Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Sunday, July 17, 2016

I Should Have Played Pokémon Go Instead

I wanted to join in on this Pokémon craze, so I got out my iPhone, the iPhone6, and searched for the app. But then my eyes lit up when I noticed this new game. This one appeared to be the greatest game ever created by mankind.  I then enthusiastically downloaded Sammichmon Go! and couldn’t wait to start playing.

In Sammichmon Go, a specific type of sammich appears on the screen. You then go to various locations around the city collecting the ingredients for this particular sammich. You score points for getting each ingredient, but then you must locate a “sammich-making spot” where someone will make you that sammich. You score mega-points for the finished sammich and then of course, you get to eat it.  The motto for this game is “Gotta eat them all”.  I love this game!

My first sammich was a basic turkey on rye.  I raced around and collected everything and then located the sammich-making spot. I burst through the doors and exclaimed “Make me a sammich!” just as my screen instructed.

I did notice the sign outside the room that said “AAF”. I assumed it had something to do with the American Air Force.  Regretfully, it stood for American Association of Feminists and these women were not inclined to make me my sammich. In fact, they became rather agitated at the request.  Fortunately, even though they were feminists, they still hit like girls.  Unfortunately, they didn’t throw like girls.  As I made my escape, they pelted me with all the stuff.  Sadly, I did not collect my mega-points on this one.

But then suddenly a delicious cheeseburger appeared on the screen.  I gathered everything and ran into the next sammich-making spot yelling “Cheeburga, cheeburga, cheeburga”, in my best John Belushi voice, just as it said on the screen. I thought that a Hindu temple was a strange place to do this, but I needed the points and getting lots of points playing this game is extremely important, right?

The Hindus didn’t react any better than the feminists, but they did hit harder, which I didn’t think Hindus were supposed to do. I ran out of there with no cheeburga, no chips and no bonus points.

This game was much more difficult than I ever imagined, as I failed with the veal cutlet sammich at the PETA office, the BLT at the Muslim hall and the ham sammich at the Jewish Center. I also failed to achieve a foot-long at the strip club. Although two of the ladies were eager to make me a sandwich without using any of stuff I brought. They claimed they would be the bread, if I tipped them well.

Since I was failing miserably at the sammich portion of the game, I decided to try to score points my acquiring, nookagoochi, a tangy sandwich spread, that when added to your sammich, earns you triple, yes I said triple, bonus points!  You get so many points for this because the game says “good nookagoochi is hard to find!” The spread comes in three flavors: Sweet, Spicy, and Hot.

The game app directed me to the local health club and indicated some nookagoochi was in the women’s locker room.  Normally I wouldn’t have gone in, but I think Obama said it was now okay, so I channeled my inner Caitlyn Jenner and confidently marched through the door. I startled a woman who looked like a Ronda Rousey wannabe. She asked me what I was doing and I answered “I’m looking for some sweet nookagoochi!”  She then threatening to do something to me that would allow me to use the women’s facilities on a permanent basis.  I was fairly certain that she did not hit like a girl, so I quickly ran to the lobby.

Unfortunately, the club manager had summoned the cops.  I explained to the policewoman that I was just playing Sammichmon Go. She was very understanding and released me with just a warning. Everything would have been fine except that when I walked outside my phone started buzzing and the screen indicated there was a large jar of nookagoochi only a few feet away!

“Officer, can you give me some of that hot nookagoochi in the back seat of your squad car?” I asked enthusiastically.  After a phone call to my attorneys, Duckem, Buckham and Fucarelli, and paying a fine, I was back in search of tangy nookagoochi.

The game app then sent me to the local convent and instructed me to ask, “Sisters, who here wants to give me some spicy nookagoochi?  The nuns explained that I must be mistaken, because there was no nookagoochi there.  They said they would pray for me. Well, prayers are nice, sisters, but they don’t score me any points, do they?  I need points, lots of points, because ah, um, well, I just do.

I also struck out at the gay bar. Okay, let me rephrase that. The app was wrong again, no nookagoochi in the whole place!

I was about to quit my search when my phone started buzzing again directing to a young woman on the corner who was obviously dressed for the summer heat.  She said should would be glad to provide some sweet nookagoochi, but I would have to pay for it.  I told her I thought she should give it to me for free. An argument ensued, and unfortunately that same policewoman appeared to restore order.

Now I’m sitting in jail and my attorney is not returning my calls.  I am strongly considering deleting the Sammichmon Go app from my phone.  I was trying to play this game, but I think the game may have been playing me instead.

Please buy my new humor book - Just Make Me A Sammich http://donake.net/just-make-me-a-sammich-book


1 comment:

  1. Now I'm resiting the temptation to go search for "Sammichmon Go"