Do Not Send Me Any More Video Clips

 Friends send me too many Internet videos. And by too many, I mean any. Because, sadly, I don’t watch any of them. I also use the term “friend” loosely because some of these videos are sent by people I have no other contact with whatsoever.

Yet, every day on Facebook Messenger, Instagram, text, or whatever, here are all these videos with the preview picture and headline beckoning me to click the link. I decline to because I just don’t have the time. If I clicked every link, in addition to the standard clickbait on my homepage, I would spend the entire day staring at my screen, entertained by entirely worthless videos.

Some of these videos are of a political nature, showing some snarky politician “sticking” it to the other side. But that’s what’s wrong with the nation today. The politicians are all interested in sticking it to their opponents instead of sticking to an agenda that benefits the country. By forwarding the video, I assume people get a vicarious thrill that they are now sticking it to “those fools” as well. And to those people who post daily about how upset they are at what some loudmouth occupant of the White House says - this makes you look weak and petty. If words from someone you don’t know anger you so much, I suggest you mute yourself on all news reports. You will feel better about life, and so will everyone because we won’t be exposed to your constant bitching. It’s a win-win!

The videos featuring women with enormous breasts are also of no interest to me. Now that I am older and wiser, I do not fall for the trap of fake breasts. They are decoys that women use to deceive men. Hunters will place decoys and laugh at how stupid animals are fooled by them, and then go all googly-eyed at a woman sporting her large decoys on her chest. These are hi-tech falsies. They are fake, meaning NOT REAL. You would reject fake currency and all other fake items, but not fake hooters! Would you accept fake melons made of silicone at the store? So why here? All they have done is hide some silicone in strategic areas. Guys, would you get excited if someone hid lumps of silicone under your bed? No, you would find it bizarre and annoying …. so, it’s just well-placed silicone.

And this boob chicanery causes problems for older guys engaged in intimate activities. These fake melons serve as literal speed bumps, delaying arrival at the desired destination. An old guy doesn’t have time to explore the entire park. He needs to get to the main attraction with minimal detours and distractions. In addition, fake breasts present a safety risk. Guys, especially less nimble older guys, need to be careful because, as Ralphie in A Christmas Story was warned: “They’ll put your eye out!” Therefore, the enormous breast videos hold no interest for me. Please note: To my lady friends who have had reasonable breast augmentation surgery, I just want to say: You look mahvelous, darlings, every one of you. And my previous statements do not apply to you in any way, shape, or form – especially form.     

Then come the stupid cat videos. How many videos does it take to prove cats are stupid? Once you realize that, all the videos are just stupid videos – sent by seemingly stupid people. And aren't these videos disrespectful to cats? Cats may be stupid, but they can’t help it, can they? These videos are mean-spirited and defame all cats. I believe the cats need to get themselves an aggressive attorney and sue – Tim Misny, perhaps? Somebody needs to pay for these aberrations. Once the cats win their lawsuit, they can roll around in very expensive, very potent catnip, which will make a great video, which I will send to, uh, well, no one. But this particular video will still be great. 

I get videos on life hacks, investing, interviews with psychos, talking comic strips, and monkeys smoking pot – No, no, no, no, no. Now, I do watch videos with a direct connection to me and my books, but those are few.

I have asked some people not to send me videos, but they typically ignore the request. It’s just like telling a junkie to lay off the crack. There are those awkward moments when I will run into someone in person, and they will enthusiastically ask, “Did you get that video I sent you?”  “Yes, I just haven’t had the chance to open it.”, in reply. And by this, I mean I will never have the chance to open it. It will sit quietly in my inbox and wait for me like an unrequited lover forever, and ever, and ever.

How Many Vitamins Are Enough?

 I take too many vitamins and supplements. But I'm not an addict – no, not me. Of course, I'm not. I can quit anytime I want – oh yeah. I could quit tomorrow; I could. However, then I would have to pour all those pills down the drain. They could then find their way into the water supply and end up killing an innocent kid. I would feel bad, and it would be embarrassing to see a headline reading "Cute Kid Dies from Vitamin D Poisoning”, with my picture below it.

