Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, January 28, 2013

Desperately Seeking a Smaller Booty

Yes it’s that time of year when you look in the full-length mirror and exclaim: “Whoa, my butt is way too big! How the hell did that happen?”

Of course this happened because you ate lots of every food you were exposed to during the holidays.  The cookies, the pies, the turkey, the ham, the pork, the candy, the hors d'oeuvres and of course the figgy pudding, all tasted great, but all the excess calories took up residence in your behind.

A victim of LAS
If you are a guy, this condition is irritating because your pants are too tight and you may have problems sliding out of your seat at the basketball game. If you are a woman, this can be a major traumatic event.  You now have Large Ass Syndrome (LAS) and your life is ruined.

So of course you need to do something about this! Now you could simply eat less, but this is a crock.  You butt got this big because you ate what you wanted. So you can’t just eat less, because you want to continue to eat more. No, it’s going to take something better to shrink those glutes.

It would be great if there were a self-operated, butt liposuction machine that could be located in a Wal-Mart.  If someone ever invents this, he will be richer than Mitt Romney.  This doesn’t exist, so you are left with the obvious solution.
You need to go on a “diet”.  Which means essentially starving yourself until your body gets so hungry that it digests the fat stored in your butt.  And you see on television that celebrities Dan and Jillian used to have butts as big as yours, but now they have great butts due to this “easy” diet plan.

This is the biggest hoax ever concocted!  These people are being paid big money to lose weight so they can appear in the commercials.  With this incentive, anyone would be able to drop the pounds.  If they paid you that much money, you would lose some significant weight.  But you are not being paid to lose weight; you are paying money to lose weight!  This game is so rigged against you.  And even if you lose the weight, you won’t even come close to looking as good as Jillian or Dan because they started off as “beautiful people”.  You will still look like you, albeit with a somewhat smaller butt.

And these celebrities probably have personal trainers to help them exercise to accelerate their weight loss so they can look toned for their “after” appearance in the commercial.  Now you are talking a real incentive.  Hire me a blonde personal trainer from Sweden named Ulva who shows up for our sessions in a skin-tight body suit, and I am going to drop some serious pounds.  You know when Ulva tells me to “push hard” that I am going to oblige. 

There are many other diets available that you don’t have to pay for, but in the end (no pun intended) most of them fail.  We live in a culture of big, bad, food choices where we super-size it and then end up super-sized ourselves.  Our salads are even full of fat.  We can watch the “Food Channel” which is the equivalent of food porn for fat people. “Oooh, now watch as I apply the caramel drizzle to the seven-layer cake, yuuuuum.”   And on other channels you can be confronted with a high-definition Whopper with Cheese on your big screen, as you are dutifully eating your rice cakes.

And now there is a recent report that people who drink diet soda suffer more from depression.  Other studies have shown that drinking diet soda doesn’t help you lose weight. So of course people get depressed when they drink this crap that tastes like flavored acid-rain and their butt is still way too big!

Obviously I am writing this because I ate too much over the holidays and now my butt is way too big.  Of course I don’t want to buy new clothes because I am a guy and shopping is an expensive irritation.  So what am I going to do?  The diet plan company won’t send Marie Osmond (my teenage crush) to personally convince me to buy their plan.  My wife will not allow me to hire Ulva for “training” sessions. 

So I have spent an enormous amount of money for special raspberries weight loss drops.  These are not just any raspberries, but magical raspberries with special fat burning powers.  The weight is supposed to just drop right off. I just hope that I am near a restroom when that happens.

Monday, January 14, 2013

The Smoking Hot Exemption Rule

You know the BCS title football game was super boring when the big story the next day was about the comments that announcer Brent Musburger made about Katherine Webb (girlfriend of the Alabama quarterback).   Brent had the audacity to refer to Webb as a lovely lady and good-looking and even implied that other guys might want a girlfriend that looked like her.  Oh the humanity! Oh the blatant heterosexuality!   
Katherine Webb at the game

He didn’t say what most guys were thinking at the time: “There is one hot piece of ***. And he didn’t sing “Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like her?”  But even if he had, his behavior would have still been acceptable due to the “Smoking Hot Exception”.
The “Smoking Hot Exception” rule, or SHE, states that bad behavior (excluding crimes) by men is partially or totally excused if there is a smoking-hot female involved.  Men instinctively rate women on a scale similar to how chicken wings are listed on a menu with ugly women being equal to “mild” and smoking hot woman equal to “atomic”.  When men behave badly and there is a woman involved, other men will give him a break depending on where the woman rates on the chart.  

It works like this; one guy will be explaining his questionable behavior, another guy will then ask “was she hot?”  The first guy will say “she was smoking hot” and then both guys will share a hopeless expression with their hands up it the air.  The thought expressed either implicitly or explicitly is “What could I do? - She was smoking hot”.
For example:
Guy One:  You got another terrible haircut.  Why don’t you go somewhere else?
Guy Two: The stylist is smoking hot.
Guy One: (with hands up in the air) “Oh well, what can you do?” 
The SHE is even used in business settings:
Executive One: Our VP Sam was caught banging Becky in the storage room, what should we do?
Executive Two: Well, Becky is smoking hot! (both guys hopeless looks, hands raised up)
Executive One: Oh well, we will just fire Becky and then let’s promote Sam because what can we do? She is so smoking hot.
So many “man stories” include the explanation: The saleswoman, the waitress, the stewardess, the stripper, etc. was so smoking hot that I ended up doing (fill in the blank), but what could I do? I am not saying the SHE is good or even right, but this is how the world works and you can’t really change it.
Some people have accused Musburger of ogling and leering at Katherine.  Now this is of course total bull since he was looking at a video monitor and not her.  Many guys don’t even understand what leering is even though it is prohibited by most company sexual harassment policies.  As a public service I will attempt to clarify this in terms guys can understand.  Leering is staring intently at a beautiful woman so long, that you get caught doing it.
Therefore, leering is a function of the length of the stare.  Staring for one second is not leering.  Staring for three seconds is not leering.  Staring for five seconds is a violation.  So guys, think of it as a five-second count in basketball, you must break eye contact or you can get whistled for a penalty. 
The critics say it was creepy for the older Musburger to look at and admire such a young woman.  Well I say it’s creepy that you have any problem with that at all. Brent is a healthy, heterosexual, male that naturally reacted to the (smoking-hot) stimulus that was presented to him.  Many women do not understand this reaction or the legitimacy of the SHE because they do not understand male hormones.  Hell, I’ve had these male hormones since puberty – and I don’t understand them.  I just try to control them the best I can.
"Atomic" Beauty!
So to all Brent’s critics, I wish you would all shut your pie holes and move on to something else irrelevant to complain about.  If anyone is offended by this blog post, what could I do?  I mean Katherine is just so smoking hot.