Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, March 23, 2015

My Appetite For Appetizers Is Insatiable

Recently there were two social meetings I wanted to attend that were scheduled on the same evening.  Because the venues were only a few miles apart and the meetings overlapped, I decided to attend both.
The primary challenge was finding something to eat during the evening so I could “power” network the entire night. Fortunately, this would not be a problem as you can see from the invitation to the first meeting (names hidden to protect the guilty):

This meeting would have free appetizers.  It was an important aspect of the meeting and a big incentive to attend, as you can see by the use of not one, but three, exclamation points promoting these appetizers.

This was going to be a long evening, but thanks to the free appetizers from the Holiday Inn it would be very manageable.  I would be an energetic, networking machine, powered by free, delicious, foods.

I strategically planned to get to the meeting right at 5 p.m. so  I could get to those free appetizers before many people arrived.  Last time at this meeting I made the costly mistake of arriving after 5:30.  Some low-life, low-class, moochers had raided the tables and most of the really good appetizers were nearly gone.  I ended up eating much more cheese and crackers than I wanted.  This time would be different; I would get there promptly and then stuff my face with enough Swedish meatballs, bacon-wraps and potato skins, to satisfy me for the entire evening.

I hurried to meeting room and I was the very first person to arrive.  I said my complimentary greetings to the meeting organizers, and then headed straight for the free appetizers.  But there were no free appetizers, just a bare, cold, wood floor.  There were no tables, there were no steaming trays of food, there were no plates to pile my food upon, and there were no napkins to wipe the creamy, ranch sauce from my mustache.  There was nothing - just a vast emptiness.

I felt betrayed, I felt rejected, and I hungered deeply for free appetizers.  What type of cruel world do we live in where free appetizers are promised and then upon arriving you discover there are no free appetizers?  I refer you back to the invitation:

“Free Appetizers!!!”  Three #%¢&ing exclamation points and not one d@#& meatball!  Will somebody please explain how this happens?  Somebody tell these people the recession ended years ago.  There is no justification, none, for stiffing people on the free appetizers.

I didn’t ask why there were no appetizers. I didn’t want to look like one of those greedy parasites who only show up for the free food.  I overheard someone say that the Holiday Inn decided not to provide them anymore.  It’s probably because certain appetizer scroungers were showing up early at the meetings and eating way too much.  How disgusting, I hate those types of people; I mean come on, show some class!   And apparently someone was too lazy to call the Holiday Inn and confirm that appetizers would be available, before issuing the three exclamation point invitation.

Since there were no free appetizers, I left early and very hangry for my second meeting.  As I sat at the traffic light I noticed the sign for “The Tilted Kilt”.  They have good appetizers, but they are not free.  The restaurant is very deceptive, however.  I thought it was a place when Scottish men could wear Scottish garb, eat haggis and hoist some ale.  However, it turns out that it’s the waitresses who wear the kilts and it appears their outfits they wear run a couple sizes too small.  The tilting part comes in as the waitress do waitressy type things, such as leaning and bending over, which provide a nice view of
the Scottish lowlands.  The outfits also offer an ample display of the Scottish highlands, which in this case are much more mountainous than hilly.
I decided to eschew the tour of Scotland and continue down the road.

However, at the next light I could see the “gentlemen’s club” up ahead.  This place is always advertising free appetizers. I’m sure the appetizers are hot, spicy and mouth-watering and the strippers are ho … , okay you get the idea.  Now while the appetizers are free, I’m guessing the strippers are not.  I’m sure they are very good at satisfying certain appetites, but I decide to proceed to the meeting.

Unfortunately the people at the second meeting find my plight of being stiffed on free appetizers rather amusing.  None of these cheapskates offered to buy me any appetizers (which would then be free for me). They suggest that perhaps I should blog about it, which is a dumb idea.  Who would want to read an entire post about … oh never mind. 

By the time I leave, I am famished.  I make sure not to drive past the strip joint on the way home.   Maybe I could demand that my woman make me a sammich. Instead I decide to carry-out at Taco Bell.  Taco Bell is also very deceptive.  They tell you to “make a run for the border”. I would never get there because I always “make a run for el bano” after my meal.

Interestingly, a few weeks later I found myself in the same predicament.  I had two events on the same night and needed some food to make it through.  The first event advertised a “reception” which means you get to “receive” some interaction with people.  But much more important is “recepting” some free appetizers.  

And this time my free appetizer expectations were greatly exceeded.   It was a high-class selection of delectable foods, most of which I could not identify, even after eating it.  There were choices from the six main food groups, including bacon.  It was so complete, there was even asparagus.  I hate
Free - but not a good appetizer
asparagus, it is disgusting.  But it was a nice touch.  Incredibly, I was the first person in line for these awesome, delectable, free appetizers.   Therefore I got the first bite of the apple, and everything else, except for the asparagus of course. 

My faith in free appetizers has therefore been restored, thanks to my friends Matt, Cassie, and Willy, who were responsible for providing this feast. These guys understand the concept of free appetizers and know how to deliver the goods.  So if anyone is holding an event which includes free appetizers, please send me an invitation.

1 comment:

  1. I still think you should have gone to the Tilted Kilt.