Do Not Send Me Any More Video Clips

 Friends send me too many Internet videos. And by too many, I mean any. Because, sadly, I don’t watch any of them. I also use the term “friend” loosely because some of these videos are sent by people I have no other contact with whatsoever.

Yet, every day on Facebook Messenger, Instagram, text, or whatever, here are all these videos with the preview picture and headline beckoning me to click the link. I decline to because I just don’t have the time. If I clicked every link, in addition to the standard clickbait on my homepage, I would spend the entire day staring at my screen, entertained by entirely worthless videos.

Some of these videos are of a political nature, showing some snarky politician “sticking” it to the other side. But that’s what’s wrong with the nation today. The politicians are all interested in sticking it to their opponents instead of sticking to an agenda that benefits the country. By forwarding the video, I assume people get a vicarious thrill that they are now sticking it to “those fools” as well. And to those people who post daily about how upset they are at what some loudmouth occupant of the White House says - this makes you look weak and petty. If words from someone you don’t know anger you so much, I suggest you mute yourself on all news reports. You will feel better about life, and so will everyone because we won’t be exposed to your constant bitching. It’s a win-win!

The videos featuring women with enormous breasts are also of no interest to me. Now that I am older and wiser, I do not fall for the trap of fake breasts. They are decoys that women use to deceive men. Hunters will place decoys and laugh at how stupid animals are fooled by them, and then go all googly-eyed at a woman sporting her large decoys on her chest. These are hi-tech falsies. They are fake, meaning NOT REAL. You would reject fake currency and all other fake items, but not fake hooters! Would you accept fake melons made of silicone at the store? So why here? All they have done is hide some silicone in strategic areas. Guys, would you get excited if someone hid lumps of silicone under your bed? No, you would find it bizarre and annoying …. so, it’s just well-placed silicone.

And this boob chicanery causes problems for older guys engaged in intimate activities. These fake melons serve as literal speed bumps, delaying arrival at the desired destination. An old guy doesn’t have time to explore the entire park. He needs to get to the main attraction with minimal detours and distractions. In addition, fake breasts present a safety risk. Guys, especially less nimble older guys, need to be careful because, as Ralphie in A Christmas Story was warned: “They’ll put your eye out!” Therefore, the enormous breast videos hold no interest for me. Please note: To my lady friends who have had reasonable breast augmentation surgery, I just want to say: You look mahvelous, darlings, every one of you. And my previous statements do not apply to you in any way, shape, or form – especially form.     

Then come the stupid cat videos. How many videos does it take to prove cats are stupid? Once you realize that, all the videos are just stupid videos – sent by seemingly stupid people. And aren't these videos disrespectful to cats? Cats may be stupid, but they can’t help it, can they? These videos are mean-spirited and defame all cats. I believe the cats need to get themselves an aggressive attorney and sue – Tim Misny, perhaps? Somebody needs to pay for these aberrations. Once the cats win their lawsuit, they can roll around in very expensive, very potent catnip, which will make a great video, which I will send to, uh, well, no one. But this particular video will still be great. 

I get videos on life hacks, investing, interviews with psychos, talking comic strips, and monkeys smoking pot – No, no, no, no, no. Now, I do watch videos with a direct connection to me and my books, but those are few.

I have asked some people not to send me videos, but they typically ignore the request. It’s just like telling a junkie to lay off the crack. There are those awkward moments when I will run into someone in person, and they will enthusiastically ask, “Did you get that video I sent you?”  “Yes, I just haven’t had the chance to open it.”, in reply. And by this, I mean I will never have the chance to open it. It will sit quietly in my inbox and wait for me like an unrequited lover forever, and ever, and ever.

How Many Vitamins Are Enough?

 I take too many vitamins and supplements. But I'm not an addict – no, not me. Of course, I'm not. I can quit anytime I want – oh yeah. I could quit tomorrow; I could. However, then I would have to pour all those pills down the drain. They could then find their way into the water supply and end up killing an innocent kid. I would feel bad, and it would be embarrassing to see a headline reading "Cute Kid Dies from Vitamin D Poisoning”, with my picture below it.

