Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Gazing Upon the Royal Jewels

Truth #1 – The Internet is a wonderful thing because it allows you to see anything and everything.  The Internet is also a terrible thing because it allows you to see anything and everything, including things that you should not see.

Truth #2 – Teenage boys have a burning desire to see things they are not allowed to look at.  As men grow older this desire is tempered because men are permitted to see more things than boys, however the temptation never really goes away.

The Duchess Kate
And now these two truths are on a collision course so epic that civilization may temporarily come to a grinding halt.  The alarming event in question is the soon to be released topless photos of Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge. 

Now this wasn’t a case of “Princesses Gone Wild”.  Kate did not flash her goodies to get some beads. She already has all the “real” beads she needs. No, some photographer, who reportedly is a former teenage boy, snapped some long-range photos of Kate while she was sunbathing topless on a private beach.

This is an outrageous violation of Kate’s privacy.   They may post the photos, but this is something that should not be seen by anyone.  No one should look at it.  This means that soon after the photos are posted, millions of men throughout the world will jump on the Internet to get a glimpse of the royal ta-tas.  I fully expect the entire Internet to totally freeze up until every man in the world with an Internet connection is able to adequately ogle the duchess.  This threatens to crash the entire Internet as we know it.

To save the Internet we may have to bring in Officer Barbrady from South Park to declare: “Move along people. Nothing to see here.” And I do believe there is not going to be much to see.  While Kate is a certified royal babe, she is considered to be “lithe”.  This means that she could not get a job at Hooters.  She has no trouble jumping rope and she can easily see her feet while standing.  Her cups, even when measured in milliliters appear (when clothed) to be modest.

Of course after the men of the world finish gawking, many women will also view the photos.  They will want to see how they measure up compared to the duchess.  All women want to be princesses and a duchess is very close to that.  Many will think: “Look at that.  My goodies are better than her royal jewels.  Perhaps the Duke would like to upgrade from princess size to queen size.”  They believe this because in life, as in poker, two queens beats a small pair.   

This scandal will be very embarrassing for poor Kate.  I know it is sure to be very awkward the next time I see her.  I will have to be careful not to talk about my vacation to the Flatlands and not to mention the firmness of the mini-muffins being served at the party.  And if Kate had any ideas about discretely enhancing the royal treasure chest, she can foggetaboutit because everyone will have seen a “before” photo.

On the other hand, the photos represent just how far we have progressed as a civilization.  In olden days a commoner could be put to death for even accidently viewing royal naughty bits, but now everyone can see the spectacles from the privacy of their own homes.  Heck, you can even project the image on your big screen TV if you wish.

Now some will argue that you should not view these photographs because of their salacious content.  But I am giving men everywhere permission to look based on creative grounds.  You see, these photos should not be considered pornographic, but because they are of royalty, they should be considered art.  They are just as much art as the ancient statues of some old chicks which displayed large, naked, jugs.  So guys, go ahead and enjoy an enchanting, inspiring, experience.  Ahhhhhh, euphoric.

Just don’t peruse the photos too long.  And remember; keep both hands on the keyboard at all times.


  1. Hey! I am very interested in if you have a lot of traffic on this journal?

  2. Brandon, my best is 6,000+ hits in December 2012