Despite the pandemic, I decided to make my annual Christmas shopping excursion to the mall. So, I put on my turkey mask (yes, it’s real) and ventured out. I was concerned there would not be interesting things to see this year, but I was wrong.
Candle Crazy
Unfortunately, I happened to pick the day of “Huge Candle
Sale” at the “bath soap and body lotion” store. But I didn’t think many people
would risk their lives for cheap candles, but I was wrong – so wrong. They were
limiting the number of people within the small store, so there was a staging
area with 30 socially distanced people waiting outside the store and another 20
people in a second waiting area about 50 feet down the concourse. This means I
would have waited an hour just to get in, and I wasn’t even shopping for
candles. I decided to stroll on by.
Over-Priced Sweaters
I went into the fancy-smancy department store. I’m not
going to buy anything. I’m just looking for what’s trendy this year. I see this
nice display of $150 sweaters. But what guy is going to spend $150 on a
sweater? The answer is “none”. But women will. Put a high-price tag on anything,
and it perks up some of the female species. It is the equivalent of product
porn. Women know they shouldn’t buy it, but many can’t resist it. There ought
to be a law against it, but the stores and credit card companies would go broke
if there were. And this year, there is nowhere to impress people with your $150
sweater anyhow.
Blatant Discrimination
The department store already knows that men aren’t going to
buy anything here. I came to this realization when I was in the store and had to
take a whizz. However, even though there were two “women’s restrooms
prominently marked, there was no sign of a “men’s room” anywhere. They do not want
men hanging around their store, talking women out of ridiculous $150 sweater purchases,
and using their restrooms. Alright, this is probably because men are much
messier than women and are more prone to “stink up” the place. And this can
cause problems ….
Woman at the fragrance counter about to
purchase some $500/oz “watair du tolay”:
“Oh I just adore the subtle fruitiness of this
scent. But whoa! What is that stench?”
Clerk: “I’m sorry. Some guy has found the
restroom again. We took down all the signs, but sometimes they find it anyway.”
Woman: “Eww! I can’t buy this “watair du tolay”
while being overpowered by “stench day toilet”. I have to leave now.”
It’s a good thing I didn’t have to whizz badly because the
facilities are well hidden. Probably back in a dark corner, where a desperate
guy might try to whizz he had to. “Oh look, there it is.”
I know I could have asked one of the clerks, but I fear it
could be embarrassing.
Me: “Could you please direct me to the men’s room?”
Clerk: “There is one way back over there. But you are not
planning to stink up the place, are you?”
Me: “Thanks, I’ll just be leaving now.”
More Bathroom Issues
Fortunately, I made it over to the main mall restroom just
in time. But I was surprised to find that several urinals were out of order, making
social distancing more difficult. To provide the acceptable man-distance, I had
to use kiddie urinal, which is lower to the floor. Because I am tall, sometimes
when I must use the kiddie whizzer, the guy at the urinal next to me will make
some smart-ass comment about it being a long shot. When this happens, I stare
straight ahead and in the most serious tone possible reply, “I can use the
extra space”.
Worst Christmas Ornament Ever
At two stores (and also on the web), I saw overpriced ($12)
tree ornaments with messages: “2020 – the year we quarantined” or pithy sayings
to that effect. (There was even one on the Internet designed to look like a
coronavirus). Why would you hang something on your tree that reminds you of how
awful this Christmas is? Are you a moron, or a sadist? Maybe just a moronic
sadist. Pick one. And the other reason you buy a dated ornament is to relive
warm memories of that year for many future Christmases when they are hanging on
your tree. No one will have any warm
memories of 2020 unless they are running a fever. If you choose to hang the
2020 ornament on your tree next year, you need a mental evaluation. All these ornaments
deserve to be burned in hades.
Baby It’s Cold Inside
I was visiting the second fancy-smancy department store when I turned the corner and thought I saw a young woman wearing this tight, little crop top, with no bra. Her large nipples were stretching out the thin fabric. Only it wasn’t a woman; it was a mannequin. Apparently, enhanced-nipple mannequins are a thing. I would have taken a pic, but I wouldn’t want anyone to think I was weird (here’s a pic from the web). However, if I knew I was going to write about it, I would have flagged down a store clerk and pointed (ha) out that they had
neglected to put a bra on the mannequin, just to see her reaction.
Regardless, this is wrong on so many counts. It is false,
or maybe falsie advertising. You do not see points that big except in an NBA
All-Star game. And even if the woman is exceptionally nipped, unless you remain
in temperatures around negative-20 degrees, you ain’t matching, nor maintaining
the firmness exuded by that mannequin. It’s also a horrible model for young women.
That mannequin looks so slutty that you know it wouldn’t take much to get her
to spread her legs – well, if she had legs, that is.
And it’s also the wrong image to send to young men. As I
stood there, a man and his son walked past. The boy looked at the mannequin …
“Hey dad, can I get a girl like that for Christmas?” he
asked hopefully.
“No, Ralphie, she’ll shoot your eye out,” his father warned.
My Last Purchase
I did end up buying three candles at another store in the
mall. There was no waiting, and candles are candles, right? They are made of
stuff that melts. They have a wick; you light ‘em, they burn. Been that way for
5,000 years. And the one I bought for my wife smells like the beach. We didn’t
get to go to the beach much in 2020, so my wife can experience the beach
without leaving the house, which means I just saved thousands of dollars. So, such a deal!
Happy New Year to you all!
