Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

I Have Finally Changed My Underwear

We live in a time of great innovations. Over the last decade we have seen MP3 players, tablets, smart phones and big screen televisions, etc. But in my opinion the greatest recent creation has been something surprisingly low-tech, it is the Boxer Brief.

This is one of the greatest inventions of all time.  This wonderful undergarment combines the freedom of the boxer, with the security of the brief.  Freedom and security - these are the same concepts that make America great.  This is truly American underwear, although the last pair I bought was in fact made in Indonesia.  But regardless, let freedom ring and be secure, at the same time! 
These concepts are very important to a man and more specifically, to his man parts.  Remember the Seinfeld episode involving Kramer getting so frustrated because neither boxers nor briefs satisfied “his boys” that he just gave up and decided to go “commando”.  
This makes "the boys" very happy
But now there is the grand compromise.  The boxer and brief come together into a pair of uber-wear that is extremely pleasing to your man parts and thighs.  If our government leaders would compromise like this, our country would be so awesome that we could take over Canada and Mexico without any resistance.  After we gave their leaders the finest boxer briefs available, they would be so delighted they would sign over their territories without a fight. 

For years there was a lively debate over which was better, the boxer or the brief.  President Bill Clinton even commented on the subject in 1994, although we know his focus was never on getting into “men’s” undergarments.  Once a younger co-worker of mine became discouraged because a survey said women preferred men wearing boxers over briefs.  My friend was a brief wearer and said to me, “Don, I just don’t get it.  Why would women say that?” I told him that he is never going to understand women.  But I also told him that it doesn’t matter which they prefer because once you get to the point where they can see your skivvies, all that matters is that they are clean and atheistic (without any hole-liness).  You are just going pull them off quickly anyhow, so you don’t need to make a change. 

But this once heated debate is over.  The boxer brief is truly superior to any other underwear.   The only reason boxers and briefs are still sold is men have issues with changing their underwear.  Men put as much apprehension into making a decision to change their type of underwear as they put into changing their religion.  Under no circumstance do you want to upset your man parts.  I can still remember purchasing my first pair of boxer briefs.  I nervously looked around to see if anyone was watching me at the underwear rack.  I made my selection and keep them hidden under my arm while waiting in line.  I was worried the cashier might give me a strange look for buying such “weird” shorts.  She didn’t flinch, but she did have to swipe my credit card for me since I was shaking so badly.

But when I got home and put on the new boxer briefs for the first time, it was like having a religious experience.  If my man parts could, they would have been singing for joy.  I have been sporting boxer briefs ever since. 
I believe the inventor of the boxer brief should win the Nobel Peace Prize because this invention has enabled my man parts and thighs to live in perfect peace.  The war in my pants has ended.  We have harmony, we have tranquility, and we are all living in one accord (with no chafing!). 

And it’s getting even better! My newest pairs of boxer briefs are treated with an anti-microbial to inhibit odor.  When I am wearing these, I feel like I can meet any challenge, scale any mountain and vanquish any foe.  If they ever invent a pair of boxer briefs with a muffler on the back, I will rule the world!

1 comment:

  1. And you passed up a chance to refer to Bob Dole's response to "Boxers or Briefs"? His answer was "Depends" ...

    Anyway, good one!