Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, March 25, 2013

I Am Pitbull - So Don’t Stop My Party

A couple of my friends dealt with mid-life crises by buying very expensive, red, convertibles.  I am going through my own mid-life crisis but it could take me a long time just to get into one of those sports cars and you can forget about the thrill of the wind blowing through my hair.  So I dealt with my situation in a much more rational and mature way: I decided to prove to the world that I’ve still “got it”, by trying to be like the rapper Pitbull.

Pitbull is that cool guy with the shaved head in those beer commercials who apparently is very concerned about curfews because he keeps shouting “Don’t stop the party”.  He is very popular because when he raps he gets so into it the he gyrates as if he is having a seizure.  People love this, but if he ever does have a seizure during a concert, he is toast because everyone will keep partying instead of calling 911.

Pitbull’s other trademark is his super-stylish sunglasses which he wears all the time.  Since I already am sporting the shaved head, it was time to visit the yuppie sunglasses store at the mall.  I showed the babelicious saleswoman Katie a photo of Pitbull with shades and she found three pairs that were “bull worthy”.   I found the one I liked the best and looked in the mirror.  I was wearing my black leather jacket and the effect was stunning.

“I look bad-ass”, I exclaimed.

“You do look bad-ass.  You look very bad-ass”, said Katie

Of course when a hot chick tells a guy my age that he looks “bad-ass”, you know that I really have to have those sunglasses.

There was only one more detail.  It is very important that a guy’s sunglasses enable him to stare at women’s boobs undetected.

“Can you tell that I am staring at your boobs?" I asked Katie.

Katie looked carefully and said, “I can see your eyes, but I can’t tell where they are focused”.

She then proceeded to pose from various distances and angles while I admired her body (really happened.)

When I pointed out to Katie that I had just convinced a smoking hot woman to let me stare at her in various positions, she blushed big time.  I immediately apologized; worried that I had crossed the line.

"That’s perfectly fine", Katie cooed.  “In fact that sounded like something Pitbull would say.  I think those glasses are working for you.  You have a much more confident attitude.”
At this, I immediately removed the glasses because I was afraid that Katie was going to embrace me right there in the store. The total came to $234.75, which is probably more than I have paid for all the sunglasses I have ever owned in my life.

Now some of you might be thinking that this is too much money to pay for a pair of sunglasses when there are so many starving children in Africa.  I say the sunglasses are cheap compared to paying $50,000 for a sports car and of course I am writing a check for $49,765.25 to the Donation Opportunity Now African Kids Enrichment fund.

I decided I had to wear the sunglasses all the time (including inside) because I paid so much for them and of course because this is what Pitbull does.  However this did cause me some unexpected problems.   First of all, I was tripping over everything at work because it was too dark.  Then during a big meeting, an executive suddenly barked out, “Ake, take off those sunglasses. What are you doing, daydreaming behind those things?”  Of course I wasn’t daydreaming!  What type of lackey does he think I am?  I was just staring at the boobs of the woman sitting across the table.

Then one day I was talking to my friend Sally in the grocery store. She was telling me about her weekend plans when she stopped suddenly and questioned, “Are you starring at my boobs?”
A gentlemen will never admit this (although I doubt very much if women mind when Pitbull stares at their boobs) so I said: “No, of course not. Why do you ask?”

Mr. Bull****
Because you are wearing sunglasses and I am wearing a $100 push up bra!  You should be staring at my boobs!

The other bad thing about wearing sunglasses is that it impairs your peripheral vision which means I never saw the bitch slap coming.  It stung really bad and there was ringing in my ears for a couple days, but most importantly, the sunglasses were not damaged.

After that incident, I am no longer wearing my sunglasses indoors, or at night, for that matter.  I can’t wait for summer to get here so I can truly transform into Pitbull.  I hope people start calling me Mr. Bull, of course people often refer to me as Mr. Bull-something already.      


  1. Don,

    This was hilarious! Keep writing.

    Kirk DeGroff

  2. My poor ole school buddy,you have obviously missed the point of mid life crisis!!The objective is to accumulate as many female observers as possible !! to achieve this,you must first purchase a motorcycle,and black leathers,black boots,and a tatoo of a necked lady on yer arm ! then... if all else fails,grow a beard,act cool with a touch of aggression,git yer dark sunglasses on, commence ta walkun with a bit of a limp,rev up that big V Twin engine in front of the mall,before gittun off,git ya a fine black leather bikers cap,and an old timmer pocket knife in a belt mounted leather case, and if this all fails,just remember, ya still got a necked lady on yer arm!!!!!!!good luck ole buddy !!!!!....ed