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Monday, December 12, 2011

What Some Guys Really Want For Christmas

It’s that most wonderful time of the year again when those irritating Christmas commercials get played over and over until you are ready to toss your Christmas cookies.  One of the magical moments of the season is when the big day finally arrives and advertisers return to selling more tolerable things such as hemorrhoid cream.

Some of the most irritating commercials are by jewelry stores.  Some guy overspends for some stupid necklace and a joyous Christmas moment is shared by the whole family.  But these commercials are not about what the woman wants for Christmas, it’s really all about what the guy desperately wants.

The husband in these commercials is 30-something with two or three younger kids and a fairly attractive wife.  Of course the wife is busy looking after the children and she is always tired after doing all the holiday preparations.  This means the guy isn’t getting “any” and what he really wants for Christmas is to get “some”.

And this is really what these commercials are selling.  Watch closely.  The guy very nervously presents the gift to his wife (there is a lot riding (ha!) on this one).  She looks at the locket for only a second and then looks at her husband with an expression that he has not seen in years.  The look that says, “I want you now, you manly stud muffin!” 

And then something really special happens.  She embraces him (sometimes the feet even leave the floor) and kisses him passionately.  This happens RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN!  If she is this hot for the guy in front of the kids, can you imagine what is going to happen behind closed doors?  Oh, this guy is getting some.  And it’s not just “married sex” either.  This is going to be some “hot monkey love”.  Better turn off the smoke alarm in the bedroom because we don’t want the firemen breaking down the door and hosing us off!
And those cute children who are smiling goofily at mommy’s unusual enthusiastic show of affection are in for a surprise too.  The kids may be happy at the end of the commercial, but five seconds after it ends they will learn they are going to bed early tonight (like immediately) because mommy has to tend to the “Yule log”.

The message is clear.  The guy on the commercial bought his wife an expensive piece of jewelry and he is getting “some”.  If you make the mistake of buying your wife a new vacuum cleaner for Christmas, you are not getting “some”.  You are getting none, although your floors may be cleaner.

Yes, I think the jewelry companies are promoting “domestic prostitution”, but it must be working.  If it didn’t you would see so many of these commercials year after year before Christmas.  There is a connection between jewelry and sex.  I’m guessing that jewelry is what most guys give their mistresses for Christmas.  It’s sort of like a year-end tip.  It says “Thanks for letting me visit the Netherlands this year.  Hope to be in Amsterdam many times next year.”  Monogamous guys are just hoping they can get to the Netherlands sometime over the holidays.

My message to the jewelry companies is to be more honest about what they are really selling.  “Every kiss begins with ….”?  Are you serious? A freaking $5 sprig of mistletoe can get you a kiss! Guys are expecting a lot more than that.  Of course advertising that "Every (insert your favorite euphemism here) begins with ….” would be going a bit too far.

My message to the husbands is that you are being manipulated.  It might work, but if it doesn’t you have spent a lot of cash needlessly.  Maybe you should try another route to the Netherlands.

My message to the wives is that if your husband gives you jewelry for Christmas, he is expecting some hot sex.  So please oblige.  He has been manipulated by the commercials.  He has made an effort to please you.  And he has spent some serious coin, so in effect he deserves "some".  However, if you have indeed been too busy and too tired to do any Yule logging early in December, better to not do any now. Or you could end up with a new vacuum cleaner.

Merry Christmas!

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