Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

She’s Always A Woman To Me

Often my co-worker Tom will let out a loud sigh which is followed by one of the following questions. “Why is she doing that?”, “Can you believe she made that decision given the alternatives?”, “Why does she have that attitude?” “She is just crazy, right?”

Of course Tom is a newlywed and in the quest for frequent, hot, sex has entered into a very strange, confusing, world.  This is a world where a human brain is fueled by estrogen instead of testosterone.

My answer to all his questions is an easy one: “Tom, you married a woman!”  He looks at me incredulous and then explains the situation in great detail and includes his possible explanations of his wife’s motives.  I listen politely and then render my wisdom gained from many years of marriage and the raising of two daughters.

“You will be very frustrated if you continue to try to figure out the female mind”, I caution.  “You can’t do it. Please stop trying now.”

“But she does things that make no sense.  Things that are clearly wrong, decisions that I would never make!” Tom protests.

“Unfortunately, these decisions and opinions make perfect sense to her”, I explain.

“Well that’s just stupid!” Tom exclaims.

“Many times she thinks your decisions are narrow-minded and stupid”, I say.

“I am never stupid”, says Tom.  “I am very intelligent and have a college degree!”

“In the words of the prophetess Shania Twain: That don’t impress her much”

“Then what am I supposed to do when she does these stupid things?” Tom asks.

“First of all, never call her stupid. You respond to it, you react to it, you dance around it, you try to guide it where you want it to go, but never try to understand it”, I explain.

Recently some male researchers in Germany tried to figure out if men could “read” and understand women by using something called “science”.  They did a study (reported in the journal Plos One) and came to this startling conclusion: MEN CAN’T READ WOMEN’S EMOTIONS. 

Stop the freakin’ presses.  This was another worthless study conducted by Captain Obvious.  If women scientists were asked to conduct this study, they would have laughed hysterically, but Wolfgang and his crew tried to find the secret and failed miserably!

If you need more evidence, mega-genius scientist Stephen Hawking was asked in a 2012 interview if there was anything he could not understand.  His reply: “Women, they are a complete mystery to me”.  So Hawking may be able to understand black holes, but when it comes to understanding other types of , ah, ah, “spaces” (perhaps the spaces between a women’s ears), he is clueless.  He is one of the smartest men alive and he is utterly clueless when it comes to understanding women.

One time I asked a gynecologist friend of mine if he understood women.  He looked at me dumbfounded and said “of course not”.  So if a guy who spends all day staring into women’s ah, ah, “essence”, yeh essence, can’t solve this riddle, then who can?

Well maybe there is one guy who does understand women.  Hugh Hefner at 86 years of age married a 26-year old Playboy Playmate in January.  His bride is very blonde and very, ah, ah, very healthy.  Disregarding any moral judgments or ulterior motives for a moment, you must have some deep, special, knowledge to take a bride this bodacious who is 60, yes 60 years younger. (You also need a tremendously strong cardio system and the capability of buying Viagra by the barrel).  So it may be possible to understand women, but this knowledge is limited to a privileged few.

So Tom is clueless, but won’t admit it.  Hawking is a genius, but knows when he is clueless. And Hef knows the secret, doesn’t talk about it, but just smiles a lot.
A genius about one thing 

A genius about all but one thing


  1. Boys and girls will do absolutely anything to survive, and there is no mystery about it at all. We lie, cheat, steal, and kill, directly or indirectly, ourselves or by proxy. Women, and men, guilty as charged, partners in crime. Next...

  2. I forgot. Will do anything to survive but always fail. No man, or woman, has ever cheated death. Men, and women, nature's useful idiots.