Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Sunday, August 11, 2013

The Sanibel Vacation Chronicles – Part 1

This week I am vacationing on beautiful Sanibel Island, Florida.  The goal of the vacation is to total recharge, refresh and rejuvenate and to forget about work, worries, blogging and any other crap for an entire week. Okay, so maybe not the blogging part.  Obviously, I do need more discipline (woman reading this post who are dominatrices, please disregard this statement).

Go To Shell(s) 

Sanibel Beach is the most shelliest beach in the U.S.  I was told this by my stock broker before I left and this information proved to be much more accurate than his investment picks.  This has proved to be a distraction however.  One of the ways I defrag my brain is to take long, early morning, walks on the beach.  But, this morning I was continually distracted by beautiful, young, women in bikinis and shorts bending over to pick up seashells.   I may have not learned the art of shell collecting, but I am intently studying the technique of shell gathering by these ladies.  I guess I am not so much of a beach bum as I am a beach bum looker.  

Naturally, shell collecting is very popular here.  You can see dozens of people walking around staring at the beach even in the heat (103 heat index today – hoo yah!) looking for shells.  I even came up with a shell rap for all these Shellers: 

I think this guy is a bum looker!
It’s all about the shell game (uh huh)

You need to know my shell name (uh huh)

I got me some shell bling (yeh, yeh)

I’m the undisputed shell king (oh yeah)



Funniest Thing I Saw Today 

There was a guy jogging past me on the beach this morning who was shirtless and wearing a pulse monitor band around his chest.  From the back he looked like he was wearing a bikini top.  Later when he ran back towards me I was tempted to yell, “Hey buddy, nice tits!”, but then I realized it would be just a bit hypocritical coming from someone with middle-aged man boobs.

Fort Myers Is For Geezers 

The average age of the population of the nearby city of Fort Myers is ah, deceased.  It is literally where old people go to die.  Because of this you see some strange television commercials.  My favorite so far is this guy enthusiastically hawking cremations that are: DIGNIFIED AND AFFORDABLE!   

I don’t know what an undignified cremation would consist of.  A guy shows up with a gas can and a Bic lighter perhaps?  And do you really care how dignified this is since you are already dead.  Does the fry guy wear gloves and a suit and tie?  Anyway the dude in the commercial is way, way, too eager and happy about turning you into a pile of ashes.  If I did decide to purchase this service, there is no way I would sign the papers at their facility.  Oh no, I’m mailing that contract in.  Because of course you do not want to get burned.  At least prematurely, that is.



  1. I'll go for the undignified cremation. At the very least I can provide some entertainment for my friends and family as I'm departing this ball of rock.

  2. Welcome, well-written, and high five!