I don't know how I ended up taking so many pills; I guess a junkie would say the same thing. My medicine cabinet is full of brown and green bottles, as is the shelf below. There is a tote bag for the overflow. I'm not an addict, although my coworkers used to stare at me with astonishment as I gulped my noontime stash. They would try to joke about it, I wanted to give a witty reply, but all I could do was stare back with the hollow eyes of a wayward soul needing a fix. 

Of course, it all started with just a multivitamin - a wonder pill of this modern world, and thus a gateway capsule. Take this magical pill with the minimum daily requirement of 30 vitamins and minerals, and you just might live forever. If lest ye don't, you will surely die. However, once you buy into the concept that a pill can enhance your health, they've got you.

Your heart could suddenly stop – so take this.

Your pancreas may be about to burst – so use this one.

Your prostate is growing to enormous proportions – stop it before it protrudes outside your body.

You add pills willingly until the pill bottles cover your world. You celebrate the arrival of the vitamin and supplement mailer like you did the J.C. Penney Christmas catalog as a child. You know you're an addict when you take so many pills you can’t remember what they are supposed to fix. That's how I know I'm not an addict because I can clearly articulate the purpose of each supplement. Sure, I may have to look a few up, but that's beside the point. Obviously, all these pills are working because I'm still alive, and you can't see my protruding prostate – unless you look at a precise angle.

I do take solace in the fact that I only take a few of the supplements in the 164-page catalog my pusher, whoa – I mean that vitamin company, sends me every month. I trust that many people take far more supplements than I do. Those are the real addicts! I think the cut-off point is the number of vitamins I currently take. So, if you take one more supplement than I do, you are most definitely an addict and are really a messed-up nutjob.

I used to laugh at Ponce De Leon trying to find the Fountain of Youth, but not anymore. Now, I have found the Fountain of Perpetual Life. It is the faucet in my bathroom from which I draw water to wash down this myriad of pills intended to help me live forever. However, that whole goal seems rather silly. Why would I want to live in this place forever? Face it, the world is getting worse, not better. In my opinion, the world was going great until around 1999, when it began to decline. Now, we are going to hell in a handbasket. However, I don't know how you could go anywhere in a handbasket since it does not have wheels or a source of propulsion. This means someone would have to carry you into hell, which doesn't seem very likely since they would then be walking into hell themselves. So yeah, life on Earth peaked in 1999, and if you were born after that, well, tough noogies.

No, I don’t tell my doctor how many supplements I take. He has way too many other problems to deal with. And I’m healthy, so why does he need to know anyway? I mean, just because he has the ability to recommend I see a psychiatrist or some other whack job who might cut me off from some of the vitamins and supplements that are keeping me alive. What’s the point in that? Besides, it would take much too long for me to document every tablet.

Over the last couple of years, I have reduced the number of vitamins and supplements I take. Incredibly, I am still alive. Of course, this is akin to reverse Russian Roulette, not knowing if the next pill I eliminate was the critical one that was keeping me alive. I am continually tempted by new supplements popping up on my computer. Just today, an ad for what I thought was an “SOB Booster” appeared. I rejected it because many people think I am already a huge SOB. It turned out to be for some antioxidants called SOD boosters. I was also intrigued by a new NAD+ supplement, hoping it would invigorate my nads, but it is really intended to slow cellular aging.

In reality, I am reducing my intake because the perceived value of the pills to extend my life diminishes every day. Sadly, there is now less life to preserve. In addition, it will become more challenging to remember to take all these pills as my memory diminishes. Also, the number of my critical prescription drugs will increase and take precedence over these speculative vitamins and supplements.

The main challenge in my final years will be to remember to take my prescription drugs every day. They do have those weekly pill boxes to help you remember, that I have chuckled at my entire life, wondering who would be that stupid to need one. Now, I know, and will soon rely on that contraption to save my life.

