Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, April 8, 2013

Fifty Shades of Gray? - Try Fifty Shades of Red!

You would think by now I would be an expert in communicating with women, but recently I have had several strange conversations that ended with ladies becoming upset and disappointed. For example:

- I called my insurance agent Tina because she had made several errors on a recent quote.

“I’m very sorry about the mistakes I made”, she said.  “I’ve been a very bad agent.  Would you like to spank me?”

“Now, now, everyone makes mistakes, I said.  Just send me a corrected quote and we’ll be good.”

“Fine”, she said curtly. “I just send you a new quote then.”

- I was at my doctor’s office getting my blood pressure checked when the nurse said:

“I really enjoyed cuffing you.  I think it would be great if you cuffed me.  I’m sure it would raise your blood pressure.”

Of course I declined the offer.  She’s the medical professional.  I don’t see any benefit of me taking her blood pressure!  And shouldn’t she be trying to lower my blood pressure?

- I told a vendor that I couldn’t meet with her on Tuesday because I    was tied up in a meeting.

“Ooh, I just loved to be tied up”, she said. “Would you like to meet   some evening?”

I told her that my schedule wasn’t that tight and we could meet at my office Thursday morning.  She seemed much less thrilled with this idea.

- At lunch one day I ordered the whipped potatoes.  The waitress said:
“I just love to get whipped. What do you think?”
I told her that she should just get some potatoes to go when her shift was over and enjoy them at home.

The sexiest potatoes ever!

- I was having this lunch with my friend Cherise, when we finished eating she said:

“I want you to force me to do something I don’t want to do”

I thought quickly and replied, “Okay, you can pay for lunch.  My food costs almost twice as much as yours, so I am really sticking it to you!  And you’re responsible for the tip also.”

Cherise got real upset at the idea, so I guess she really didn’t want to do this!

- My co-worker Gail said that she wanted to be disciplined and asked me if I wanted to help.

“Sure”, I replied. “We all need more structure at the office.  You can start by making a “To Do” list every morning.”
- I was returning books at the library when the librarian said:
“Would you like it if I got very kinky?”

“Your hair looks very nice straight, but if you wanted to make it curly, give it a try”, I said.

- The perky clerk at Starbucks took my order and then asked:

“I want to get into S&M. Can you help me?”

I told her that sales and marketing would be a good field for her to consider and that I would let her know if I heard of any openings.  She looked very disappointed at my reply.
I told my friend Roger about all these weird conversations and he said that it all has to do with something called Fifty Shades of Grey.  Now this is just about the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of.  When I worked at a paint store we had over 50 shades of off-white because people were very particular about getting just the right one to match their d├ęcor.  But grey? All you really need are three shades of grey: light, medium or dark.  One of those usually does the trick.
Which shade of grey turns you on?

So ladies if you are stimulated by the thought of fifty shades of grey, just go to your local paint store and tell the guy there what you really need.  Be sure to be very explicit in your description because some guys are so dense they don’t understand what a woman is really telling them.  I’m sure the man at the paint store will be happy to satisfy any special desire you may have.

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