The Last Big Diet – Part 1

I recently embarked on what I refer to as ‘My Last Big Diet’. After years of yo-yo dieting, I hit close to my all-time weight and must shed, or more appropriately shred, significant poundage, or I will die a fat man. 

And I believe that a fat man will die sooner than a thin ... , oh I mean, a not-so-fat man. I remember my friend and former co-worker, Fat Jerry. We all would marvel at the immense portions Jerry would consume at company functions. Fat Jerry would just retort with a huge grin, "It's all good! They're just going to have to get some more pallbearers!" We would all then laugh hysterically and resume eating. But nobody laughed when Fat Jerry's heart gave out at age 64. I hope they were able to find enough pallbearers to lift that casket. 

I blame part of my weight problem on COVID. I was in the midst of a highly successful diet when the virus hit. I speculate the COVID weight gain for many people resulted from the survival instinct we are born with. Your brain is telling your appetite: "You don't know when you will be able to eat again. The virus may kill everyone working at the grocery store, and you may die if you go outside. So, you need to eat mass quantities of anything and everything you can at every chance."

Using this strategy, I am glad to report I survived the virus. I did not starve! However, I gained 28, yes 28 pounds in 2020 after the pandemic began. So, I started a new diet at the beginning of this year. It had just begun when I came down with influenza. After recovering and eating heartily to rebuild my strength, I got sick for a week with a stomach virus. I bounced back just a few weeks before vacation, and this diet was over almost before it began.

The Last Big Diet

So, on September 1, it began. I won’t publicly detail my diet because I’m not a nutritionist. I will say I am counting calories, and unfortunately for me, I don’t get to count above 1,500. Sometimes, it feels as if all the grocers did die of COVID, and the only food available is a can of beans I bought at the warehouse club.

Unfortunately, when Facebook finds out you are on a diet, you are bombarded with every modern diet program known to man. There’s paleo, keto, groucho, harpo, and chico. You are supposed to eat fat or not eat fat. To eat carbs or not eat carbs. To consume any of the 20 magical meal-replacement shakes or rely on one of the traditional programs. But you can’t try Jenny Craig because she died right after COVID, and her followers were so hungry at that point, they consumed the body. I, however, was not impressed with any of these pitches and stuck to my original plan.   

But I Couldn’t Resist This One

In addition to the diets, there were ads for all types of devices, all promising to magically dissolve your extra pounds. I dismissed every one of them as hoaxes, except one. I started reading the ads for men’s compression shirts. The shirts are made of thicker spandex material, and the ads claimed that by wearing the shirts, you would burn more calories and effortlessly lose weight. Well, I didn’t believe the hype and decided they were a waste of money until one ad said that in addition to helping you lose weight, the shirt would “flatten your moobs”. Moobs is the new acceptable term, replacing "man boobs" and the ridiculous "chesticles".

But flatten my moobs? Now you’ve got my attention. Overweight men tend to develop those unsightly and embarrassing moobs. Now, I don’t have moobs like Jagger. Jagger, being Fred Jagger, a retired custodian so chesty that he makes high school girls jealous. But if you can flatten my moobs, I’m in.

Surprisingly, there were many different brands of compression shirts. I chose a black, mid-priced one. The first time I wore the shirt, I was impressed by how it pushed my excess weight together, improving my shape. Then the light went on! This is why women wear girdles. I always thought girdles were funny, but now I get it. I feel you, girlfriends! What I had purchased was a male girdle – or a mirdle. In discussing the subject with some female friends, they pointed out that the term girdle has been replaced by Spanx. I find the Spanx term too provocative. Because a woman is wearing Spanx leggings and makes the mistake of telling me, I consider that an open invitation to … uh … well -- I have been known to get slap-happy.

And the shirt was successful in flattening my moobs! However, initially, the tight fabric irritated my nipples, excuse me, my mipples, which could have the opposite effect of drawing attention to my chest. Although, I have no idea if women even notice mipples, let alone get excited by them.

Putting the shirt on after showering is challenging because your skin is moist. It took me almost ten minutes of intense struggle to get wrapped in the shirt the first time. I was out of breath and sweating by the end, which I wondered if that is part of the shirt’s fat-burning mechanism that they neglect to mention in the ad. So, putting on a mirdle can be a struggle – so once again, I feel for you, girlfriend, I feel for ya! If there were a TikTok video of me putting on that shirt after the shower, “Fat Man Puts on Mirdle” would have gone viral around the globe.

But I do like my mirdle. I wear it on occasions where I want to look my best. My mipples are now used to it, and I am getting better at applying the shirt after a shower. And it does motivate me to keep losing weight because it shows what I could look like if I could just stay on the diet.