Instead of the pill box, I would much prefer having a private nurse responsible for administering my medication. Perhaps, a young Swedish one, named Inga. The Swedes did so well handling COVID that I would be in very capable hands, especially if she pranced around in one of those flashy nurses' outfits featured in costume stores at Halloween.

If that were the case, I might be tempted to bang her if I were able to get my doctor to add Viagra to my prescription list. However, that would be risky to my health. Many men have, unfortunately, shared their literal deathbed with a much younger woman. So, maybe that pill box is the best solution.

 

 

Want To Live Longer? – Eat More Cheese

 A recent study of 2.3 million people found that happiness, or a positive mental outlook, was the top factor in impacting longevity. No surprise there; you would expect contented people to live longer.  Researchers were perplexed that eating cheese finished second.

It seems that people who eat more cheese live longer. This was confusing because cheese is in no way considered a “super-food”. It is a good source of protein and has some health benefits. But overall, it’s nothing special nutritionally, and eating too much cheese can even be unhealthy. 

After discussing the surprising finding, the researchers concluded that eating cheese makes you happy, and because happy people live longer, eating cheese can extend your years, thus deserving its second-place finish on the list.

On the surface, this sounds silly, but think it through. How happy does a rat look devouring a piece of cheese? The use of these rodents in medical and psychological research proves the similarity between rats and humans.

I have compared working in a large company to rats living in a box where someone dumps a load of food in the container (the available money and power). The rats all scramble and fight to get the most rewards. I know more than one of my old bosses resembled vermin. If you looked closely, you could even see their ratty whiskers. Look closely at your boss, and you may be able to see the same. Better check those women bosses too, since women today are empowered to have facial hair, as well as other man-stuffs.

In addition, how do you feel when you spot that delicious piece of cheese in the refrigerator you forgot was there? You grab it and start gnawing away at it like a large rat. How does eating a double-stuffed-crust pizza make you feel? How about when you devour a bowl of scrumptious macaroni and cheese? Macaroni and cheese is my friend Mike’s favorite food. I know this because he speaks of it often, and when he does, his whole face lights up. I must check him for rat whiskers the next time we meet.

Humans have been enjoying, yes, enjoying cheese for over 7,000 years. The expression, “Mama, if you want to please me, ya gotta cheese me!” speaks for itself.

Now, there are other things that make you happy – family, friends, religion, exercise, etc. But enhancing these factors becomes more difficult as you age, and longevity studies are most interesting to us who have fewer years to live.

Your family may be distant, estranged, or non-existent. Unfortunately, at some point, you lose more friends, mainly to burials, than you gain. If you haven’t attended church by now, it would still be a great time to start, but you probably won’t. Exercising and participating in other happiness-inducing activities become more difficult as health and mobility decline.

And this is why I believe this longevity study is so earth-shaking. It is possibly the greatest study on this subject ever. Because it has uncovered something actionable that anyone can do that will enable you to live longer. It is so simple:

EAT MORE CHEESE!

If you need instructions:

1.    Buy cheese (either at the store or online)

2.    Eat cheese

3.    Live longer

Don’t worry about getting bored – there are over 1,800 different types of cheeses worldwide.

My friend, Lieutenant Dan, says he enjoys grilled cheese, cheese curds, cheese sticks, cheese soup, cheese fondue, cheese dip, cheese cubes, cheese skewers, fried cheese, cheese and crackers, cheese and nuts, cheese balls, cheese and fruit, cheese and pasta, grated cheese, strip cheese …

So people – EAT MORE CHEESE

Don’t Worry – Get Cheesy

Here’s a little thing I do

You might want to see if it works for you

Don’t worry, get cheesy

If you find yourself in some trouble

Get stuffed crust and make it a double

Don’t worry, get cheesy

I would whistle at this point, but that stuffed double crust is sticking to the roof of my mouth.

What’s All This Chatter About Belichick’s Chick?

Internet chat boards are all ablaze with vicious comments on former NFL coach Bill Belichick's relationship with his girlfriend, Jordon Hudson. And "girlfriend" is the optimal term here since there is a 48-year age gap between Belichick, 72, and Hudson, 24. 

