Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, May 28, 2012

Man! I Feel Like A Hoser!

Man! I Feel Like a Hoser!

You Canadian women can rest easier since Jenna Talackova (the transgender beauty queen) did not win the Miss Canada beauty pageant.  It would have been embarrassing for you to be represented by someone who used to be named “Walter”.  But don’t rest too easy since Jenna did finish in the top 12.
And there is a possibility that Jenna did not get a fair evaluation.  Jenna wore a very revealing swimsuit that displayed Jenna’s total package, but the judges may have been distracted by making sure there wasn’t a surprise package.

There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that in the talent segment Jenna performed the song “Man! I Feel Like A Woman”, made popular by fellow Canadian Shania Twain (who is all woman).  But Jenna did win Miss Congeniality (the truth).  Yes, it seems that Jenna was not catty, not jealous and did not “back bite” like the other women usually do in this contest.  No, Jenna did not act like the other women at all.  Hey wait a minute …. Foul! Foul, I say!  Canadians, you’ve been hosed! You’ve been hosed big time!

That Don’t Impress Me Much

Four people have died in a recent traffic jam.  But this wasn’t on the highway.  No, the traffic jam was for mountain climbers waiting to reach the peak of Mt. Everest.  The line to get to the top was so long that the four victims suffered from exhaustion due to altitude sickness and couldn’t make it back down the mountain (true). 
There is something very wrong with this.  I thought climbing to the top of Mt. Everest was supposed to be very challenging and reserved for a select few. But if there are these long lines, then it must not be so tough.  I was planning on traveling to the Himalayas myself this summer to climb the mountain.  But if there is going to be a long line, well forget that.  I’ll just go to Myrtle Beach instead.

You may laugh, but Myrtle Beach presents some very difficult challenges of its own.  For example, Myrtle Beach has some of the most difficult miniature golf courses in the world.  Many a tourist’s vacation has been ruined by the 15th hole at Runaway Bay.  The famous “Hansel and Gretel” hole is a tough par 3 that can really eat you up if you mess up your tee shot.  And another challenge is to time your arrival at the seafood buffet so you get there when the food is fresh, but before the line gets too long.

Help Stop This Fashion Tragedy

The photo above was taken at the recent meeting of world leaders in the U.S. and it is truly heartbreaking.  While the other world dignitaries are decked out in expensive suits, there is Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan in a some sort of shawl. Shawls for men went out of fashion around 300 years ago, but apparently some people don’t keep up on the fashion news.  You know the other leaders are making fun of him behind his back.  They may be bigwigs, but they are still guys and that is what guys do.  No wonder Hamid is so sadur when the other guys are having a great time.

Apparently the Afghans also don’t know about the modern invention of the button (at least 900 years old) since Hamid has to use both hands to keep his coat closed.  While technology has enabled the modern world to enjoy “hands-free” communication, the Afghans have not yet mastered the concept of hands-free clothing.  It’s very difficult to display that sharp, buttoned-down, look when you have no buttons!

This situation is so sad, but now there is hope.  Please join me in supporting the relief organization “Armanis for Afghanis”.  Please consider donating your new or gently-used business suits for this important cause.  The suits will be air-dropped to help the fashion-challenged Afghanis throughout the country.   

The hope is that when the Afghanis wear the business suits they will be motivated to then start businesses so that they have a good reason to wear the suits.  This will result in a rejuvenated, thriving, Afghan economy.  So please give today.  

Monday, May 14, 2012

Salmon - It's Not Just For Dinner Anymore

Last June, my blog post “Man Rules For Wearing Pink” was a shot heard round the men’s fashion world.  They noticed, oh yeah, they noticed.  I have not seen a single pink polo shirt in a sales flyer so far this year.  This post also established me as an authority on the subject.  It comes in Google searches on the subject and the guys at work look to me to settle disputes on whether certain clothes are “man acceptable” at our company.  So yes, I have become an authority on polo shirts. (I have authoritay and you must respect it).

However, recently my wife gave me several new polo shirts for my birthday.  The first two were very nice looking, but I was taken aback by the third one.  I held it out at a distance with a stunned look on my face.  There was total silence until my daughter blurted out: “Dad, it’s salmon.  It’s not pink, it’s salmon!”

I looked at my wife and said, “You know I can’t wear just any shirt.  I have an image to protect.”

“But it’s not pink”, she pleaded.  “There was a pink one, but I didn’t buy it!”

This situation was very important to me because I want to display the same integrity and consistency on this issue that both our candidates for president are displaying on political issues.  I do not want to be accused of flip-flopping while wearing fish-colored clothes.  I do not want to be a polo shirt hypocrite!

So what to do with this shirt? (Pictured here).  It is truly salmon, which is an odd mix of orange and pink.  One wonders if there was not a tasty fish to name the color after, if the color would exist at all.  It does have some white stripes, but the shirt is ultimately saved by the several very masculine black stripes.  So though it is not a very manly shirt, it is deemed “marginally acceptable”.  I do admit that it will be difficult to exude my normal level of machismo while wearing a shirt that is a color of a fish, but maybe I can just use an extra splash of Brute.  This may be the start of a fish-machismo fashion trend!

However, I would advise you single guys not to wear a salmon-colored shirt when cruising for chicks.  If you do, you may end up attracting the type of woman who will expect you to accompany her to the spa for a couple’s pedicure. You definitely don’t want to be that guy, so it is very important to wear your most manly shirts during those important excursions.  

You may think that I am over emphasizing these man fashion rules.  But men need clear rules to follow or they will make horrible clothing choices.  For example, consider what happened last month at the NCAA Basketball Championship Game.
Many people were outraged at the pop-rock group The Fray, for their rendition of the Star Spangled Banner prior to tip-off.  I was very outraged also, but it had nothing to do with the singing.  I was livid because The Fray’s lead singer, Isaac Slade, showed up for this big performance wearing orangish pants (see photo).

This is so wrong.  This is a very manly game in a very manly sport.  It is the big championship game which means the testosterone level at the arena and around the nation is at an extremely high level.  You don’t walk out into that atmosphere wearing orange pants!  Come on man. Man-up and man-up now. If the players are bringing their “A” game to the place, you need to be bringing your man-pants