Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

My Big Presidential Endorsement

I thought it would be a good idea to remind everyone the presidential election in just two weeks away, just in case you have been living under a rock the past few months.  Of course there is no need to remind anyone here in Ohio, since it is considered a “swing” state.  This does not mean that we are frequently engaging in kinky sex.  No, it means that we have not decided yet who we will vote for.  Of course it is difficult to concentrate on politics when you are having so much kinky sex.                

This campaign has been rather contentious.  It has divided families, it has divided co-workers, and in the most serious rift, it has divided Facebook friends.  It’s just like the Civil War except for all the dead bodies and that succession thing.  People are posting stupid, inane, bigoted and outright ridiculous things on Facebook and these are just from the candidates.  My Facebook friends are posting much worse.

In order to end the war between my Facebook friends, help my Filipino Facebook friends decide who to vote for and most importantly, to stop the constant political phone calls and the pile of daily political mailings, I have decided to make my much anticipated presidential endorsement.

My Choice

My Guy has the correct position on all of the issues.  And even when he is proven wrong on an issue, he backtracks with grace and dignity and quickly develops new positions which are even more excellent than the previous ones.  However, Your Guy is an unprincipled, flip-flopper who is very shady.  My Guy is always totally honest on all things.  Your Guy is a bold-faced liar who can’t be trusted on anything.  My Guy waxes eloquently, while Your Guy has wax in his ears and can’t even hear the voice of the people.

I have heard some very disturbing things about Your Guy’s religious beliefs.  I am concerned that he is some “wacko” nut job whose weird beliefs surely influence every decision that he makes.  My Guy’s religious beliefs are very mainstream and he is very close to sainthood.    

My Guy’s political ads clearly state the truth with no distortions and deceit whatsoever.   However, Your Guy runs ads that are so silly they are laughable.  Nothing in these ads is true, especially the outrageous lies about My Guy.

I think by now we know which candidate is the best master debater.  Your Guy was rude, dishonest and disrespectful.  My Guy acted with the utmost dignity and displayed an almost angelic demeanor.  I do realize that both guys were too aggressive in the second debate, but I attribute that to them trying to impress that gorgeous hunk of woman, Candy Crowley, who is one part Victoria Secret model and one part Chicago Bears linebacker. Groooowl!

My Guy selected a Catholic running mate who is a living embodiment of God.  However, I have heard priests criticize Your Guy’s Catholic running mate as being a sinner and no better than a Baptist!  Your Guy’s grandfather had multiple wives in a foreign country and My Guy’s grandfather, uh, okay let’s forget that one.

I fully believe all the polls that show My Guy winning the election.  These polls are done by outstanding research firms that utilize the best practices available.  The polls that show Your Guy ahead are total rubbish.  They use methods such as voodoo, Ouija boards and fortune tellers to get their numbers.  And these polls totally ignore My Guy’s ability to inspire the electorate and make a stunning comeback.

So I believe the choice is obvious.  For all these reasons, I am strongly endorsing “My Guy” for President of the United States.  And may I add that Your Guy is a total doo-doo head.

May God bless My Guy and may God bless the United States of America!

Monday, October 8, 2012

These Are My Teams – Now Stop Laughing!

It’s football season in Northeast Ohio and this means I am cheering on my three favorite teams to victory.  Okay for two them, I’m actually just yelling a lot.  But I have noticed that “my” teams all have odd nicknames which warrant some discussion.

College: The University of Akron
Team Name: Zips

The team at my alma mater was originally named the “Zippers” after a new rubber boot that featured this new-fangled closure.  The name had to be changed a few years later when zippers became an important part of men’s trousers.  This would have been a great opportunity to select a new name, but no, the bad name was just shortened to Zips.

The name Zips can mean a quick movement or it means nothing, as in “you got zip”.  This latter meaning is very useful to headline writers whenever an Akron team gets shutout.  The name also made developing a mascot difficult.  If the school was true to its heritage, it would have a guy in a huge rubber boot jumping around the field.  Instead a great mascot “Zippy” (a kangaroo) was created and actually was named Capital One Mascot of the Year in 2007.  It could have been worse; they could have gone more generic and named the team the Akron Rubbers.

College: Ohio State University
Team Name: Buckeyes

You might be surprised that I cheer for two college teams, but almost everyone in the state of Ohio roots for the Buckeyes.  It my case I have to.  The other two teams mentioned in this post have a combined 6-33 record dating back to the start of last season, so if I want to back a “winner”, this is my team.

Ohio State is having a great season, but is ineligible to compete for the national championship because the team is on probation.  Apparently this is due to some people valuing something called “institutional integrity” over the players being able to receive free tattoos!  This is an outrage.  Nothing should ever trump the opportunity to receive free tats.  Come on man, it’s part of the uniform!

However, “Buckeyes” is a ridiculous name. Of course the buckeye is the state nut, but why does Ohio even need an official nut?  The buckeye is also inedible, which means it is a useless nut.  So Ohio State fans, your team represents a useless nut.  The name is laughable.  No other team is named after a nut.  You don’t see the Arizona Almonds playing the Wisconsin Walnuts, do you?

The mascot is Brutus Buckeye, which is a tall student running around with a huge nut for his head.  Unfortunately this resembles a, well ah, okay it looks like something you would see at a fertility festival.  This is why you never see Brutus interacting with the cheerleaders. The cheerleaders are not allowed to hug, squeeze, or sit on top of him.  And under no circumstances are they allowed to rub or kiss his head for good luck.  The last time that happened, poor Brutus suffered some stiffness that last more than four hours and had to seek medical attention.

NFL Team: Cleveland
Name: The Browns

There are only a few things in the world that are naturally the color brown, and most, let’s say “dirt” for instance, are unpleasant (politically correct insert: this does not include people!). The team was named after Paul Brown, the first coach, but that was a long time ago.  You should never name teams after people, because things change. Just imagine if a team had been named the Penn State Paternos? Paul Brown was eventually fired, so now most people believe the team is named after the color.

The name Browns makes having a mascot difficult.  They tried having “Brownie the Elf”, but a weak, boyish, symbol does not instill fear in an opponent.  And you can’t have someone running around in a long brown sock with eye holes. This would scare the children and would risk having the mascot being continually picked up and disposed of by stadium maintenance. The sad part is that since the new Browns have returned to Cleveland they have played like brown stuff, smelly brown stuff.  

Because I am a Browns fan, many people have asked me if the recent passing of the former owner, who moved the team to Baltimore, has caused me to change my opinion of him.  Of course it has.  What type of callous, uncaring, person do you think I am?  Before, I regarded him as a bastard. Now, I regard him as a dead bastard.