And I, too, would like to condemn this scandalous coupling. It is salac … It is perve … It is just plain wro, wro, wro … Well, for my entire life, I had viewed these types of relationships negatively, but now I am a M.O.A.C.A. (Man Of A Certain Age), and that has changed my perspective. Especially when you consider that Jordon, is one hot piece of ah … she is an attractive young lady – well, emphasis on young – very young, and you can debate the lady part amongst yourselves.

Now, I will admit I have some bias. When my wife and I decided we would have no more children, I had to decide if I wanted a vasectomy. I declined because I said that many years in the future, I could find myself widowed. Suppose I met a much younger woman who wanted to have children. If I couldn’t reproduce, the relationship would be doomed, so no getting snipped for me! When I explained this to people, they guffawed and looked at me aghast. “What is the chance of that?” they exclaimed. “I don’t know, but if it happened, it would be too much of an opportunity to miss," I explained. And now, Bill Belichick has vindicated my decision. This makes me feel giddy and warm all over. Okay, so I just feel warm in one place, but that’s not important.

Now, I would never defend Bill, no, not in a million years … but it is obvious that she initiated the relationship. They met when she was 22 years old. It is not socially acceptable behavior for a guy north of the 40-yard line to hit on a 22-year-old, so it’s way out-of-bounds at age 70.

Perhaps she has issues. Maybe “daddy issues” – okay, maybe granddaddy issues. But can you really expect a 70-year-old guy to resist the advances of a smoking-hot 22-year-old on moral, cultural, ethical, or any other grounds? As a M.O.A.C.A., I contend that you cannot. Any "functional" guy is going to "go for it". And Bill has "gotten it"; therefore, you cannot expect him to let go of it, no matter what people say on the Internet.

Again, I would never condone or defend Bill's outrageous actions but here are some reasons the relationship may be truly legit or too legit to quit, in this instance.

Reasons the Relationship Could Be Legitimate

1.    It Could Really Be Love

Love is a strange and mysterious thing. Sometimes, it defies all logic and explanations. It is a many splendored thing. On Valentine’s Day, Jordon posted eleven declarations about her love for Bill in response to the Internet criticism. Has your woman ever done that for you? I think the woman is in love.

 2.    Maybe Jordon is a Huge Football Fan

Belichick has six Super Bowl rings, and she is a former cheerleader. If this is the thing that turns Jordon on, no other man on the planet, except for Tom Brady, can compare. This would make Bill her Super Stud.

 3.    Maybe Jordon Really Is Happy

This thing is not just an infatuation. The relationship has been going on for three years. If Jordon is truly happy and satisfied with this thing, who are we to question it?

4.    Does It Matter If She Is in For the Money? 

Many online barbs claim Jordon is just in it for the money. That may be true, but isn’t that her choice? It’s not like this type of arrangement doesn’t happen a million times worldwide in various forms each day. 

We really don’t know the financial details of the relationship because, think about it, it’s none of our business. They are just dating, so she is benefiting from having a wealthy boyfriend, something many women desire. There have been wedding rumors, and this would change the financial dynamics. But you would think that Bill might hire Scott Boras (sports agent known for his brutal negotiation skills) to handle the prenup details. 

5.    The Sex is Probably Adequate

Various young women have commented that the idea of sex with a M.O.A.C.A. is repulsive. These types of comments are ageist, hurtful, and uninformed. With a blue pill, the lights off, and a romantic spark, Jordon is probably satisfied. I know Bill is satisfied! Again, they have been a couple for almost three years – so I doubt she finds the sex disgusting. 

The Downside to this Relationship

This relationship does have an unfortunate byproduct. Because of Bill’s stunning conquest, M.O.A.C.A.s everywhere will begin, okay intensify, hitting on gorgeous women in their 20s. The M.O.A.C.A.s will descend on young singles’ bars like locusts. “Hey, if Bill Belichick can bag a young hottie, why can’t I?” The fact that they lack six Super Bowl rings and multi-millions will not deter them. Unfortunately, M.O.A.C.A.s have lost some of their reasoning skills, and being men, they never had any relationship skills to begin with.

