Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Colons Need To Be Tougher Than This

I need to make everyone aware of a potentially explosive situation before it gets totally out of control.  A man in Virginia has been awarded $500,000 in a lawsuit because he was insulted by the medical staff during his colonoscopy.

I am not making this up.  Somehow he recorded the derisive comments while he was sedated. These bored colonoscopy professionals reportedly made insensitive and mocking remarks during the procedure.  The man sued them and the jury awarded him the cash on four separate counts.

This is alarming and I strongly disagree with the verdict.  Because in effect, wasn’t it the man’s colon that was truly being insulted?  Therefore, I contend it was really his colon taking the legal action and it was his colon, that was awarded the money.

Our culture has become overly sensitive and gets offended by everything and anything.  We have become a nation with the emotional maturity of a whiny three-year-old. And now even our colons are getting offended and bringing lawsuits.  This must stop now.

I do not want an overly sensitive colon.  I do not want it to get annoyed at the mildest irritation.  I do not want it to go into convulsions if offended.  I want a tough colon, a colon that can withstand the worst aggravations and insults and still operate at peak performance.  I want a colon that can literally take it in – and then dish it back out (the other end, of course).  I guess what I really want is a Donald Trump-like colon, but with better hair.

If we permit our colons to be overly sensitive and then hire lawyers to bring big lawsuits, then I personally am in big trouble.  I fear my colon would immediately sue me and my hemorrhoids of course would join in on the lawsuit.  I would hate to have to testify during this trial:

Colon’s attorney: Mr. Ake, was your colon if fact spastic on the morning of October 3?

Me: I believe that might be correct

Colon’s attorney: Would you like to explain to the jury what caused this?

Me: I don’t recall

Colon’s attorney: On the evening of October 2, did you not dine at El Sheetzafirro Mexican restaurant with your friend Tim and three other guys?

Me: I may have.

Colon’s attorney: And did you not order the Fuego Loco, 5-alarm burrito, with a side of sriracha sauce?

Me: I might have ordered something like that, but I was hungry.

Colon’s attorney: And did you not in fact comment after ordering, “I’m going to have fire shooting out my a$$ tomorrow!”

Me: I was just trying to impress the rest of the guys.  I was the oldest and as a middle-aged man it is important to try to prove I still got it.

Colon’s attorney: And what happened the follow morning?

Me: ^^^^^…. (unintelligible)

Colon’s attorney: Louder, so the jury can hear Mr. Ake.

Me: Fire came shooting out my a$$.

Colon’s attorney: Yes, it did. So much so, that smoke actually rose out the commode, did it not?

Me: Maybe just a few puffs.

Jury: GASP!

Colon’s attorney:  And it was as that point that your colon went spastic to discharge the burrito and stop the burning sensation. Isn’t that true? Mr. Ake.

Me:  Yes, but it fully recovered after a few days.

Hemorrhoids attorney: Let’s move on to your hemorrhoids, Mr. Ake, because that’s where the scorching hot burrito ended up next.

Me: Let’s not

Hemorrhoid’s attorney: And when the burrito was finally expunged from your nether regions, did it not cause intense inflammation and swelling of your hemorrhoids.

Me: Yes, it did, but I immediately went to the store to buy some medication to care for them. I don’t neglect my health!

Hemorrhoid’s attorney:  Your Honor, I would like to enter Exhibit 1 into the record.  This is a copy of the receipt from the drug store on October 3.

As we can plainly see, the defendant did not purchase the high quality, highly effective, leading brand of hemorrhoid ointment.  No, in fact, you choose to buy the “Generic Anal Balm”?

Me: Yes, I was just trying to save some money.

Hemorrhoid’s attorney:  And exactly how much money did you save

Me: >>>>> ……. (unintelligible)

Hemorrhoid’s attorney: LOUDER, WE CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: Sixty-two cents

Hemorrhoid’s attorney:  Sixty-two cents! That’s right, you saved a measly sixty-two cents by buying the inexpensive junk! You cheap bastard!  Your hemorrhoids are on fire and this is how you treat them.  And how well did this generic anal balm work?

Me: Not very well.  My hemorrhoids were still very irritated.

Hemorrhoid’s attorney: So what did you do next?

Me: >>>>> ……. (unintelligible)

Hemorrhoid’s attorney: WHAT DID YOU DO MR. AKE? WHAT DID YOU DO?

Me: I scratched them   

Jury: GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Colon’s attorney: I now want to enter Exhibit 2 into the record.  These are images of Mr. Ake’s recent colonoscopy.

Me: (to my attorney) Aren’t you going to object?

My attorney: Heck no, I want see this! I think everyone wants to get a look at these.

