In
response to media reports regarding the hacked and subsequently leaked nude
photos and videos of Jennifer Lawrence, it is the appropriate time for me to issue
an official statement.
Despite
what is being reported by TMZ, Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, The
Weather Channel and others, I am not the person seen with Ms. Lawrence is
several of the photographs. I categorically deny ever engaging in the
shenanigans displayed in the pictures and especially the video.
I
must point out that Ms. Lawrence has also strongly denied having similar
contact with me. It is somewhat disturbing that Ms. Lawrence has not denied
being with any of the younger, buffer, better haired, men in some of the photos,
just me.
I
admit that the guy in the leaked materials bears a striking resemblance to me;
but I assure you it is a case of mistaken identity. I also acknowledge that the person in the
photos has a distinct birthmark on a personal part of his body and that TMZ is
reporting that I have a similar birthmark.
But this evidence comes from an old schoolmate Ronnie Majors, who says
he remembers the alleged birthmark from the showers after junior high gym
class.
 |
| An acquaintance? Maybe, I guess. |
I
may have met Ms. Lawrence one time, I mean I do get around, but frankly I just
don’t recall the encounter. I know she
has admitted meeting me, but I’m not surprised knowing the impression I tend to
make on people. I really don’t know Ms.
Lawrence and that is why I am referring to her as “Ms. Lawrence” and not
“Jennie-poo” like the guy in the video, who purely coincidently sounds a lot
like me. Also, nothing should be concluded
from Ms. Lawrence referring to the guy as “Bloggerstud”. I think this is a total misrepresentation of
the audio. The guy may be German and she may be using a Germanic reference,
like blugerstad or something like that.
Somehow
Access Hollywood got hold of my cell phone contact list. I do admit there is a Jennifer Lawrence on
that list. She happens to be my dental hygienist who just coincidentally has the
same name as the famous actress. I do
realize there were a significant number of texts exchanged between me and this
Ms. Gardner (who I have called “Jenny” on several occasions, but again never,
ever, Jennie-poo). The reason for all
the texting is Ms. Lawrence is a true dental professional and she was just
checking to make sure I was flossing and taking proper care of my teeth. In addition, any uses of the word “oral” in
these texts were in reference to oral health. Also any references to “getting drilled” and
“filling cavities” were strictly dentistry related.
You
should also ignore the statements from my attorney claiming that I am owed
royalties if these photos or videos are used for commercial purposes. He is speaking in the language of “legalese”
which no one really understands. How
would I expect to get any money from this when it is definitely not me in these
photos?
Finally,
please disregard the threats issued to me by Jennie-, I mean Ms. Lawrence’s
current and former boyfriends, and she has had a bunch of them. You would think
she would be a little more selective, don’t you know? I think these guys are just trying to be
macho and they see no risk in threatening an older, distinguished, gentleman like
me. Chris Martin of Coldplay has
threatened to shove his guitar up my “c clef”.
I don’t know if that is possible, but I am selling my front row seats to
the Coldplay concert next month. I don’t
even remember who may or may not have given me those choice tickets.
So
the one thing to remember is that once again I am totally innocent of anything
anyone accuses me of, at any time. You
may now resume believing anything else you may read on the Internet.
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