Let the Lovebirds Be!

Not that I would ever defend this relationship because, of course, I would never do that, but could everybody just chill about this? Mind your own business and let love prevail. Jordon seemed perturbed at all the criticism, but her response showed it had no impact. And as a M.O.A.C.A., I can assure you that Bill was not dissuaded. There is a reason he is smiling so broadly in every photograph of the couple. 

Angels With Attitudes - Not A Silent Night Behind the Scenes!

 Michael, the highest archangel and leader of Project Immanuel:

Alright, listen up. Our 9-month project, Immanuel, is coming to a close. We are almost there. Mary and Joseph should have made it to the designated birthing area, which means this could happen at any time. We expect the birth to happen sometime tomorrow, so we are operating on Code Orange, and everyone needs to be on alert. Thank you for your work to make this project a success. It has gone totally according to plan, and you should all be proud of the work you have done.                                                                               

(Five minutes later)

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Michael: Yes, report in Attending Angel. Has the couple safely arrived at Joseph's cousin's house in Bethlehem?

Attending Angel: Uh, we have some issues. That’s last mile of the donkey ride to Bethlehem was bumpy and Mary is experiencing some discomfort. Because of that, we are behind schedule, so we just got inside the city  before dusk.

Michael: Well, you have to push on. It's essential to get to the birthing house. It's safe, it's sheltered, and a midwife lives next door.

Attending Angel: Yeah, about that – uh, that bumpy ride caused another problem. Mary is experiencing some initial contractions.

Michael: No! That is not acceptable! What's the plan?

Attending Angel: Joseph is going to try to get a room at that inn just inside of town.

Michael: Are you kidding me? That inn has been booked solid for weeks, with everyone returning home for the census. That's not going to work!

Attending Angel: Relax, I’m sure the innkeeper will find a nice area for the birth - I mean, it’s a pregnant woman in labor, and he knows where the nearest midwife is, so don’t worry.

(Five minutes later)

Attending Angel: We have a problem. The innkeeper offered no help; he sent them out back to the stable.

Michael: What? We can’t have that! Why didn’t you do something?

Attending Angel: What was I supposed to do? I could have struck the guy dead, but I didn’t think that would help the situation.

Michael: Describe the stable.

Attending Angel: It’s what you would expect behind an inn. It's big and filled with donkeys and camels from all the travelers. Oh, and it smells awful.

Michael: This is so not going to happen here!

Attending Angel: Oh, I think it is. Her contractions are increasing.

Michael: That’s it – I’m opening up the visual channel so the team can see everything.

That’s the stable?  – Oh holy … Oh holy..

Attending Angel: Don’t say it!

Michael: Oh, holy night. CODE RED angels. CODE RED, this is happening now and it’s happening in this stable! Cleaning Angels, report there immediately.

Cleaning Angel #1: Wait, we were told this would be in like a room, in a house. It would be a relatively clean environment and an easy job for us.

Michael: Yeah, well, things have changed a bit. I need that entire stable completely sterile. Do you understand? A totally sterile environment before she gives birth.

Cleaning Angel #2: You do realize there are several camels there?

Michael: Yes, I see the camels! JUST DO YOUR JOB!!!!!!!!!! Not one microbe! NOT ONE MICROBE! And don’t forget to sterilize that manger too, they may need it for something later.

Cleaning Angel #1: Understood, we’re on it.

Michael: Birthing Angels! – You’re on, get to the stable now!

Birthing Angel #1: Where is the midwife? We were told there would be a midwife, and we would just be observing her.

Michael: There is no midwife. Joseph will be delivering the baby by himself. Your job is to make sure the baby is delivered safely.

Birthing Angel #2: But how is he going to do that? He’s never delivered a baby before. He’s just a carpenter, tired from the trip, and doing this in the dark.

