Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

These Butts Are Big - And I Cannot Lie

Ever since the rapper Sir Mix-A-Lot sang “I Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie”, in the song “Baby Got Back”, many women have desired to have delicious derrieres like the ones featured in that music video.  Unfortunately this trend has led to the emergence of a black market butt enhancement surgery. (I learned about this alarming practice in a recent newspaper article.  Incredibly, I am not making this up!)

Legitimate butt enhancement surgery performed by a doctor costs around $4,500, but the black market variety, usually performed in someone’s garage is a “bargain” at $2,100.  I don’t know which is worse, paying two grand to let a non-doctor perform a medical procedure on you in their home or actually charging money and performing this surgery using industrial tools.

The article said women are willing to undergo the black market surgery to look better in bikinis, fill out their jeans and most importantly, to get gigs performing in rap videos.  I know this seems ludicrous to many women who desire a smaller rump, not a bigger one.   This surgery is desired primarily by younger women because, of course, the size of a woman’s posterior can expand to enormous proportions as she ages.  It is therefore very dangerous to accelerate this expansion.
Too much of a good thing?

I am not opposed to women having cosmetic surgery if the conditions are right and they have the cash, but I don’t think this is the best option for most women.  And it is not necessary for filling out your jeans since there are inserts, rump falsies if you will, that can do that for much less money.  Of all the cosmetic surgeries a woman could have, butt enhancement surgery would seem to provide the least bang for the buck.  Er, let met rephrase that.  On second thought, no, that statement is fine as is.  Although I know Sir Mix-A-Lot would disagree and he cannot lie.

The only two positive things you can say about the back-alley butt surgeons are that they are both entrepreneurs and innovators.  They did not try to emulate legitimate butt enhancement surgery which consists of inserting an implant in each cheek.  No, they developed their own method.  This consists of making an incision, inserting a tube under the skin, and then using an air compressor to pump industrial-grade silicone into each buttock.  The incision is then sealed using cotton balls and super glue. (According to the article).
So while a doctor purchases his equipment and supplies from a medical supply firm, the illegal operators buy their stuff at the Home Depot.

Clerk: Wow, another 55-gallon drum of industrial silicone.  Are you a contractor?

Buttman:  Er, yeah.  That’s it, I’m a contractor.
Clerk: What type?

Buttman: Um, let’s just say I specialize in improving back doors and back porches.

This silicone injection method actually works – for a while.  Over time the silicone begins to set up and the “patient” literally becomes a hard ass.  Very unfortunately the silicone is extremely difficult to remove and complications can result serious illness and even death. (She wanted an ass to die for and she did).

But apparently some women are willing to take this risk to achieve their goal of being “rump shakers” in the next big music video.  It does have to be very traumatic for these women to be auditioning for a video and hearing the director shout:

“Stop! Okay, third bitch from the left.  Get your bony ass out of here! Put on your skinny jeans and go home!   
And it is very rare to have a rump awesome enough to be in a music video.  As research for this post I streamed “Baby Got Back” to my 60” HD TV and after viewing it I can honestly say: “I fear big butts and I cannot lie”.

This pirate needs more booty!
However I do have compassion for these women, so I have established the charitable organization “Booty For Booties” to raise money so that woman with malnourished asses can receive legitimate butt enhancement surgery performed by a medical doctor.  This will allow these formerly flat-cheeked ladies to pursue their hopes and dreams of being big-butted, music video stars. 


  1. who is the girl in the green

  2. I do not know who she is. She is certainly not my girlfriend, and I cannot lie!

  3. girl in the green is Luscious Lopez