Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, November 3, 2014

You Will Not Be Offended By My 100th Post

This post marks the 100th edition of Ake’s Pains (if we don’t count the three “serious” posts). The blog debuted in May 2011 and I can’t believe the number of readers it has and the number of hits it has received. So I would like to sincerely thank all my readers who enjoy this blog.

However, everyone is not a fan of the blog.  Recently I received a long message from a young woman named Frances who had seen the blog on a social networking site where I repost it.  She found the blog very boring and somewhat (gasp) offensive and couldn’t understand why people would have any interest in my personal, mundane, story.

The problem is many women under 30 years of age don’t get my jokes.  It’s not that they are stupid.  Humor is subjective and they don’t understand it and that’s okay, not everyone gets or enjoys my stuff.  I’m not surprised Frances was bored by my blog; however there are four very disturbing things about her message:

1.   Even though she was bored and offended, she read the entire lengthy post.  With the thousands of articles available on the Internet each day, who has time to read the bad ones?  Then she writes me a long message to tell me why she was bored. Either she has too much free time or too little life.

2.   This particular post was not offensive.  You would have to try to be offended by it, which evidently she was successful in doing. Because she did not get the jokes, she thought I was stating serious opinions.

3.   She thought I should not repost any more blogs.  Apparently she also has time to police the Internet.  My brilliant solution was to suggest that she not read any more of my posts but allow other people to enjoy them.

4.   She goes by the name “Frances”, nuff said.

However I do care about Frances and the young women like her who wish to read blog posts by middle-aged studs like myself without being offended and made sad.  So I am dedicating this 100th post to Frances by offering the least offensive story that I can possible write.

Don’s Swell Day

I awoke in the morning after getting the recommended seven hours of sleep.  Sleeping less would be unhealthy and sleeping more would be slothful.  I then showered and ate breakfast.

Before starting the workday, I spent time in my executive bathroom.  It was a productive session because I had been careful to ingest the recommended daily amount of fiber the day before. I followed Sheryl Crowe’s suggestion and used only one sheet of toilet paper.  I didn’t feel very fresh, but we all have to do our part to save the planet.

I then started my workday.  I do work at a “for profit” company, but I made sure that my actions did not produce too much profit because that would be greedy and might lead to creating more poor people.

At lunchtime I had a sammich.  I made my own sammich and at no time did any females participate in the making of this sammich.  The sammich consisted of tofu and sprouts on gluten free bread.  I know eating tofu could increase the size of my man-boobs, but we must all sacrifice to save the planet. Plus, this helps me reach my daily fiber goal.

After lunch, I decided to take a power walk to fulfill my daily physical fitness goal.  It was a very hot day so I expected to burn a lot of calories. As I started down the street I saw my neighbor, Hot Carla, washing her car in her string bikini. I thought about engaging her in some friendly, neighborly, small talk.  Perhaps I should stay and offer to hose her down if she gets overheated. But no, she was busy scrubbing that car vigorously, so a friendly wave will have to do. I resume the walk, but for some reason have problems taking a full stride.

When I get to the top of the hill, I notice Mr. Hairy Spider on the edge of the road.  I don’t want him to get squished, so I gently pick him up and carry over to a safe place.  Ahhh, Mr. Spider really likes me.  He has such a tight grip on my finger it’s difficult for me to set him free. Have a good day Hairy!

On my way back I notice Hot Carla has really worked up a sweat! That bikini is soaked! It’s wax time and she is buffing the heck out of that car, but my attention is diverted to the other side of the street where Mister Squirrel is
frolicking and storing food for the winter. Bury those nuts Mr. Squirrel, bury those nuts!

I return home and complete my work day.  I work hard, but not too hard, lest I become rich and evil.  I feel a little guilty about making too much money, so at the end of the day I write some checks to some caring charities in order to save the planet.

I have diner consisting of organic, free range, vegetables and a big heaping helping of quinoa.  I then relax by watching PBS because it has programs unavailable on the other 3,000 channels.  Tonight’s program is “Mating Habits
Squids making more squids
of the Squid”.  It is interesting, but I do cover my eyes during the “good” parts.  I distract myself by thinking about how shiny Hot Carla’s car must be after all her scrubbing and buffing.

At bedtime, my hand is really swollen, my bum is on fire and my loins are all tingly, but all in all, it has been a swell day!


  1. I am slightly over 30 and I laughed out loud at this one, at my desk, like a crazy person.

  2. Thank you Kristen! You get it, girl!

  3. I'm well beyond kindergarten and I'm thinking I could dumb-down and ask you to send me money (not much, you know, whatever), or simply tell you that I'm glad you write. Enjoyed it!