Michael: Why do you think you’re here? You are to do whatever is necessary to deliver that baby – even if you must deliver it yourselves. IS THAT CLEAR?

Birthing Angel #1: Really? I’m not sure we are authorized to do that.

Michael: Are you dense? You are archangels and I just gave you that authority! Now, DO YOUR JOB and get me a healthy baby boy. 

(Minutes later)

Michael: I don’t have a clear view. Is it really happening?

Attending Angel:  I think it could be happening.

Birthing Angel #2: Oh, it is most definitely happening.

(Pause)

Attending Angel: Do you hear what I hear?

Michael: I hear, a child, a child?

Birthing Angel #1: The Lamb has arrived. Healthy, and all his vitals are good!

Michael: We’ve got a baby, angels! We have Immanuel! The Lamb of God who will take away the sins of that world! Thank you all for your hard work!

Attending Angel: Aren’t you forgetting something?

Michael: Oh, duh! Angel Choirs – you are on – start singing!

Choir Director: This happened in a different location than planned. Where do you want us?

Michael: Choir #1 – you go tell it on that mountain. Choir #2 – you go over those hills. Choir #3 – you go everywhere in between.

Choir Director: Sing it loud and proud, angels! I want you heard on high and singing in exultation! I need to hear that hark! Gloria in excelsis deo, angels! Gloria in excelsis deo!

Attending Angel: Look at those skies – They’re triumphant!

Michael: Who are those people approaching from the fields?

Attending Angel: They appear to be shepherds?

Choir Director: Yeah, some of my singers blabbed to them about it. Couldn’t help themselves.

Michael: Who is the person approaching from the city? Is he carrying something?

Attending Angel: It’s just a kid with a drum, no threat.

Michael: Okay, team, our work here is done! Choirs, sing as long and as loud as you like. I’m sending in the Guardian Angels. The rest of you are free to go.

And readers, you are also free to go - Have a wonderful Christmas!

Friends No More! - The Old Guy Chronicles - Part 2

 When it comes to having friendships, there are generally three personality types:

Friend - Adverse

These people have aggressive, gruff personalities. They tend to say what they feel and don’t care much what others think of them. As a result, they don’t have many friends, and they don’t care. They know the few good friends they do have, are loyal, and can be trusted. 

Friend – Normal

The great majority of people fall into this category. They make friends based on shared interests. They have a manageable circle of friends. If there are conflicts with friends, they may naturally phase those out and concentrate on their healthy friendships. They have no issue swapping out old friends for new ones when those tired friendships have run their course. 

Friend – Needy

These people seek to have as many friends as possible. They cast their net wide and want as many people as possible to like them. They will “friend” people on Facebook whom they don't know to boost their circle. It is psychologically painful for people in this group to lose a friend; therefore, they will usually do whatever is necessary to preserve the friendship. These people have an obsession with being liked and need constant positive affirmation gained from as many people as possible. 

My Issues

I must confess that I fall into the Friend-Needy category. We all have different personality defects, and this is one of mine. I am devastated when a friendship ends. I have forgiven, accepted, and ignored terrible behavior in the past just to keep the friend. I have apologized when the other person was at fault, and did whatever it took to maintain that friendship. This means over the years, I have acquired several “high maintenance” friendships. 

Time For A Change

Joining the M.O.A.C.A. (Man of a certain age) tribe has changed my perspective. Over the last few years, I have intentionally cut loose several people I once considered good friends. I concluded that the effort necessary to maintain these friendships was not worth the value of the friendships. In each case, there was a breaking point due to bad behavior on their part. If they had apologized, I would have accepted, and we would have gotten on with life. But there were no apologies, indicating these people saw no problem with treating me like sh!+.  I simply didn’t want to be subject to such awful behavior again, so I won’t. I don’t hate these people, but I now consider them just acquaintances – not friends. 

The Incidents                                

I will give generalized descriptions of these transgressions for comparison purposes in your life. 

