Recently I
had the awesome experience of dating Taylor Swift. Now you might wonder how I attracted the
affection of Ms. Swift, but I was wearing my $230 designer Pitbull sunglasses
and chicks just can’t resist them. I
think she may have actually thought I was Pitbull when we began the
relationship. In addition, she is from
Pennsylvania so maybe I had my Pennsylvania Dutch mojo going.
Unfortunately
the relationship lasted only 15 minutes.
No, this wasn’t speed dating.
Apparently courtships move much faster these days. However, I found out afterward that brief
relationships are common for Taylor and that I actually lasted longer than some
of her boyfriends.
What a cute couple! |
Now you might
think she left me because the sex was bad, but let me assure you that was not
the case. I can say this because the
relationship lasted only 15 minutes and my blue pill takes about an hour to
work. It wasn’t the sex, but it could
have been her unfamiliarity with my Aqua Velva after shave.
I know I
should not be dating young chicks at my age, especially since I am
married. But c’mon, this is TAYLOR
SWIFT! I mean she is smoking hot, she is
super rich and she does not appear to be too bright. In other words, many guys would consider her
the “perfect woman”!
But it ended
much too quickly. Apparently there was a
problem with our ages. Okay, so there
was a problem with my age. She said she
wanted to go back to December, but just not May/December. She said she was afraid someday I might leave
drool drops on her guitar. So the relationship came to an abrupt end.
When I was
younger I would have been crushed by this rejection, but now I just got some
nachos and everything was fine. I did
text her the next day, but she texted back “We are never, ever, ever, getting
back together”.
I thought
that was the end of this incident until I turned on radio a few weeks later and
heard Taylor wailing a song she had written about our fling:
I really thought you were the one, but
I am older than your son
I wanted me some six-pack abs, not 6 big
pounds of belly flab
You were so suave and debonair –
didn’t notice all of your ear hair
Now I’m REALLY, REALLY, REALLY MAD! – ‘cuz
you’re old enough to be my dad.
da da, - da,da, - dadadada – da da
I thought you said you were European, but that just meant always, you’re a peein’
I just wanted to frolic in Niagara, but
you said you needed some Viagra
Yeh, yeh, yeh, when I’m with you, I'm feeling “52”
Now I’m REALLY, REALLY, REALLY MAD! – ‘cuz
you’re old enough to be my dad.
da da, - da,da, - dadadada – da da
So as the
mega hit “Old Enough To Be My Dad” rockets up the charts, I am totally
embarrassed and Taylor makes a few more millions. But I have learned my lesson. I am not going to be used and have my heart
broken by a hot, young, celebrity ever again.
However if anyone happens to have Shania Twain’s cell number, please
send it over.
And in
response to Ms. Swift’s song, I have decided to write a song of my own about
the relationship.
Okay this
song writing stuff can’t be too difficult ….
I should have bought you flowers,
I should have held your hand
Should have gave you all my hours …
“Wait, what?
Bruno who? From where? So Bruno from
Mars has already done this? Okay, let’s
start over.
All you young, wild, girls
You make a mess of me
All you young, wild, girls …
What
now? Are you freaking kidding me? That
Bruno guy again!
That’s
it. Just forget I said anything about
any of this.
This is the funniest sh`t I've read in a while.
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