The Sordid Truth About Yoga

The yoga craze continues in the United States with new classes and groups popping up all over the place. Yoga began over 5,000 years ago in India. They don’t know exactly who invented it. However, although most of practicioners today are women, I am most certain it was originally developed by a man.

This is because yoga is, and always has been, one huge fraud. A fraud that has persisted for 5,000 years until now. That’s right, I’m calling Shenanigans! Major shenanigans, on this practice. Forget the lies about yoga being a method of relaxation, spirituality, exercise, destressing, mind-clearing, blah, blah, blah. The truth is, yoga was developed by this guy, or guys, for one reason and one reason only: To get women in the mood for sex.

Getting women “in the mood” has been a challenge for men since the beginning of time. Men are always in the mood, but their equipment isn’t always functional. Women’s equipment is always functional (well, almost always), but they are frequently not in the mood. This is all part of God’s design. If men’s equipment was always functional and women were always in the mood, mankind never would have advanced, and Earth would have been rapidly overpopulated. “Grog now going to work lots on inventing wheel today and – Whoa! First, me get me some of dat!”

And the problem for men is that so many things can interfere with a woman’s mood. For example, her best friend Karen’s mother may be ill and she gets so worried about what might happen. She is so upset, she can’t even think about romance. A guy dismisses these thoughts easily: “Hey, you’re not a doctor, so you can’t really do anything, can you? So yeah, she may die.”  He certainly isn’t going to think about Karen during sex, unless of course, she is smokin’ hot – er let's forget I said anything about that. But a woman’s mind is so vast and complex, there are almost an endless number of worries and stresses that can prevent those love juices from flowing.

Those ancient Indian guys realized this and came up with a way to get women totally relaxed and to empty their heads of all those inconvenient worries. And these guys were pure geniuses, because they combined this mental factor with the women getting all stretched out and limbered up, so they could then bend their bodies in a vast variety of physical positions – can anyone say Kama Sutra? This is just like foreplay before the foreplay.

After doing yoga, a woman is stress free, relaxed, with a clear mind.  In addition, all her essential female parts have been stretched out, primed, and limbered up.  All a guy has to do is show up, and shut up, and bada-bing, bada-boom! If you question the effectiveness of yoga, Indians + frequent sex =1.36 billion people.

Another connection between yoga and sex is that yoga has many different poses with catchy names, and sex can be done in many “labeled” positions (first identified by Indians, I might add) And my extensive research has found that some of these poses/positions are in fact the same. Okay, I actually didn’t try any of these. Full disclosure, okay so I did ask this babelicious Indian woman to assist in my research, but she slapped my face. No, I learned of these similarities on the Internet from an article titled: 10 Yoga Poses That Double as Sex Positions (Not making this up).

The first one in this article is called the “Plow Pose”. (I had to stop typing here to laugh). Yeah, I think if ladies strike this pose, there may be some plowin’

The infamous "Plow Pose"

about to happen. And the third one listed is the popular “Downward Dog”. The article states “Downward Dog allows for stimulation of the sensitive front vaginal wall”.

(Well of course it does! That’s all I need to prove my argument. I could stop writing this post right now, but I’m having too much fun)

Of course, the Downward Dog pose is also known in the mammal kingdom as the “Bitch in Heat” (and obviously I am using the term bitch purely in its caninical form). When a female, of any species, assumes this position, it says: “I’m extremely horny, please do me now, big boy!”  So guys, if your wife asks you to be her yoga spotter at home, gladly accept and tell her you want to teach her the Meshaftensidu pose.

And this raises an important question: Should a guy do yoga? Until I discovered the link between sex and yoga, the answer was an unequivocal “No”. But then I noticed my very average-looking friend Andy, posting photos of him with his gorgeous yoga mates after class. Therefore, if you are a single guy, hanging out and stretching with some women wearing yoga pants is not a bad way to kill some time. And after class, these women are relaxed, and limber, with very clear minds. Maybe you can offer to help a female classmate perfect her “Plow Pose”.  If you are a married guy, attending yoga classes with your wife is permissible, provided that soon after returning home you engage in some very tantric lovemaking, involving contortions that would not otherwise be attainable. If you are not getting any right after class, just stay home and watch the game.

Otherwise, I do not advocate yoga at all.  It is discriminatory against fat people, who are unable to bend their bodies into a pretzel. I know they encourage fat people to do yoga. But trust me, when your downward dog tips over, they aren’t laughing with you, they are so much laughing at you.  It is also discriminatory against old people. Old people can try to do yoga, but you risk being rushed to the emergency room where a team of medical professionals will attempt to untangle you before you die.  I feel like I’ve been doing yoga when I try to remove myself from my easy chair after siting too long.  It is the “Downward Butt” pose, and I’m a master of it!

And yoga for non-sexual purposes is extremely boring. That’s why they have to invent all these stupid types of yoga. These include Hot (Bikram) Yoga, done in a room with temperatures up to 108 degrees and Naked Yoga, just in case regular yoga is not sexually stimulating enough. The most ridiculous type is Goat Yoga, where they unleash a herd of goats to roam around the room as you do yoga poses. I believe this is insane, and also dangerous. Goats are frisky and unpredictable. There is absolutely no chance I’m going to bend over with my naughty bits in a vulnerable position, with a herd of naughty goats wandering around. A nuzzle is traumatic, a nibble excruciating.

Therefore, I think yoga is a total fraud that needs to be exposed. You will never see me in any yoga class, ever. However, yoga pants are a different thing entirely. I consider yoga pants one of the greatest inventions of this century.

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