Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, February 25, 2013

The Retired Pope Should Go Fishing

Pope Benedict XVI (what happens when the get to XXX?) is retiring in a few days and because this is the first pope to retire in 600 years, many people have questions. And my readers are sending these questions to me because they believe I know everything about everything.  So here’s the first edition of “Ask Mr. Know It All”:


Is the pope’s retirement a good thing? – Ida Know, Racine, WI

When the Pope first announced his retirement he was criticized for being lazy and abdicating his responsibility.  After further review, it was determined that this was a sacrificial act of extreme holiness and esteemed godliness.  Both views of course are total hooey.  Let him retire now. What happens if he lives to 95? You don't want the leader of a world-wide institution wearing an adult diaper.


Why has no pope retired in the last 600 years?  Woah Jelly, Boston, MA


Word has it that the retirement benefits are horrible.  There is no pension and the 401-K plan was very bad.


Will the pope be allowed to date after he is retired and how much do you think he is worth? – Ima Golddigger, Trailerpark, TN


No, the pope will not be holding audiences with female callers.  I’m sure his priestly vows are still in effect even though he is no longer pope.  Why don’t you try calling Abe Vigoda.


How does someone go from being pope one day to being ex-pope the next day?  Bill Idiot, Columbus, OH


The de-popification process is a well-guarded church secret.  It has to be a very excruciating procedure if no one has wanted to experience it in 600 years.  Rumor has it that it begins with , well you don't really want to know the rest.  Benedict is either one tough hombre or he never read the manual.


Who was impacted the most by this decision? Dawn Garfield, Boise, ID
It is the poor cardinal who had to go tell God that the Catholic Church was making an unexpected change in leadership.  And reportedly God was really fizzed off by the news since lighting struck St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome right after the announcement (this really happened).    


What will the old pope do in retirement?  Fern Barnes, Daytona FL


The Catholic Church is very concerned about having the ex-pope interfering with the new pope.  Benedict is being exiled to a monastery just outside the Vatican.  They will keep a close eye on him because they don’t want him writing or saying anything that contradicts the teaching of the new pope. So he will be treated just like an Alzheimer’s patient at a nursing home.  They are closing his Twitter account so he can’t tweet something like: “It’s Friday during Lent and I just had a Double Whopper with Cheese – wooo, wooo!"


Reportedly Benedict was offered to star in a new reality show titled “Hey I Used To Be the Pope” which would detail his struggles adjusting to “real” life and would feature one of the Kardashians as his nurse.  The church put the kibosh on this quickly however.
A "heavenly" meal?
I do think that Benedict should just go fishing.  This should be acceptable to the Catholic Church since the first pope was, in fact, a fisherman.  In addition, it is a holy act since fish is an essential part of the Lenten season and without it many big eaters would end up in hell. 


The new pope selection process is so boring with all the secrecy and the puff of smoke.  What can be done to liven it up?   Marvin Switarski, Chicago, IL


I would have a two-hour television show called “Vatican Idol”.  The top candidates would perform papal functions and be evaluated by a panel of cardinals.   You might hear Cardinal Simon proclaim: “A blessing, you call that a blessing?  I don’t feel blessed!  That’s one of the worst blessings I’ve ever seen!


At the end you would crank up the smoke machines have the new pope emerge in full costume from the haze.  He would start to dance and then ---- Vatican Shake!  Yeah! I’d watch that!

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