Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, August 26, 2013

Dr. Oz Is Full Of It

One of the biggest blowhards around today is this guy, Dr. Oz.  Dr. Oz is a medical doctor who apparently is smarter than any doctor that has ever lived.  He is also smarter than all the doctors alive today put together.  Dr. Oz gives advice on any and all medical and health issues and it is all absolutely, positively, completely, accurate!  We know this because Oprah Winfrey says it is true.   And Oprah is the closest thing we have to a modern day Buddha (both in wisdom and weight).  Dr. Oz has so much great advice that he needs a television show, books and a web site, to be able to proclaim it all.

So it may come as a shock to millions of people around the world, but due to my exhaustive research and powers of deduction I have determined that: DR. OZ IS FULL OF S**T!

Here is my evidence:

-         Dr. Oz obviously is from the Land of Oz, which means his medical license is from Oz and this is one wacky place.  I suspect some weird medical experiments have been conducted in Oz.  Think about it. The Tin Man had his heart removed, but still was able to function.  The Scarecrow had his brain removed but was still able to speak.  The Cowardly Lion was a male beast, but lacked courage.  This probably meant they had removed his ozzies, for medical research.

This is why much of Dr. Oz’s advice sounds as if it came from monkeys flying out of his butt.  This stuff may work on munchkins, but not for real people in the real world.  Just as the Wonderful Wizard turned out not to be so wonderful, Dr. Oz will someday be exposed as a fraud.  Pay no attention to the man in the blue scrubs, because: DR. OZ IS FULL OF S**T! 

-         Dr. Oz recently wrote an article saying all the things your mother did to treat your childhood ailments were wrong and did not really help you at all.   So Dr. Oz thinks he knows more than my mom about basic medicine.   Really, really Dr. Oz?

Whenever I was sick or needed any treatment, my mom did just the right thing to make me feel better.  Mom told me I would get well and I always did.  So if Dr. Oz thinks he knows more than my mom about making boo-boos heal fast, then DR. OZ IS FULL OF S**T!

-         Women listen and believe Dr. Oz because he is a good looking doctor.  Chicks dig doctors because they have loads of cash and it’s just a bonus if they are considered cute.

I first heard of Dr. Oz when my co-worker Shelia announced that she had gone orgasmic because of this “doctor” she watches on television.  I asked her if her husband was enjoying this and she said her husband was not doing this with her!  When I inquired further she told me it was all about orgasmically types of food.  I ended the conversation at this point because whatever she was doing with any cucumbers because of Dr. Oz should not be discussed at work.

Regardless, the choice of a healthcare professional should never be influenced by their appearance.  Of course an obvious exception is made for Swedish nurses, which I recommend be applied to my body whenever I get a headache.   So even though women love him: DR. OZ IS FULL OF S**T!

If all this isn’t bad enough, Dr. Oz always has that stupid smirk on his face.  It’s the type of smirk I have seen on upper management my entire business career.  The type of smirk that says: I'm peddling this huge crock of s**t and getting paid big bucks to do so.  In Dr. Oz’s case he is also making your woman go orgasmic in the process. 

So to review: Dr. Oz thinks he is brilliant.  Dr. Oz says lots of medical stuff.  But in reality: DR. OZ IS so, so, FULL OF S**T! 

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