Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, April 2, 2012

Billie Jean’s Not My Problem

Recently I received a very disturbing phone call on my answering machine.  It was from a very despondent, young woman who was almost to the point of tears apparently because I would not pay for her birth control pills.

This in turn was very alarming to me because in the words of Bill Clinton: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman”.  Whoops, bad example. But honestly, I am not stuffin’ that muffin.

She sure was upset though, maybe she had the wrong number.  Maybe she heard the rumors about me and Snookie and is trying to cash in (Snookie).   But I don’t know her; never met her and we are not dating.  I will henceforth refer to her as Billie Jean.  Because Billy Jean’s not my lover, she just a girl that claims that I owe her some.

Rest assured that if Billy Jean was my paramour, I would pay for her birth control pills.  This is very rational.  No married man wants to turn his chicky-babe into a chicky-mama.  Oh no, I would buy the pills and not just cheap generics.  It would be high-quality, name brand stuff.  And it certainly wouldn’t be the brand they sell at Wal-Mart with the Flintstones on the bottle.  That brand has a photo of Wilma sporting a baby-bump with a circle-slash over it.

But as I said before, I am not involved in any dalliances with Billie Jean, Snookie or any other woman.  Heck, I am not even sleeping with a Kardashian.  I know that is difficult to believe and it puts me in the minority.  I’m sure I could if I wanted, but I am just too busy to do it.  I sure do hope that the Kardashians use high-quality contraceptives, because the last thing this world needs is more Kardashians.

Instead of calling me, I believe that Billie Jean should talk to her boyfriend and get him to pay for her pills.   Guys who refuse to do this are stupid and irresponsible. It’s just like at the amusement park where you have to buy a ticket to get on the ride.  The ticket helps pay for a safe, pleasant experience, without any unplanned consequences. They want you to stay happy even after you get off and go home.

Billie Jean told me that I should immediately call my congressman to help her get her contraceptives.   I have no idea why.  I really need to keep this thing on the down lowet and don’t want to involve the government.  I have heard that many politicians do have sex with younger women.  Billie Jean, if you are having sex with the congressman, then by all means, he should be buying the pills.  This is standard procedure.  I’m sure Bill Clinton has paid for more birth control than a small free clinic.  If you are calling to set up a threesome with the congressman, I am not into “that” as I think I made perfectly clear in a previous blog post (Comedy Club).

She also suggested that I call Rush Limbaugh and complain to him.  This is ridiculous.  Under no means am I going to discuss this on the radio before millions of listeners.  I am also not going to contact my bishop like she asked.  I don’t even have a bishop unless I am playing chess and I tend to lose those pieces first.  I am not going to tell any clergyman that a young woman is upset with me because I won’t buy her contraceptives lest he think that Billie Jean is my lover.

So if you are reading this Billie Jean, please, please, no more phone calls.  I do not want to explain to my wife why young women keep calling me about providing birth control pills for them. I don’t want to dance, or moonwalk, around this anymore.  And Snookie, please stop calling also.  It’s over; it’s time to move on.    

Billie Jean is not my lover
She's just a girl who claims that I owe her some
But the bill is not mine, son

1 comment:

  1. a man is known only by the company he keeps!!!so apparently you`ve been busy!!!!