Welcome to Don’s Tips For A Long Marriage. This advice is intended to keep husbands out of the proverbial doghouse and extend the length of your marriage. Following this advice may also preserve your life and help you remain intact—in case you married a psycho or a Loreena Bobbit devotee.
This wisdom was acquired during over 40 years of marriage.
Of course, I was naive enough not to know about it as a young man. Now, I pass it
on to newlyweds, young guys, and longer-married Neanderthals who,
unfortunately, repeatedly make the same mistakes.
This is only a partial list, but it popped into my head during a recent breakfast meeting with my long-time friend Kurt. Women are advised not to read any further, lest my secrets, intended for just men, will be revealed.
Tip #1 – Never Say What You Are Thinking
I know this is counter-intuitive. Your brain creates a
thought, and your mouth speaks it. In the first years of marriage, I would
blurt out whatever popped into my man-brain. I was perplexed when these pearls
of wisdom often inflamed my wife.
Over time, I learned to say only some of what I was
thinking, picking my spots carefully and injecting my wisdom strategically.
This resulted in my wife becoming enraged much less often. To say it in a way,
guys understand: Less Speaking = Less Enragement = More ….. (well, you guys get
it).
Now, in late middle age, I have become more like one of
those independent U.N. observers. I stand back and observe the various crises
about to or already happening and say virtually nothing. I only speak when
absolutely necessary. I am often asked for my input only after the train
wrecks, and like the U.N., I am often asked for funds to clean up the disaster.
Therefore, if you haven’t reached the age to naturally
learn this, or maybe you have had trouble maintaining relationships your entire
life, employ what I will call “the wife/girlfriend filter”. Simply: THINK
BEFORE YOU SPEAK. When that thought naturally pops into your head – don’t
immediately say it out loud.
We will use the “wife/girlfriend filter” to communicate the
substance of that thought into a softer, more female-friendly form. In other
words, we will use something called “nuance”.
I know that “nuance” is a foreign concept to many guys, so
here is a definition: a subtle difference or distinction in expression,
meaning, response, etc. (Dictionary.com)
So, you will communicate the same meaning as your original
thought, but do it in a way that only gets your wife half as upset with you as
usual. Only half as upset! It’s a win-win!
For example:
Original thought, said out loud: Your friend Becky is such
a bitch! Why do you like her, anyway?
Nuanced statement: Sometimes, Becky just seems a bit off.
Is she having some personal issues?
You will definitely need to work on this, but the benefits
are substantial. It will lengthen your marriage and get you more of that other
stuff.
Tip #2 – Never Say “I Told You So”
You had a previous discussion, debate, or argument with
your wife. Now, things have gone terribly wrong because your wife chose to
disregard your opinion. If this discussion was with another guy, it is totally
acceptable to declare, “I told you so!” This shows your superior intelligence
and that you have ultimately won the argument. The other guy will admit defeat,
and then you will go on with life or proceed to the next debate with no lasting
animosity, because this is what guys do.
However, you should never say “I told you so” to your wife.”
At this point, your wife feels terrible that the situation is awful. If you say,
“I told you so”, all she is going to do is feel worse – and channel all of the
bad feelings – even for those things you had nothing to do with, back upon you.
That's right – you are going to get hit with everything regarding this mess –
even though if she had listened to you, there would be no mess.
What your wife needs from you now is compassion. So.
instead of spiking the football in your victory, try your hardest to make her
feel better in the moment. Trust me, you don’t have to remind her what you said
because the female brain has recorded every impactful conversation over the
past ten years that can be retrieved at a moment's notice to put the blame on
you for just about anything. She remembers what you said, and that you were
right, but will react with hostility if you remind her. Think of it as the
“bitch button”. Would you intentionally push the bitch button? No, you would
not.
So revel in your victory. Celebrate your so-called superior
intelligence on this matter. But do it quietly and internally. Look concerned
and somber on the outside, while your man-brain does an elaborate touchdown
dance. If you do need an external outlet, wait and tell the guys at work about
it.
Tip #3 – Apologize For Being Right
Sometimes, when your insensitive comments or smirking
expression enrage your wife, you will not only receive the wrath of everything
that has happened but actually be blamed for the outcome. Even if you had
nothing to do with the result.
This is an odd situation, indeed. You advised her to take Action
A, and she ignored it and did Action B against your wishes. Now, there is a
disaster, and somehow, you are being held responsible for the whole mess when
you were right in the first place.
You can try to reason with her, but at this point, she is
so upset that reason won't work. If you try arguing with her, but that will only
enrage her more and worsen the situation.
In this case, the best course of action is to “apologize
for being right”. I know this is extremely counter intuitive to your man-brain.
Your natural tendency is to say, “I’m right, and you're wrong. Next time, you
should really listen to me!” This may be true, but it is irrelevant. You have
an angry, emotional wife on your hands, which you need to comfort.
Therefore, you should apologize for being right. The trick
here is to be as ambiguous as you possibly can. Do not apologize for anything
specific. Something like, “Honey, I’m so sorry things turned out the way they
did. I should have done more, and I could have handled this thing a whole lot
better. Please forgive me.”
See, you haven’t really admitted to anything – and she’s lapping
it up and melting as a result. If you follow these marriage tips, your marriage
will last a long time. And you will ultimately be much happier.