I don't know how I ended up taking so many pills; I guess a junkie would say the same thing. My medicine cabinet is full of brown and green bottles, as is the shelf below. There is a tote bag for the overflow. I'm not an addict, although my coworkers used to stare at me with astonishment as I gulped my noontime stash. They would try to joke about it, I wanted to give a witty reply, but all I could do was stare back with the hollow eyes of a wayward soul needing a fix. 

Of course, it all started with just a multivitamin - a wonder pill of this modern world, and thus a gateway capsule. Take this magical pill with the minimum daily requirement of 30 vitamins and minerals, and you just might live forever. If lest ye don't, you will surely die. However, once you buy into the concept that a pill can enhance your health, they've got you.

Your heart could suddenly stop – so take this.

Your pancreas may be about to burst – so use this one.

Your prostate is growing to enormous proportions – stop it before it protrudes outside your body.

You add pills willingly until the pill bottles cover your world. You celebrate the arrival of the vitamin and supplement mailer like you did the J.C. Penney Christmas catalog as a child. You know you're an addict when you take so many pills you can’t remember what they are supposed to fix. That's how I know I'm not an addict because I can clearly articulate the purpose of each supplement. Sure, I may have to look a few up, but that's beside the point. Obviously, all these pills are working because I'm still alive, and you can't see my protruding prostate – unless you look at a precise angle.

I do take solace in the fact that I only take a few of the supplements in the 164-page catalog my pusher, whoa – I mean that vitamin company, sends me every month. I trust that many people take far more supplements than I do. Those are the real addicts! I think the cut-off point is the number of vitamins I currently take. So, if you take one more supplement than I do, you are most definitely an addict and are really a messed-up nutjob.

I used to laugh at Ponce De Leon trying to find the Fountain of Youth, but not anymore. Now, I have found the Fountain of Perpetual Life. It is the faucet in my bathroom from which I draw water to wash down this myriad of pills intended to help me live forever. However, that whole goal seems rather silly. Why would I want to live in this place forever? Face it, the world is getting worse, not better. In my opinion, the world was going great until around 1999, when it began to decline. Now, we are going to hell in a handbasket. However, I don't know how you could go anywhere in a handbasket since it does not have wheels or a source of propulsion. This means someone would have to carry you into hell, which doesn't seem very likely since they would then be walking into hell themselves. So yeah, life on Earth peaked in 1999, and if you were born after that, well, tough noogies.

No, I don’t tell my doctor how many supplements I take. He has way too many other problems to deal with. And I’m healthy, so why does he need to know anyway? I mean, just because he has the ability to recommend I see a psychiatrist or some other whack job who might cut me off from some of the vitamins and supplements that are keeping me alive. What’s the point in that? Besides, it would take much too long for me to document every tablet.

Over the last couple of years, I have reduced the number of vitamins and supplements I take. Incredibly, I am still alive. Of course, this is akin to reverse Russian Roulette, not knowing if the next pill I eliminate was the critical one that was keeping me alive. I am continually tempted by new supplements popping up on my computer. Just today, an ad for what I thought was an “SOB Booster” appeared. I rejected it because many people think I am already a huge SOB. It turned out to be for some antioxidants called SOD boosters. I was also intrigued by a new NAD+ supplement, hoping it would invigorate my nads, but it is really intended to slow cellular aging.

In reality, I am reducing my intake because the perceived value of the pills to extend my life diminishes every day. Sadly, there is now less life to preserve. In addition, it will become more challenging to remember to take all these pills as my memory diminishes. Also, the number of my critical prescription drugs will increase and take precedence over these speculative vitamins and supplements.

The main challenge in my final years will be to remember to take my prescription drugs every day. They do have those weekly pill boxes to help you remember, that I have chuckled at my entire life, wondering who would be that stupid to need one. Now, I know, and will soon rely on that contraption to save my life.

Instead of the pill box, I would much prefer having a private nurse responsible for administering my medication. Perhaps, a young Swedish one, named Inga. The Swedes did so well handling COVID that I would be in very capable hands, especially if she pranced around in one of those flashy nurses' outfits featured in costume stores at Halloween.

If that were the case, I might be tempted to bang her if I were able to get my doctor to add Viagra to my prescription list. However, that would be risky to my health. Many men have, unfortunately, shared their literal deathbed with a much younger woman. So, maybe that pill box is the best solution.