Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Thursday, June 21, 2012

These Cannibals are Anything But Fine!

2012 is quickly becoming the “year of the cannibal”.   There have been numerous reports of human flesh eating in the civilized world this year and we have six more months to go (true).  This is very disturbing and many people have speculated on the causes of this trend.  Most people blame “zombie movies” or even the current fascination with vampires.  However, I see more blatant, sinister, forces at work.  Here are the factors that I believe are driving this cannibalistic behavior.

The Fine Young Cannibals
Back in the 90’s a group of musicians took a break from their savage ways to record some very popular music.  Even though they unashamedly admitted their cannibalism, they described themselves in very positive terms.  They were “fine”, not “bad” cannibals.  And they are not the old, uncivilized, cannibals.  No, are were new, “young” cannibals, which apparently were capable of playing guitars.

Even though they sold many CDs and made millions of dollars, no one challenged them on their dining habits.  There were just allowed to sing their songs and eat people at will.  I just hope they didn’t treat their groupies like grouper.
I pointed this out to a friend and she said that was too far in the past and to not look back.  Well let me tell you that she drives me crazy that she cannot see how influential this band can be on gullible simpletons such as her.  This is not a good thing.

Mr. Peanut
You may think of him as a cute, amusing, spokesperson, but he is a peanut and he talks about eating peanuts.  Therefore by definition he is a cannibal!  He enthusiastically promotes the taste and consumption of peanuts and other nuts and encourages people (and maybe other peanut cannibals?) to devour them in mass quantities.  And just like with The Fine Young Cannibals, the savageness of the practice is purposely downplayed.  Mr. Peanut is one sophisticated cannibal with his fancy hat, monocle and cane.

And in this same category, Pop & Fresh (aka The Pillsbury Doughboy) is very suspect.  He always shows up when baked goods are being removed from the oven.  He is very happy and cheerful even though his substance, dough, has just been baked at high temperatures to prepare it for consumption.  And let’s face it, he is more than chubby, he is fat.  He is eating lots of something and he is spending way too much time around the oven for a dough ball.  I sense a scandal just waiting to happen.

PETA’s Stand Against Cannibalism
Incredibly, the most outspoken criticism of the recent cannibal incidents has come from People For The Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) (true).  Now you might wonder why you would have to state that cannibalism is in fact, bad.  It should be obvious, right?  No, PETAs point is that all flesh eating is bad, including human flesh.   I think this promotes cannibalism more than it discourages meat eating.  If a cannibal ascribes to this philosophy and sees you eating a Big Mac, he will not think eating you is wrong at all.  No PETA, eating a Poor Boy is not the same as eating a boy who is poor. Eating a leg of lamb is not equal to eating a leg of Sam. And eating finger food is not like eating fingers as food!  Use your brains before some zombie eats them for lunch.
And all this news of cannibalism is not helpful to society.  There is a reformed cannibal in my neighborhood and all this talk of man eaters has made things tough for him.  He told me that the other day, “I was thinking about eating Harvey for dinner, but I ate stew instead.”  He was interested in discussing the topic further and invited me over for dinner.  I think I’m going to pass on this one.



  1. Once again, you have made me laugh out loud!

  2. I just found you on Humor Blogs and I'm glad I did. You are a gifted writer with a wicked sense of humor. I never thought about it but you're right: Mr. Peanut and Pop and Fresh are either cannibals or promoting cannibalism. I'll never look at them in the same way again. I hope you'll visit me at Chubby Chatterbox where I write about humor and nostalgia. I think we might have a lot in common. If you do come for a visit I hope you'll take a moment to punch the Join button and I'll return the compliment. Really, your blog is too good to have so few followers. Take care and I hope to hear from you soon.

    Chubby Chatterbox