Do Not Send Me Any More Video Clips

 Friends send me too many Internet videos. And by too many, I mean any. Because, sadly, I don’t watch any of them. I also use the term “friend” loosely because some of these videos are sent by people I have no other contact with whatsoever.

Yet, every day on Facebook Messenger, Instagram, text, or whatever, here are all these videos with the preview picture and headline beckoning me to click the link. I decline to because I just don’t have the time. If I clicked every link, in addition to the standard clickbait on my homepage, I would spend the entire day staring at my screen, entertained by entirely worthless videos.

Some of these videos are of a political nature, showing some snarky politician “sticking” it to the other side. But that’s what’s wrong with the nation today. The politicians are all interested in sticking it to their opponents instead of sticking to an agenda that benefits the country. By forwarding the video, I assume people get a vicarious thrill that they are now sticking it to “those fools” as well. And to those people who post daily about how upset they are at what some loudmouth occupant of the White House says - this makes you look weak and petty. If words from someone you don’t know anger you so much, I suggest you mute yourself on all news reports. You will feel better about life, and so will everyone because we won’t be exposed to your constant bitching. It’s a win-win!

The videos featuring women with enormous breasts are also of no interest to me. Now that I am older and wiser, I do not fall for the trap of fake breasts. They are decoys that women use to deceive men. Hunters will place decoys and laugh at how stupid animals are fooled by them, and then go all googly-eyed at a woman sporting her large decoys on her chest. These are hi-tech falsies. They are fake, meaning NOT REAL. You would reject fake currency and all other fake items, but not fake hooters! Would you accept fake melons made of silicone at the store? So why here? All they have done is hide some silicone in strategic areas. Guys, would you get excited if someone hid lumps of silicone under your bed? No, you would find it bizarre and annoying …. so, it’s just well-placed silicone.

And this boob chicanery causes problems for older guys engaged in intimate activities. These fake melons serve as literal speed bumps, delaying arrival at the desired destination. An old guy doesn’t have time to explore the entire park. He needs to get to the main attraction with minimal detours and distractions. In addition, fake breasts present a safety risk. Guys, especially less nimble older guys, need to be careful because, as Ralphie in A Christmas Story was warned: “They’ll put your eye out!” Therefore, the enormous breast videos hold no interest for me. Please note: To my lady friends who have had reasonable breast augmentation surgery, I just want to say: You look mahvelous, darlings, every one of you. And my previous statements do not apply to you in any way, shape, or form – especially form.     

Then come the stupid cat videos. How many videos does it take to prove cats are stupid? Once you realize that, all the videos are just stupid videos – sent by seemingly stupid people. And aren't these videos disrespectful to cats? Cats may be stupid, but they can’t help it, can they? These videos are mean-spirited and defame all cats. I believe the cats need to get themselves an aggressive attorney and sue – Tim Misny, perhaps? Somebody needs to pay for these aberrations. Once the cats win their lawsuit, they can roll around in very expensive, very potent catnip, which will make a great video, which I will send to, uh, well, no one. But this particular video will still be great. 

I get videos on life hacks, investing, interviews with psychos, talking comic strips, and monkeys smoking pot – No, no, no, no, no. Now, I do watch videos with a direct connection to me and my books, but those are few.

I have asked some people not to send me videos, but they typically ignore the request. It’s just like telling a junkie to lay off the crack. There are those awkward moments when I will run into someone in person, and they will enthusiastically ask, “Did you get that video I sent you?”  “Yes, I just haven’t had the chance to open it.”, in reply. And by this, I mean I will never have the chance to open it. It will sit quietly in my inbox and wait for me like an unrequited lover forever, and ever, and ever.