Situation #1

Unbeknownst to me, a friend was distraught over something I did that I thought was a positive action. My simple question about the issue resulted in the worst email I have ever received in my life, personal or business. It was a rambling 800-word treatise about how awful I was to do this and how much anguish it had caused her. The email was so caustic, attacking me personally with vile comments. It was a huge, mega drama queen reaction, to such a minor issue.

I was angered and confused by this reaction. I resisted the temptation to respond in kind. I could have ground her into dust (don’t ever engage a writer with a temper in a written argument), which would have destroyed the relationship forever and caused issues for me if she had complained to people in our circle about how awful I had treated her. Life Lesson: If I considered her behavior to be wrong, then reacting back with the same behavior is just as wrong.

Ultimately, I decided she would never have sent me such a vicious email if I was truly her friend. In addition, I never want to receive such spiteful communication from her ever again – so, now the ties have been cut, and she is just an acquaintance. 

Situation #2

As we frequently did, I had met a long-time friend to engage in a recreational activity. Something disturbing had happened to me earlier that day, and I almost canceled the meet-up. Still, I hoped that engaging in the activity would provide a distraction from my aggravation. However, the guy wanted to argue about politics as he frequently did. I never liked these discussions but would try to deflect them as much as possible. That day, I could not handle his harassment. He insisted on arguing, and I asked him three times to stop, but he refused. As I walked away, he was still berating me. This was basically bullying behavior.

When I told my wife what happened, she reminded me how much I had complained about the guy. Yes, he was high maintenance, and I had accommodated his bad behavior for some time. I expected him to apologize, but he never did. We have not spoken since. 

Situation #3

A friend offered, unsolicited, to evaluate a project I was doing. He has expertise in that area, so I welcomed his suggestions for improvement. However, he sent me a blistering critique, with no helpful ideas. If I were younger, and less discerning, I would have considered quitting the project for good.

I speculate that the person had some built-up animosity towards me, jealousy perhaps, and saw this as an opportunity to blast me. I don’t need friends like that, so the ties have been cut, and he is a friend no more. 

They’re mental – But I’m not their counselor

In all three cases, I believe the people are suffering from some type of mental illness. Of course, while I would like to help them, I can’t.

It doesn’t work like this –

Me: Hey, I think you are batsh!+ crazy and could really use some therapy for your wacked-out mind?

Them: Thanks, Don! I didn't know I had a problem, and I will schedule a meeting with a psychologist tomorrow. You are such a good friend.

Yes, I was their friend, but I’m not their counselor. I have cut them loose to spew their venom on other people, but they won’t be puking on me anymore. 

The Friend Deception

As I wrote in my book, Deep Heavy Stuff: Not everyone you consider your friend is actually your friend. They are really only acquaintances. This means your circle of friends is much smaller than you think. The irony here is the Friend-Adverse and the Friend-Needy person actually have close to the same number of true friends, and the Friend-Adverse person has the advantage of knowing better who their real friends are. 

It Took Too Long For Me To Get This

Only after becoming a M.O.A.C.A. did I learn that some friendships take more effort than their worth and should be dissolved. Something for you people of a younger age to consider when dealing with high-maintenance friends.

Wow – I Can Now Burn Bridges!

"Don't burn your bridges."

That’s an often-quoted rule of life. Of course, it’s not actually about igniting a steel bridge over a highway. The expression was derived from ancient armies burning the olden wooden bridges of yore. Supposedly, some marauding armies were so confident of their invincibility that they burned cities and everything around them. However, when these armies were forced to retreat quickly, they couldn’t cross the river because they had burned the bridges.

Yes, that was stupid, but these were warriors with elevated testosterone who loved to burn things. Apparently, these ill-advised bridge-burning incidents happened so frequently that the bridge-burning quote became an axiom that remains familiar to this day.  

Today, this adage warns that when you have been mistreated and are angry, don’t end a relationship, partnership, employment, agreement, contract, association, etc., by saying or doing anything that will fizz someone off and permanently end that relationship. Because in the future, you may need that person's help, relationship, money, employment, etc. It is wise advice that should be followed – up to a point. More on this later. 

