Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

My Big Presidential Endorsement

I thought it would be a good idea to remind everyone the presidential election in just two weeks away, just in case you have been living under a rock the past few months.  Of course there is no need to remind anyone here in Ohio, since it is considered a “swing” state.  This does not mean that we are frequently engaging in kinky sex.  No, it means that we have not decided yet who we will vote for.  Of course it is difficult to concentrate on politics when you are having so much kinky sex.                

This campaign has been rather contentious.  It has divided families, it has divided co-workers, and in the most serious rift, it has divided Facebook friends.  It’s just like the Civil War except for all the dead bodies and that succession thing.  People are posting stupid, inane, bigoted and outright ridiculous things on Facebook and these are just from the candidates.  My Facebook friends are posting much worse.

In order to end the war between my Facebook friends, help my Filipino Facebook friends decide who to vote for and most importantly, to stop the constant political phone calls and the pile of daily political mailings, I have decided to make my much anticipated presidential endorsement.

My Choice

My Guy has the correct position on all of the issues.  And even when he is proven wrong on an issue, he backtracks with grace and dignity and quickly develops new positions which are even more excellent than the previous ones.  However, Your Guy is an unprincipled, flip-flopper who is very shady.  My Guy is always totally honest on all things.  Your Guy is a bold-faced liar who can’t be trusted on anything.  My Guy waxes eloquently, while Your Guy has wax in his ears and can’t even hear the voice of the people.

I have heard some very disturbing things about Your Guy’s religious beliefs.  I am concerned that he is some “wacko” nut job whose weird beliefs surely influence every decision that he makes.  My Guy’s religious beliefs are very mainstream and he is very close to sainthood.    

My Guy’s political ads clearly state the truth with no distortions and deceit whatsoever.   However, Your Guy runs ads that are so silly they are laughable.  Nothing in these ads is true, especially the outrageous lies about My Guy.

I think by now we know which candidate is the best master debater.  Your Guy was rude, dishonest and disrespectful.  My Guy acted with the utmost dignity and displayed an almost angelic demeanor.  I do realize that both guys were too aggressive in the second debate, but I attribute that to them trying to impress that gorgeous hunk of woman, Candy Crowley, who is one part Victoria Secret model and one part Chicago Bears linebacker. Groooowl!

My Guy selected a Catholic running mate who is a living embodiment of God.  However, I have heard priests criticize Your Guy’s Catholic running mate as being a sinner and no better than a Baptist!  Your Guy’s grandfather had multiple wives in a foreign country and My Guy’s grandfather, uh, okay let’s forget that one.

I fully believe all the polls that show My Guy winning the election.  These polls are done by outstanding research firms that utilize the best practices available.  The polls that show Your Guy ahead are total rubbish.  They use methods such as voodoo, Ouija boards and fortune tellers to get their numbers.  And these polls totally ignore My Guy’s ability to inspire the electorate and make a stunning comeback.

So I believe the choice is obvious.  For all these reasons, I am strongly endorsing “My Guy” for President of the United States.  And may I add that Your Guy is a total doo-doo head.

May God bless My Guy and may God bless the United States of America!


  1. your last line was a bit off it should read "God bless the United States of America... and no place else"

  2. My Guy must win or America is screwed.