Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, July 2, 2012

Our Freedom Is Busting Out All Over

It is always inspirational when someone aspires to achieve greatness.  So we should all be lifted up by the story of Paula Simonds who wants to have the greatest (read largest) breasts in the world. (according to a report by the dailymail.com).

Most people who strive to attain greatness must train, strain and work very hard to achieve their goal.  But Paula (stage name Lacey Wildd) will not need to do any of that (you knew she wouldn’t be jumping rope or doing jumping jacks).  No, to live her dream, Paula will have to undergo her 13th augmentation surgery to pump up her L-cup breasts to Triple-M (gives a whole new meaning to the term “Mm, Mm, good!”).
This raises the question:  Can you have too much of a good thing?  Personally I do not prefer fake breasts, because they are in fact, fake.  It is akin to bra stuffing.  It doesn’t matter to me if the falsies are on the outside or the inside; they are still “false”.  It doesn’t matter if your “date” is 5% plastic or 100% plastic.  Plastic is still plastic.  Implants are acceptable for medical reasons or if a woman is a member of the IBTC (Itty, Bitty, Titty, Committee), but if you are adequate, I see no reason to become more than adequate.

"Fun Bags?"
Of course I know this opinion is in the minority among guys. Most guys love big, firm, fake, breasts.  But can men be so clueless and dense to be fooled by bags of silicone strategically placed?  Okay, stupid question.   Put a pair of large, fake, hooters in front of a man and his brain completely shuts down.
Yes, most men are obsessed with women’s breasts whether they are real or not.  And the bigger the breasts, the bigger the obsession.  A few years ago a woman was hired at a company and the guys who worked there suspected that her breasts were enhanced.  For the next two weeks, a team of engineers worked diligently to determine the critical answer to this burning question.   Using AutoCAD to simulate key waist-hip-bust ratios, they were able to come to a thrilling conclusion: Yes they were fake, and they were spectacular.  The company soon learned to use this woman to collect contributions for company charities because it is very difficult for a guy to say “no” to fake breasts.
But I think it would be very difficult to be married to Paula (she is a divorced mother of five).  Could you sleep soundly at night knowing that she could roll over and smother you to death?  Sure what a great way to go, but you would still be dead.  You would constantly have to be careful about those jugs smacking you in the face.  It would be embarrassing to go to work with black eyes and have your co-workers ask you if your wife beat you up again.  Of course you could say, “No, I just got pummeled again by her humongous breasts. By the way, how was your evening?”
And lovemaking would be an adventure.  First you would have to wear safety goggles to bed because just like a Red Ryder BB gun, those guns could put your eye out.  Older guys would need something longer lasting than Viagra, because it would take more than an hour of foreplay to “adequately cover the terrain.” And I think you would you need extremely large hands, like an NFL wide-receiver, to keep those things under control.  If you have small hands and the session got too passionate, there could be structural damage to your house.
So even though I admire Paula’s ambition, I cannot endorse this.  Her children are against this due to the danger of “stretching, tearing and rupture”, and this is just what could happen to the clothesline when she hangs her bras out to dry.   Even though I do not agree with Paula, this is America.  So as we celebrate Independence Day, let’s be grateful that we live in a country where women have the freedom to inflate their breasts to epic proportions if they choose to.  This is a great country!

1 comment:

  1. Get the grappling hooks and spiky boots, I'm going mountain climbing!