 

You First Have To Learn

“Don’t burn your bridges” is a rule of life, but it doesn’t come naturally and, like most things, must be learned. When you are younger, you don’t hesitate to take a flamethrower to people who have wronged you. You are naïve and oblivious to the consequences, and there are so many bridges available to burn.

However, there comes that day when you must recross one of those burnt bridges, which costs you. Over time, perhaps in your 20s, the wise person learns not to do this. The fool may continue to burn bridges their entire life and wonder why things don’t turn out well for them.

Fortunately, I learned not to burn bridges while still in college. I had decided to leave a campus organization because of the horrid leadership, which caused unbearable working conditions. I left to join a competing organization that had formed due to the toxic conditions at the first place. While at the new organization, I wrote a satirical newspaper article that poked fun at the other organization.

Of course, the new organization folded after a few months, so the logical course of action was to return to the original organization because it would mutually benefit both parties. I requested a meeting to discuss my return. I expected the person (who people still refer to as an a$$hole 40+ years later) to chastise my behavior and possibly take minimal responsibility for what had transpired. I would then sincerely apologize for my actions, and we would shake hands, make up, and get on with life.

I enter his office, and he closes the door. I make some introductory positive comments. He quickly reaches into his desk drawer, grabs the article I had written, and begins to read it aloud angrily. With him still reading, I get up and leave, and I have never spoken to him since.

Now, he did want me back with his organization, but he made a big error because he expected me to beg for it. The problem is, I don’t beg. This is not a virtue, or even a macho thing. There are certain life skills you do not develop as an only child, and begging is one of them. Begging is even beneficial in certain circumstances, such as if someone sticks a gun to your head and wants you to beg for your life. If this ever happened to me, at my funeral, people would have asked, “I wonder why the guy shot Don in the head four times and let the other hostages go free?” Well, begging isn’t one of my skills, but sarcasm certainly is.

 

Then Things Change

Once you learn this lesson, typically by burning a bridge you later need, you go through the middle stages of your life, careful not to permanently damage these relationships. However, this is a tradeoff because nothing in this life comes without a price.

You want to burn a bridge because a person or organization has treated you so awfully over an extended period that you have anger built up that you so want to express when the relationship comes to an end. But you don’t in order to preserve that bridge.

This means you let people abuse you with no consequences. If you must return to that relationship, that abuse will undoubtedly resume. The price for not burning the bridge is taking a lot of $h!t from horrible, deranged people.

Life is one giant tradeoff. You are willing to maintain those bridges just in case, by accepting and not responding to bad behavior. Life is tough, isn't it?

Looking back at my life and career, there are times I should have pushed back hard at people for their unacceptable behavior towards me. Of course, now I know what few bridges were worth maintaining and which could have been burned without consequence.

 

And Now Things Change Again

Now that I am a M.O.A.C.A. (Man Of A Certain Age), my bridge-burning perspective has changed once again. Recently, an organization treated me horribly, which impacted not only me but also the group of fine people I have the privilege to lead. These bassturds expected me to just accept their $h!t and go away quietly, and that's precisely what I would have done even a few years ago.

 

So, how to respond today to this awful behavior? Ahh, there is a new perspective. I reasoned that I would never need this particular bridge again, and on the slight chance that I might, I just do not care. If this action costs me the rest of my life, that won’t be such a long time now. Once that calculation was clear, I grabbed that flame thrower I had not used since my younger days and torched that bridge into ashes. I consider it giving a lesson from an older, wiser man (A M.O.A.C.A.) to some clueless youngins’ who clearly don’t know the proper way to treat people. And it did feel good because M.O.A.C.A.s are more cranky – not grumpy - than in their younger days. I suppose there will be more bridge burning in the future. So be warned.

 

And when you are old enough not to care ….

 

I Shall Not Cross This Bridge Again

I shall not cross this bridge but once; any harm or evil thrown my way by any human being; let me not accept nor ignore it. Let me torch that plank to ashes, for I shall not cross this bridge again.