Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Have Cleveland Browns Fans Been Screwed Again?

Cleveland Browns fans are very worried over recent events at the Flying J Corporation which is owned by team owner Jimmy Haslam.  Everyone is concerned about just how much trouble this is going to cause the team.  So let’s review what has happened so far.

News Item:  FBI and IRS agents raid and “lock down” Flying J headquarters in Tennessee, citing issues regarding unpaid rebates.

(Now at first I thought I may have caused the problem since I had recently complained about the Flying J.  A few weeks ago the clerk at the Flying J had refused to give me my tenth cup of coffee free after I bought my first nine.  He was from Florida and he claimed that there was a hanging chad on my sixth cup and thus the card showed that I had bought eight previous cups, not nine.  However, the Feds said that the problem had to do with diesel fuel rebates, so I was off the hook.  But Jimmy wasn’t.)

In Response Jimmy Sez: This is just a little bitty misunderstanding.  Nothing to see here.  There are no rebate problems and I don’t even know about any rebates, so there are no problems. 
"I got your rebate right here" 

News Item: Everybody knew about the rebate program, including Jimmy.

In Response Jimmy Sez: Oh, you mean that rebate program.  I thought you were referring to some other rebate program that I of course knew nothin’ about.  Yeh there is a rebate program, but there are absolutely no problems with it.

News Item: Flying J employees say the rebate program was used to cheat and defraud customers.  Rebates were promised to customers but were not paid if not requested. They said workers commonly used the terms “jacking the customer” and “screwing the customer” in referring to the rebate program.

 In Response Jimmy Sez: I ain’t quitin’.

To be fair, many customers at truck stops get jacked and screwed every day.  Of course this happens in the parking lot by independent contractors practicing the world’s oldest profession.  The big difference between these ladies and Flying J, is that at least they are screwing their customers honestly.  I also doubt if they offer any rebates.
"No, we don't offer any rebates, but we are
running a 2 for 1 special"

The Browns claim that the controversy will not affect the team one bit, but you know this is not true.  For example, instead of preparing all weekend for the upcoming NFL draft, CEO Joe Banner had to go to Dillard’s to shop for new underwear.  He reported blew out most of his pairs last week.  Coach Chud and Mike Lombardi also had a few “brown outs”.

The NFL is very concerned about the situation.  The owners don’t like it if you get a speeding ticket; an FBI raid is a major faux pas.  They are now extremely suspicious of a proposal that the Browns sent the league office a few weeks ago.  Reportedly the idea was to have opposing teams credit the Browns 15 points at the beginning of every game and then Cleveland would rebate the points back at the end of the game if needed.  Of course if the other team failed to ask for the rebate, lost their rebate form, or failed to fill out the form correctly and include the receipt, the Browns would keep the points.  If this rebate program was in place during the 2012 season and opponents failed to collect their rebates, the Browns would have finished 14-2.

We do now know why Haslam wanted to buy the Cleveland Browns and not another NFL team.  The Browns fans, customers of the team, are used to getting “jacked” and getting “screwed”.  We’ve been jacked and screwed so much, we hardly even mind anymore.

How much trouble are Browns fans in this time?  We will know that things are extremely messed up if we hear these words Thursday night:

“With the sixth pick in the NFL draft, the Cleveland Browns select Defense Attorney Marvin Kammish, Harvard Law School”.

Mel Kiper:  Wow, what a great choice, Kammish finished third in the class of 1993 and is great at blitzing the prosecution ….. 


  1. I just wasted 2 min of my life reading this garbage. damn this was dumb.

  2. And another minute posting that comment!