Back to Reality

Trust me, no one wants to see that. And this is why colons and other body parts should not be allowed to sue people.  Everyone in our society needs to be less sensitive about being offended by stupid stuff and toughen up.

But seriously, you do need to have your periodic colonoscopy.  And it is also probably wise to treat your colon with some respect.
Please buy my new humor book - Just Make Me A Sammich http://donake.net/just-make-me-a-sammich-book

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Miley and I Both Go Topless – More 2015 In Review

More bizarre leftovers from 2015 ……

Best Tagline

My alma mater, The University Akron, decided it could solve all its problems with a spiffy new tagline: Ohio’s Polytechnic University. Large chunks of money were spent advertising it and “tagging” it on to anything and everything. (It may even be tattooed on the new president’s tush).

I saw a golden opportunity to cash in on this situation, so I immediately added the tagline to my resume and flew to company headquarters.  I walked into my boss’s office and smacked my resume on his desk.

Me: I demand a big raise!

Boss: Why? This is just your old resume.

I immediately jumped out of my chair and pointed out my important update.

Me: As you can see, my education section now includes this important, new, tagline, so how about tagging some extra cash on to my paycheck?

Boss: But what is a polytechnic?

Me: Beats me, but I am now qualified to do essential, polytechnic-type, stuff.

Boss: But you have a business degree.

Me: That would now be a polytechnic-business degree, sir.

Boss: I don’t think this matters at all and I should point out our healthcare plan only covers one spouse.

Me: I’m a polytectnicist, not a polygamist, sir.

I could tell this was not going well, fortunately I had a Plan B.  I whipped out my iPhone6 and blasted out some Fifth Harmony:

“Give it to me, I'm worth it
Baby I'm worth it
Uh huh I'm worth it
Gimme gimme I'm worth it
Give it to me, I'm worth it
Baby I'm worth it
Uh huh I'm worth it
Gimme gimme I'm worth it”

The music sounded so good, I just had to get up and dance!

The results were not good.  No raise, a reprimand from HR, and I ended up having to pay for my plane ticket.  Perhaps I should have left my shirt on during the dance. 

Worst Rejection

A South Korean heiress and airline Vice President became enraged because a male flight attendant steward offered nuts to her in a bag and not on a plate.  This horrendous incident happened before take-off. She demanded that the plane return to the gate and the vagrant attendant be thrown off for his most egregious act.

Even though the woman is wealthy and attractive, I would advise guys to avoid dating this woman.  If she is that particular about how a man presents his nuts to her, I think that is a huge red flag.  It is apparent that offering up a substandard nut sack, can send her into a rage.  Sure you could do some manscaping, but how would you know until the moment of truth that your nuts were in deed acceptable? Most guys could not perform under that type of pressure, even on medication.

Worst Small Talk

I was in line at the post office and the clerk was conversing loudly with the people he waited on.  When it was my turn, he assumed I had been following the conversation (I had not) because the first thing he said to me was: “And that’s how we found out my father had gangrene”.

Like could you just ask me how I was doing? Even if I was having a lousy day, I would lie and say I was fine. Just ask me, please, ask me.  But no, as he processed my mail, the discussion continued with descriptions of incredibly elevated blood sugar levels and comments about prosthetics.  I tried to avoid eye contact and kind of just grunted whenever he expected me to respond to something, but that didn’t deter him at all.

Perhaps the postal service needs to conduct customer service training on engaging customers in small talk. 

Worst Click Bait

I’m trying to get something very important finished. I need to pull some information off the Internet, so I log on and immediately see:

Miley Cyrus Goes Topless On Magazine Cover

I have absolutely no interest in this.  I don’t about Miley Cyrus. I don’t care about this magazine. There is nothing about this of any importance to me in any way and I am in a hurry. So of course, I click on it.  Because all my male brain is able to process after reading the headline is “tits!”

And I am sorry to report that Miley Cyrus’s tits are not very impressive. They are very average type tits.  They are adequate tits, no real need for enhancement, but they are just tits. They are not worthy to be on a cover of a magazine, except for the fact they are attached to Miley Cyrus.  An of course since this is on a magazine, the naughty bits of the tits are covered.

So, if you ever see a headline on the Internet regarding Miley Cyrus being
This is all you get to see in this blog!
topless, I would suggest that you continue on with what you are doing and not click on it. Because her tits are average, very average. I have already checked this out and am reporting on this important topic as a public service to you all.

Worst Planning

A $2.2 billion solar energy plant in California is only producing 25% of the electricity that was expected because planners say “clouds” and “weather” had a greater impact than anticipated.  And you think the people you work with are stupid.

Please buy my new humor book - Just Make Me A Sammich http://donake.net/just-make-me-a-sammich-book