Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, January 14, 2013

The Smoking Hot Exemption Rule

You know the BCS title football game was super boring when the big story the next day was about the comments that announcer Brent Musburger made about Katherine Webb (girlfriend of the Alabama quarterback).   Brent had the audacity to refer to Webb as a lovely lady and good-looking and even implied that other guys might want a girlfriend that looked like her.  Oh the humanity! Oh the blatant heterosexuality!   
Katherine Webb at the game

He didn’t say what most guys were thinking at the time: “There is one hot piece of ***. And he didn’t sing “Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like her?”  But even if he had, his behavior would have still been acceptable due to the “Smoking Hot Exception”.
The “Smoking Hot Exception” rule, or SHE, states that bad behavior (excluding crimes) by men is partially or totally excused if there is a smoking-hot female involved.  Men instinctively rate women on a scale similar to how chicken wings are listed on a menu with ugly women being equal to “mild” and smoking hot woman equal to “atomic”.  When men behave badly and there is a woman involved, other men will give him a break depending on where the woman rates on the chart.  

It works like this; one guy will be explaining his questionable behavior, another guy will then ask “was she hot?”  The first guy will say “she was smoking hot” and then both guys will share a hopeless expression with their hands up it the air.  The thought expressed either implicitly or explicitly is “What could I do? - She was smoking hot”.
For example:
Guy One:  You got another terrible haircut.  Why don’t you go somewhere else?
Guy Two: The stylist is smoking hot.
Guy One: (with hands up in the air) “Oh well, what can you do?” 
The SHE is even used in business settings:
Executive One: Our VP Sam was caught banging Becky in the storage room, what should we do?
Executive Two: Well, Becky is smoking hot! (both guys hopeless looks, hands raised up)
Executive One: Oh well, we will just fire Becky and then let’s promote Sam because what can we do? She is so smoking hot.
So many “man stories” include the explanation: The saleswoman, the waitress, the stewardess, the stripper, etc. was so smoking hot that I ended up doing (fill in the blank), but what could I do? I am not saying the SHE is good or even right, but this is how the world works and you can’t really change it.
Some people have accused Musburger of ogling and leering at Katherine.  Now this is of course total bull since he was looking at a video monitor and not her.  Many guys don’t even understand what leering is even though it is prohibited by most company sexual harassment policies.  As a public service I will attempt to clarify this in terms guys can understand.  Leering is staring intently at a beautiful woman so long, that you get caught doing it.
Therefore, leering is a function of the length of the stare.  Staring for one second is not leering.  Staring for three seconds is not leering.  Staring for five seconds is a violation.  So guys, think of it as a five-second count in basketball, you must break eye contact or you can get whistled for a penalty. 
The critics say it was creepy for the older Musburger to look at and admire such a young woman.  Well I say it’s creepy that you have any problem with that at all. Brent is a healthy, heterosexual, male that naturally reacted to the (smoking-hot) stimulus that was presented to him.  Many women do not understand this reaction or the legitimacy of the SHE because they do not understand male hormones.  Hell, I’ve had these male hormones since puberty – and I don’t understand them.  I just try to control them the best I can.
"Atomic" Beauty!
So to all Brent’s critics, I wish you would all shut your pie holes and move on to something else irrelevant to complain about.  If anyone is offended by this blog post, what could I do?  I mean Katherine is just so smoking hot.


  1. I feel seeing all the No comments in the last 2 weeks...everyone agrees with you..lol

  2. What could anyone say about it? - because she is just so smokin'... well you know