Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Duck Dynasty Beards Make You Smarter

Duck Dynasty is the most popular “non-scripted” show on television.  Every week, millions of people tune in to watch the escapes of these self-proclaimed Louisiana rednecks.  Now I am a big fan of the show, but I have figured out the major reason for the show’s success: It’s all about the beards.

I know Duck Dynasty has many popular themes and characters, but if you took away the beards you would have no show.  If the characters looked like New York yuppies or clean-cut Mormons, no one would watch. But because these guys have such huge beards, people think everything they say is inherently wise.  How else do you get away with saying things such as?

“Them berries are the nectar of the earth. God put them here so we could have their juices. Their sweetness is unparalleled”.


“Dealing with family is a lot like eating squirrel.  You end up getting very greasy, but in the end it is worth it”.

These beards also have mystical powers.  How else do you explain the many women who send fan mail and marriage proposals to Uncle Si?  This guy looks ragged, has poor eyesight and readily admits to having bad hygiene habits. You have to assume that at least some of his female fans have all their teeth and that a few are actually hot.
Uncle Si - Hot or not?

I think big beards are making a comeback because it makes men appear smarter than they actually are.  Remember the photos of the old scientists in your school textbooks.  You read that “Ivan Von Gorkney discovered the element Mahowidum” and you thought “Of course he did, look at the size of that beard! That guy is smart!”

And look what has happened since our Presidents stopped wearing beards.  Our last bearded leader was Benjamin Harrison in 1893.  He was no genius, but he probably was better than some of the clean-shaven goofs we have had recently.  However I do not recommend that President Obama grow a beard, because he could end up looking like one of those old communist guys and we would never want that!

I got to see the power of a big beard close up through my friend Shamus (this is the last time I let anyone choose their own pseudonym.  You are such a tool, Erin. Whoops!) Shamus took great care to grow his huge, bright-red, beard.  He used two different beard conditioners and a special shampoo to get the desired rich, fluffy, look.  I think his morning beard grooming was similar to the effort that Farah Fawcett put into her hair back in the 70’s.

Shamus works as a salesman and his power beard made him a dynamic sales superstar.  Customers always were glad to see him visit.  His company featured his face (and beard) in its print ads.  He and his beard were on fire.  His sales sky rocketed.  Shamus was by far the best salesman at the firm.  In addition, women would stop him at Wal-Mart and ask if they could touch and stroke his beard.  Many of these women had all their teeth and some were in fact, hot.

But then summer came and Shamus decided to shave the beard.  Suddenly his customers were too busy to see him.  His company decided to feature a ferret in its advertising instead of him.  His sales started to slide big time.  And women, including his wife, ignored him.  So of course he grew it back.  He told me, “The beard is back and it is angry”.  The beard is now so popular he is considering getting it its own Twitter feed: “Looking pretty good after the morning shower. Trim to follow”.

Because apparently beards make you appear smarter than you actually are, I decided I should change things up.  Many people do not fully appreciate the existential wisdom that is extruded from my vast cranium.  I believe that a beard might help people realize just how astute I really am. So I took some Rogaine, mixed it with some steroids, and then threw in some Viagra to promote length and started a diet of sea urchin and tree bark. This photo
Listen to this guy because he looks very wise!
shows the result. Now I’m looking pretty wise, don’t you think?

1 comment:

  1. Very funny! And I had no idea they make special conditioners for beards.