Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, November 25, 2019

Game 5 of the World Series Was A Real Bust

This year’s World Series was historic. Yes, the visiting team won all seven games, but another first-time occurrence topped even that. At the start of the middle of the seventh inning in Game 5, Houston Astros pitcher Gerrit Cole looked in to his catcher to flash him a sign. And he got flashed alright, by three young women behind home plate, who lifted their tops and exposed their
Cole reacting to a strike out - not the boobies

Cole was expecting to see up to five fingers. Instead, he was presented with six boobies. And these weren’t just any boobies. They were professional boobies, from three models who work for an online magazine that specializes in displaying attractive women with large, bare boobies.

Because modern baseball is all about statistics and metrics, it is important to know just what Cole was up against. The three women flashers consisted of Julia (38-24-36), Kayla (36-23-34), and Lauren (38-24-34).  In baseball, this is known as bringing some serious heat. Julia’s stats may have been padded by the use of a foreign substance. Regardless, you don’t get many of those to a pound. But regarding Lauren, based on my Internet research (which was extensive for this post), they’re real, and they’re spectacular.

If they were attempting to distract Cole, they brought out the big guns. They didn’t send a girl to do a woman’s job. They didn’t bring a knife to a gunfight; they brought bazookas. These were weapons of mass distraction. But they didn’t bare their breasts to fluster the pitcher. The intent was to promote their web-based magazine, which mainly consists of the three ladies and a couple more models displaying their boobies each month. All three women were on the cover of the July edition, which also features an article titled “A Guide to Doggy Style”. So, what the women were actually doing is handing out, more like boobing out, free samples at the baseball game, which marketers have been doing for years.

You would not expect Gerrit Cole, arguably the best pitcher in baseball this season, to be impacted by this most titillating stunt. He is a professional. However, he is still a guy, so getting so bodaciously violated did have an impact. He had pitched a shutout up to that point, but trouble soon began. The first batter in the seventh flew out to deep left, but the second batter crushed a fastball 383 feet into the left-field seats. Fortunately, he was able to regain his composure and get the next batters out, although he did issue one walk. 

And it’s a good thing he got out of the inning because the person most upset about the flashing incident was Gerrit’s wife, Amy. Wives tend to get upset when other women flash their boobies at their man. Now Amy is certified babelicious, as you expect of the wife of a professional athlete, but her artillery is of a slightly lower caliber. And I’m sure she wasn’t happy that her husband gave up that home run after being exposed to the sextuplets. Yeah, I think that night Gerrit had some splainin’ to do about that homer.

Now the ladies flash-mob ignited a huge debate on social media about whether the women were justified or not, and what penalty they should receive. Many argued they should not be penalized because they were just exercising their First Amendment right of freedom of expression. Just to be clear, they were only expressing their rights, and nothing else.

This reminded me of the incident in 2017 when radio talk show host Clay Travis declared on a CNN discussion dealing with free-speech: “I only believe in two things completely, the First Amendment and boobs”.  The female host was shocked and offended, wait I mean SHOCKED and OFFENDED, at this statement. This resulted in a Twitter-storm castigating Travis as a sexist, wait I mean SEXIST, SEXIST, moron.

Now my belief system is a bit more spiritual and broader than Travis’, and his statement is rather crude, but this is America, and if you want to believe in the First Amendment and boobs, and declare it proudly, I will support and defend your right to do so. 

And this politically-correct umbrage at Travis was hyper-hypocritical because lots of people believe in boobs. It is estimated over 3-million women have breast implants; 300,000 procedures being done in 2012. They certainly believe in boobs. Victoria Secrets and the hundreds of companies selling thousands of bra styles believe in boobs. Bikini-babes on the beach believe in boobs. Millions of women displaying cleavage, some even doing this in church, to some degree believe in boobs. Apparently 10,000 women on Instagram believe in boobs. And a bunch of people in the adult-entertainment business believe in boobs in a big way. America is the land of opportunity and the land of boobs.

Julia, Kayla, and Lauren all believe in boobs and have demonstrated this conviction in a most magnanimous act. The penalty handed down by Major League Baseball is that the ladies are banned from every major league baseball stadium for life. This minor punishment is justified if you view the women as young entrepreneurs who were just trying to promote their business that best way they could.

However, I do feel a stiffer penalty is needed. They purposely disrupted a World Series game, and they did it in a most aggressive way. It’s not like they robbed a store with a squirt gun; they brought their howitzers. And they were loaded, oh how they were loaded. And they need to be punished to deter behavior of this type at future games. If you permit these actions, the next “shot heard round the world” in baseball may be of the beaver variety. So, at the minimum, I think they all should have been charged with melonious assault.

But I am a compassionate man. If Julia, Kayla, and Lauren are indeed huge baseball fans and will suffer due to the stadium ban, I have a big-screen television in my man-cave, and they are welcome to come over and watch the game any time they want.

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