Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Joe’s Prostate Has A Problem

I was watching a very manly sporting event on my big screen when suddenly former NFL quarterback Joe Theismann appears with some extremely disturbing news.  Joe is very upset and seems to be in serious pain because of his prostate.  He then goes on to describe in excessive detail how his prostate has swelled to enormous proportions and the problems this is causing him.

When Theismann was quarterbacking the Redskins, he had a very athletic prostate.  It was type of prostate that would hang in the pocket and not get jittery, a prostate that could thread the needle and perform at a very high level.  But now his prostate is weaker, bloated and unpredictable, and prone to spraying errant passes all over the field.

And because Joe is concerned about his prostate, he thinks you should be very concerned about yours also.  If his NFL quality prostate has deteriorated this much, image what condition your fat, lazy, gland is in.  This did make me very concerned.  It also made me want to run to the bathroom because I had just finished a large birch beer.

But now Joe is smiling because his prostate is very happy.  He found these magic pills to shrink and control his prostate.  It turned his dominant alpha prostate into a passive super-beta prostate, that just sits quietly in the corner until you need it.  No need to see your doctor about the problem.  Who are you going to trust, some quacky geek or a pro quarterback? 
Joe's NFL caliber prostate in action

But I did feel very uncomfortable watching a former great athlete talk so vividly about a personal issue.  I want to remember Joe Theismann running for a key first down, not running for the first toilet he sees.

And Then It Happened Again

A few days later former gymnast Mary Lou Retton, the darling and gold-medal winner of the 1984 Olympics is on my television screen and she also has a problem.  It seems that all that stretching, pressing and doing power splits, have loosened up Mary Lou’s plumbing.  Her pipes have greatly widened with age and are now leaking.

This is very disappointing to all the men who were big fans of Mary Lou years ago.  She was the perfect female gymnast.  She was pretty, she spoke English, she was very flexible and she even had breasts!  Guys fanaticized about helping Mary Lou practice balancing on a beam, exercising on the floor and of course, nailing a dismount.

Fortunately Retton has found some super absorbent pads to help contain her problem.  She does seem happy with this solution, but I would still not attempt any vaults or splits without a cleaning crew standing by.
Did this cause the problem?

Retton is still very attractive, but I don’t need to know about her personal issues.  It is a real turn-off.  I want to remember her for scoring a “10” on the floor exercise not doing “number one” all over the carpet. 

And Then It Got Worse

I already thought this trend was out of control when Tony Siragusa interrupts my T.V. show.  Siragusa was an NFL lineman for 12 seasons and was the epitome of masculine machismo.  He was a hulking, strong, giant of a man.  But now, he also has a personal problem.  He is committing what amounts to illegal procedure in his underwear.  His solution is to wear inserts, a partial diaper if you will.  Sirugusa used to be one of the best guards in football, but now he is putting guards in his underpants.

I want to remember Siragusa as a tough guy who breaks through the opponents shield to sack the quarterback, not some guy who has to carry a sack of soiled shields out to the trash.  And the worst thing about this is: HE IS NINE YEARS YOUNGER THAN I AM! 

I am not making fun of these medical conditions, which are very serious and that afflict many people, including my friends.  What bothers me is that my former sports heroes are revealing very personal issues that I don’t need, nor want, to know.  This is way too much information for me.  This is making me so upset that I am close to p*$$*ng my pants, ah, uh wait, what were those things called again, Siragusa? 

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