This Women’s Sports League is a Bust

Several months ago, I was channel surfing through the sports offerings when I accidentally clicked on a women's soccer match. I chuckled to myself because I find both soccer and women's sports excruciatingly dull, and combining the two is mind-numbing. I smiled as I clicked on to the next channel, wistfully asking myself what it would take for me to actually watch women's soccer.

Of course, it took my man-brain only a second to answer that question. "You would watch a match if the women were topless," it said. I nearly laughed out loud at that thought. The concept was funny and bizarre; thus, I considered it for a future Ake's Pains blog post.

But I immediately rejected it because it is crude, outrageous, and excessively sexist. I have a lot of women readers, and it just seemed over-the-top and too much guy locker-room talk. Yes, believe it or not, I do have standards, and this topic did not meet them.

But Don, why are you now writing about this subject now, if it is so taboo?

We Live in a Crazy World

I almost wish I had written about the topic back then because I would have been considered a visionary. We live in a wacky, messed up world, where bizarre stuff seems to happen constantly, such as …..

In May, former sports reporter Holly Sonders launched the Topless Sports League featuring “the most beautiful women you’ve ever seen”. In the words of Dave Barry, “I’m not making this up.”

The Xposed Sportz league will feature Instagram and OnlyFans models competing in basketball, bowling, tennis, ping pong, jump rope, chess, billiards, and that immensely popular sport, Twister.

The women will be "sweaty and oiled up," competing wearing "little-to-no clothing and bikinis." So, yes, this league is topless, crude, outrageous, and excessively sexist, but now it’s a thing, or maybe more appropriately, two things. And the sexism is mollified somewhat because the CEO is a woman, and nobody is forcing the woman to shed their jerseys before the competition.

Breaking Down This New League

Well, because I'm a sports fan and had the idea first, I am compelled to speculate, not fantasize, I assure you, but speculate, on how these sports might operate in the new league.

Jump Rope

I’ve never watched competitive jump rope, but I assume it is a contest based on speed. If so, it will be the most dangerous of the league’s sports. Protective goggles are a must and an on-site, medical crew, similar to those at boxing matches, will be necessary when a competitor knocks herself out. And slow-motion replays are a must.

Billiards

There’s limited motion here, but there is a lot of leaning and bending which could hold viewers’ interest. Announcers will have to refrain from using the term “nice rack” because it will be blatantly obvious and redundant.  

Basketball

The rules must be modified to eliminate “double-dribble” violations because, let's face it, every dribble will be a double dribble. And all the referees must be female because it will be impossible for a male to focus on the game with 20 boobies bouncing up and down the court.

Tennis

Lots of running and bouncing will make this a popular league sport. However, the silicone-enhanced ladies have an advantage here because their “cores” are much more stable. Better have some of those medics from jump roping ready in case one of the natural players rips a backhand and gets smacked on the follow-through.

Bowling

There is sufficient motion to keep the viewers’ interested. And oh, those celebrations when they roll a strike! And no need for any reracks – we got all the racks we need. 

Ping Pong

It might be the most popular league sport because of all the quick motion in a confined space. Doubles, or in this case quads, add to the action. 

Chess

This is the weirdest choice. Let's rename it Ches(t). But this one allows

participation by more mature ladies, provided they can bring some big bishops to the table. And let's use an over-sized table in case those bishops need a resting place. In this case, the trophies are placed on the table before the match starts. 

Twister

Give them credit for figuring out how to make Twister an exciting spectator sport. I would spice it up even more by remaking it as "Titty Twister" and allowing the ladies to tweak their opponents at any time to win the match. Oh, and no need to pay the male refs to officiate.

Final Thoughts

Give Xposed Sportz credit for figuring out how to keep penis-wielding femme fakales out of their women’s league. Because, by going topless, players that don’t belong are going to fall flat.

Finally, soccer was not included. I guess soccer is so boring guys won't even watch women play it topless. Perhaps, if the shorts were also gone … Oh no, way, way, too sexist, I hope they don’t see this post. Let’s forget I said anything about this …….