Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, April 16, 2012

Warning: Do Not Hold the Wrong End of the Chainsaw

A few days ago on my “Dumbest Things Every Said” daily calendar was this listing from a product warning label: “Warning: Do Not Hold the Wrong End of the Chainsaw”.  Yes, that is very dumb and it did cause me to chuckle. 

But then I started to think about those times in life that I held the wrong end of the chainsaw.  The situations when you think you are winning, but you are really losing.  When it looks as if everything is working out, but it’s really falling apart.  Of course you have no clue that you are holding the wrong end of the chainsaw.  You grasp it firmly until suddenly someone fires up the chainsaw with disastrous consequences.  That’s when life hurts really badly and you never knew what hit you.

Situations such as:

·       Finding out your wife is having an affair with: 

A.     Her Boss

B.     Your Business Partner

C.     Another Woman

D.     Your Priest

I have had friends and associates who have experienced all of the above.  All these guys were holding the wrong end of the chainsaw but never knew it.

 I had a friend who was part of a four-person finance department consisting of a male boss, two female co-workers and himself.  Even though he got along well with his boss and did superior work, he could never understand why he never got the choice assignments nor received adequate raises.  It was only after he left the job in frustration that he found out that the boss was sleeping with both women.  Every day at work he was “holding the wrong end of the chainsaw.”

It would be so much easier if life came with warning labels. 

Labels such as:

· “Warning: If You Eat This Left Over Chinese Food, You Will Get Food Poisoning” (Could have really used this one two years ago)

· “Warning: This guy seems wonderful, but he break your heart and grind it to dust”

· “Warning:  This great job offer includes free admission to ‘Corporate Hell’ ” 

And this brings me to the main topic of this blog post. Recently there was a big controversy because Jenna Talackova wanted to compete in the Miss Canada beauty pageant.  The problem is that TaLACKova did lack something.  That being a second “X” chromosome.  Contestants are supposed to be “naturally born females”, but Jenna used to be known as “Walter”.

Now you might think that Jenna would not have a chance in this contest until you see Jenna.  Dude just doesn’t look like a lady.  Dude looks like a smoking-hot beauty queen.  More importantly, remember Jenna is competing against Canadian women for Miss (or maybe now near-Miss) Canada.  Canadian women have evolved to provide warmth and comfort during cold Canadian nights and to clean fish and dress moose during the day.  This natural “ruggedness” provides great domestic benefits but not much success in beauty pageants.

This is all so weird because in most these cases (like athletics) there is a concern that a transgender has unfair “manly” advantages, but in this case Jenna may have unfair “womanly” advantages.  Jenna had hormone therapy at age 14 and then “Gender Reassignment Surgery” by what has to be the Michelangelo of this craft, because he produced a stunning piece of a, piece of a, piece of art.  I guess the female contestants could also have had “work” done.  I don’t know what the rules are here, but if Donald Trump wants to hire me as an apprentice to examine the contestants for authenticity, I am ready to serve. 

But my main concern is the guys that may encounter Jenna at a bar, a party, or wherever.  Yeah, they are going to be hitting on that.  And they are going to grabbing at many things, including the wrong end of the chainsaw.  So I think Jenna should be required to wear a warning label.  It doesn’t have to be visible to everyone, but should be strategically placed so that anyone who ventures there is clearly aware of what he is getting into.


1 comment:

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