Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, January 23, 2012

Funny Business at the Comedy Club

A few weeks ago I made my first visit to a comedy club.  I went to see my friend Chuck Costanzo who was the opening act. (Yes I have a friend who is a stand-up comedian, so I probably do think that I am cooler than you)  And when I visit new places, you know that strange things are going to happen and this night was no exception.  It is a comedy club, but not all the humorous stuff was happening on stage.

Soon after I arrived I noticed a young woman who apparently had left home that evening in a big hurry.  I say that because she had forgotten to put on the rest of her clothes. She was there in her undergarments.  They call them undergarments because they are meant to be worn “under” other garments called outer garments.  I must say that it was a very nice corset, but unless you are paid to swing on a pole, you shouldn’t be wearing one in public.

My guess is that she is a Lady Ga Ga wannabe.   Obviously she doesn’t realize that even Lady Ga Ga would wear a dress to a comedy club.  And unfortunately beauty-wise this woman was no Lady Ga Ga.   She was a little chunky monkey.   There were “deficiencies” that she should have been trying to conceal, because there was plenty of  junk in that trunk.  Technically the junk was actually out of the trunk and on display like a human yard sale.  And you had you think that this junk could be obtained very cheaply.  No need to undress her with your eyes, she had done if for you.  I gave her the name Lady Gagme.

Soon a couple, Ben and Lorrie, were seated at my table.   They were an attractive couple in their late 30’s and seemed like very normal people.  However almost from the beginning Lorrie began flirting with me.  Now at my age when a younger, attractive, woman flirts with you it is much appreciated, but I was getting uncomfortable especially since Ben was sitting right there.  But he didn’t seem to mind it.  In fact it looked like he was actually enjoying it.  So Lorrie made even more suggestive comments and kept giving me very seductive looks.

Finally Ben took exception to something Lorrie said and announced how he was going to “discipline” her for that comment later that night.  I thought he might be joking, but the wicked smile on Lorrie’s face told me he was serious.  Later in the evening, Lorrie did tell me privately what she had planned for Ben later that night.

After the evening was over, I realized that I had actually participated in a “threesome”.  This was Ben and Lorrie’s verbal foreplay and I was the foil.   Of course I was never invited to participate any further in this “game” which is a good thing because I am “definitely not into that”.  But don’t feel bad for me. If I wanted some affection, I’m sure Lady Gagme needed a ride home.

 As this conversation was happening I found it very bizarre, but now I find it highly amusing.  The only reason that I was exposed to these shenanigans is that I was attending the show with my friend Bob, who is also a friend of Chuck’s.  I was expecting to arrive late, so Bob was supposed to get there before me and get a table up front.  But apparently Bob had trouble reading the e-mail I sent him explaining when to arrive and also had trouble understanding my instructions when I called him the night before to make sure he would get there before me.  So Bob was late; very, very, late.  Leaving me exposed to verbal hijinks of this horny couple.

The comedy actually happening on the stage was awesome. Chuck did a great job with his routine which included a bit on how great it would be if women could produce beer instead of breast milk. A woman at the table next to me said she would give it a try and several guys immediately volunteered to be taste testers. 

The main act was an Arabian comedienne with huge breasts and she was hilarious.  I found myself becoming attracted to her because I am a former stand-up comedian and I appreciate her talent. It had nothing to do with her breasts, which are enormous. Her jokes were really funny, especially the ones about her large, heaving, breasts.

Overall it was a very enjoyable evening. The packed crowd really got into the show. Ben and Lorrie did leave in a hurry shortly before it concluded. I guess they had something else to do, can't imagine what it was. I hoped they enjoyed the show, but even if he didn't I know Ben's evening had a happy ending.


  1. Don,in your meager attempts to feel accepted by the younger generation,I believe you may have been suffering from (visions of grandeur)or technically with your warped sense of humor,(and I use that term loosely)created a senario of which you would have percieved these younger people being sexually interested in your old bag of bones,not only do I believe your lady gagme was just attempting to humor your dirty old mind,but I find it very difficult that a 30ish year old couple would ever attempt such a hideous act of sexual arousal on an individual that could so easily suffer a cardiac arrest or even a major stroke just contemplating such activity.Please,the next time you gravitate towards such deviant behavior,remember,not only are you gittun old but now its quite obvious,senile !!just fer L&G,yer friend ed

  2. Ha ha, I wasn't there that night, but I heard there was a swingers convention the early show Friday when Traci and Chuck were there a few weeks back!

    -Anthony Savatt