Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

So You Want To Be A Dairy Princess

Recently while vacationing in central Pennsylvania I read a local newspaper article that made reference to the county “Dairy Princess”.  Since this is big dairy country, I surmised that being Dairy Princess is a great honor.  Because my mind never goes on vacation, I wondered what the qualifications for becoming a Dairy Princess are.

The one requirement evident from the article is the Dairy Princess must own a cow.  This makes sense, if you’re going to represent dairy farmers and promote “Mother Nature’s most perfect food, milk” (Stick it you vegans!), then it helps to have some hide in the game.  This also eliminates them city slicker girls with them fake nails who might just want to be Dairy Princess to pad their resume.

I’m sure there is some academic requirement and prospects probably have to write a lame essay espousing the wonders of milk.  A committee evaluates all of this and then selects the winner.  I bet even in farm country politics and favoritism affects the selection.

However if the purpose of the Dairy Princess is to promote milk, I think you can simplify the selection by focusing in on just one factor.  I would choose the applicant with the biggest milk jugs.

I realize that this may seem sexist in the new millennium and this factor is already an unwritten rule by many male hiring managers in business, but it is a legitimate attribute for this job.  When people meet the Dairy Princess, you want them to have a positive opinion of milk and nothing does it better than huge milk jugs.

You want your Dairy Princess to enthusiastically promote milk.  You want her to radiate milk.  You want to exude milk.  You don’t want her to actually express milk, but it helps if she looks like she could if she had to.

I want a Dairy Princess who shops in the women’s section.  If she’s still in training, she’s not ready for prime time.   This is the mountain country of Pennsylvania so you want a mountain woman and a woman who has mountain flair. It would be udderly ridiculous to choose a Dairy Princess from the flatlands.  You need milk jugs, not milk cups.

I know this would be a radical change from the current selection process, but something tells me that problems recruiting dairy farmers for the selection committee would be a thing of the past.  No more reading boring essays.  I don’t care if the Dairy Princess is as dumb as dirt.  If you want to carry the message of milky goodness, then you need to be able to show some yourself.

Of course each contestant would need a certificate of authenticity.  Milk is a natural, wholesome, food and the Dairy Princess should have similar traits.

If your Dairy Princess carries some large milk jugs, attendance is sure to increase at all her appearances -- and that is whole point, isn’t it?  Of course all Dairy Princess outfits would need to be approved by someone.  You don’t want the dairy Princess to “bust a move” (or move a bust) at the monthly Osterburg dairy farmers meeting.  And you don’t ever want this headline: “Dairy Princess Jugs Spill Out at the County Fair – Calamity Ensues. – Local firemen able to control the overflow”.

When it comes to dairy farming it’s all about the teats and filling up your jugs.  You should expect nothing less from your Dairy Princess.

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