Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, May 6, 2013

The Straight Poop On The Amish

Recently over 100 Amish people in Ohio protested a law that required all new houses to be equipped with modern wells and septic systems.  At first I supported the Amish on this since I thought the plumbing systems were electrically-powered and the Amish have an established tradition of non-electric living.
But then I found out that there are hydraulic-powered systems that require no electricity, that meet the building code.  This means the Amish were not protesting over being forced to use electricity. No, they were protesting for the right to poop outside.
Now I may support the Amish’s right of religious freedom, but I cannot support this.  This is crazy.  This is bats**t crazy, literally if you happen to accidently trap a bat in the outhouse.  If you are protesting for the right to poop outside, I will not stand with you.  In fact, I will not even stand downwind from you.  America provides many individual freedoms, but the right to poop outside is not one of them.
And I don’t think the Amish are standing, or squatting, on freedom of religion here.  I don’t believe God cares where you poop.  I can’t see where this is a religious issue at all.  Despite the expression, I don’t think it is possible to take a holy s**t, although I used to work with a guy who proved it is possible to take an unholy one.
I don’t care how pure your doctrine is, how great your church is or how pleasant your members are.  If your religion requires me to poop outside, that’s a real deal breaker.  And I shall not be moved. And when I am moved, it will be in a nice, temperature-controlled, indoor, state-of-the art, commode with electric lights and a sink nearby!
The Amish could build the house with the modern plumbing system, but just not use it.  Of course you know what would happen.  Elmer would get up in the middle of a frigid winter night.  He would have a choice to make and his flush would narc him out to the other people in the house.  “Elmer, thy buns have touched the porcelain. Ye are a sinner!”
You might think since I am a “city boy” that I have never utilized an outhouse for turdilation.  You would be wrong.  My family migrated from central Pennsylvania, right near Amish country. (Wow, when you think about it, a few miles to the east and I would be typing this blog on a manual typewriter and would be posting it by nailing a copy to your front door).  We would visit relatives in Pennsylvania when I was young and one sweltering-hot day the indoor bathrooms were occupied and I had to utilize the outhouse in the woods.  This was a very traumatic experience that I have not recovered from, even to this day.
Where you poop is very important.  It defines you.  It cultures you. It helps establish your persona.  That’s why outhouses are very important to the Amish.  They take much time and effort to construct fantastic outhouses, some of the finest outhouses in the world.  The Amish even have an expression to describe a hot Amish woman (which is an oxymoron) that says, “She is built like a brick “s**thouse”.  Because to an Amishman nothing in the world is better than a tight, sturdy, outhouse that keeps out the cold and wind on a frigid winter morning.
Hot, but not really Amish
Incredibly a variation of this expression was the basis for the Commodores 1977 hit song “Brickhouse” (She’s a brick --- house!).  Fortunately the Commodores did not sing “She’s a brick s**thouse”.  I think perhaps that could have slightly dampened the song’s appeal.  I’m sorry, any culture that positively likens a beautiful woman to the place where you poop, just ain’t right. It is certified crazy. It is bats**t crazy indeed. 
The Best Amish Group of All Time!

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