Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Thursday, November 3, 2016

The Chicago Cubs Suck

I see many Cleveland Indians fans on social media congratulating the Chicago Cubs and their fans on the dramatic Game 7 victory in the World Series.  This is a great display of sportsmanship and I too would like to offer my acknowledgement.  I would also like to express my feeling that the Cubs suck.

Now it’s not that I am a sore loser or anything like that, but it is clearly obvious to even a novice baseball fan that the Cubs do suck. In fact, they suck bad.

Any reasonable baseball team would have realized when it was down three-games-to-one, that it should pack it in and let the Indians win the series.  But not these bastards. Nooooooooo, they just kept hitting, pitching, and playing stellar defense, until they end up winning the final three games.  This is just unacceptable baseball behavior.  It is uncouth, impolite and unfair and it is why the Cubs suck.

These vagrants kept playing so hard, that all our good players tired themselves out and could not play at the highest level in Game 7.  The Cubs even slowed down and let the Indians tie the game so they could totally exhaust them by playing extra innings.  That’s just plain mean and a further reason why the Cubs suck and suck big time.

And their pitchers are all jerks too!  Throwing all their fancy cutters and sliders on the corner of home plate repeatedly.  And our poor catcher can only hit fastballs, so these slobs throw him six curves in a row.  Are you serious? What is the sport in that?  I also think that there should be a speed limit on how fast a pitcher can throw.  If it works on the highways, it should work on the diamond.  Boy, do the Cubs ever suck. Suck big time.

And don’t give me this crap about not winning the World Series since 1908. The Indians last won the series in 1948 and I wasn’t even born yet, so there is absolutely no difference between those years to me. It could have been 1808 as far as I’m concerned, which coincidentally was the first year the Indians won the series. I watched Jose Mesa blow the save in Game 7 in 1997 and at this rate I will never see the Indians win a World Series, so I have to say, the Cubs suck.  Yes, you do, you suck.

I don’t mean to be a poor sport about this, but the Cubs suck. And all the Cubs fans suck, except for my friend Jimmy C, he’s okay, but the rest of you Cub fans suck, because the Cubs suck.

And the World Series umpires, all six of them, suck.  The replay officials suck. Wrigley Field sucks. Bill Murray, when he is cheering for the Cubs, sucks. Joe Buck sucks, of course you already knew that. And John Smoltz, the commentators, and the cameramen, all suck.  Not that I am bitter or anything like that, I’m just saying what needs to be said.

So enjoy your trophy and parade Chicago, although I bet the parade is going to suck. You may be World Series champions but you are very sucky ones at that.  My final comment, the Cubs suck.


  1. Awwwwwww, it'll be OK. Nope, the parade didn't suck:


  2. Homer feels your pain https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4L02qm-CxlM

  3. I thought that Buck and Smoltz were cheering for Cleveland, especially when, late in game 7, they put up the chronological list of Cubs implosions.

  4. i don't have a dog in this hunt so ok ... cubs suck!