questions, I say expert type things, and they vigorously type the information into their tablets.  I fail to mention that I cannot even manage to pack the correct clothes for a trip and fortunately they do not ask why I am wearing flannel at this meeting.

-        Then it is time for the actual trade show.  My company doesn’t have a display booth.  I am there to make as many connections and trade as many business cards as I can.  I end up walking almost seven miles and destroying a pair of socks in the process.

-        That evening I attend a reception where fortunately there are a plethora of free appetizers.

-        I am at a table with a group of guys  laughing, drinking and having  a good time, when a game of “One-Up” begins.  “One-Up is an informal game men play.  It starts when one guy brags about something and then the other guys take turns “topping” the feat until someone says something that can’t be topped and he is declared the “winner”.

So some guy casually mentions that his wife only weighs 110 pounds.  The next “contestant” jumps in and says: “That’s nothing, my wife weighs 105 pounds”

At this point I decline to participate in the game.  I do not know what my wife weighs.  I could ask, but I still would not know and it would be the last question I would ever ask.  This subject is on a strictly “need to know” basis, and trust me, I do not need to know.

 I do not want people snickering at my funeral. “Why did she kill him?” someone would inquire. “I heard he asked her how much …… massive snickering……  I think it is a statistical probability that my wife weighed 105 pounds sometime in her life; however I am not even going to speculate when that was.  Let’s just forget I even mentioned this.

-        After leaving that reception, I notice another reception across the hall.  There is no one screening people, so I enter and fortunately locate the free appetizers.

-        I take a taxi back to the hotel.  I give my driver, Efanlinos (close to his real name), my hotel and the street it is on. He drops me off and I head to my room, exhausted after a very strenuous day and my belly full of free appetizers.  I go to elevator and notice something confusing.  My room is on the fourth floor, but this hotel only has three floors.  I was at the wrong hotel.

I will not explain how this happened, but I am not as stupid as you may think I am right now.  Regardless, please don’t mention this incident to the people who paid to eat breakfast with me.  I call Efanlinos (he was picking me up in the morning); he returns and attempts to blame me for the mix up. No Efanlinos, I gave you the correct hotel and THE STREET, you $%#*ed it up!  You only missed it by nine miles!

Day 3

-        There is a young, hot, female TSA agent barking out orders in the airport security line.  And then I’m sort of enjoying it as she orders me to take off my jacket, shoes and belt.  At my age having a young, hot, chick urgently demand that I remove my clothing is rather stimulating.  I so much want to ask her “what she has in mind?”   However, I know if I do, she will take me into a room and will penetrate me to the maximum with her wand.  And I think she would really enjoy that, which means a twist is even possible.  Because I will need to be seated for my two return flights, I decide to keep my mouth shut.

-        The flights home are uneventful and I get on the airport shuttle to get to my car.  Seated next to me is a very attractive South American woman talking loudly on her cell phone.  You try not to follow the conversation (which was just stupid stuff), but it is almost impossible under the circumstances.

But when the driver pulls up to her car, she ends the conversation by saying in a hushed, sexy, voice: “Bubble bath selfies, bubble bath selfies, bubble bath selfies!” and  then  jumps into her Mercedes.

Bubble bath selfies, indeed …..

What a trip.