Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, July 15, 2013

This Sex-Ed Was “Old School” and Effective!

Recently there was an article in the local newspaper on the declining teen birth rate in Ohio (for you younger readers, a “newspaper” is a collection of Internet news articles printed out together on “pages”). This article featured the standard interview with a 19-year old woman (white, by the way, just in case Paula Deen is reading this) who is raising a 7-month old daughter.  I was feeling the expected amount of compassion for this woman, especially since her goal is to become an obstetrician someday.

But near the end of the article there is this revelation (I am not making this up): “She and the father didn’t use birth control, she admitted. But she never thought she would become pregnant”.

There are several things so, so, wrong with this.  We live in the “information age" with books, movies, social media and a gazillion bits of information on procreation and this 18-year old (at the time), could not figure out where babies come from.   Do you see all these people walking around, people on TV, billions in China?  Did you ever wonder how they got here?

Come on, this pregnancy has got to be someone else’s fault.  Of course I was having frequent sex with my boyfriend and I thought things were just fine.  And then out of nowhere, bam, I get pregnant, can you believe it?

The fact she would still admit this to a reporter makes me question if she still has doubts how she ended up pregnant.  I really don’t think she is cut out to be an obstetrician:

Patient: Doctor, I think I’m pregnant.

Obstetrician: Do you have any idea how this could have happened?

Of course she should have learned this in sex education class in high school. But the schools are failing to teach students how to add and subtract, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that they are also failing to teach them how not to multiply.

Fortunately when I was in school my friends and I learned all this important stuff from Coach Gary who taught sex-ed.  We trusted Coach Gary as an authority on the subject because he wore neck chains and aftershave and had had chest hair.  In addition, Coach Gary was known to have made “goo-goo” eyes at Miss Finch the music teacher (who was hot!) and she reportedly made “goo-goo eyes” back!

Coach Gary explained to us that during “certain frictionally activities” a man’s battleship would release millions of seamen into a woman’s “South Pacific Region” (being warm, wet, and south of the equator).  These seamen were very horny sailors and they all tried to penetrate the shoreline. 

Fortunately, most times all the seamen would drown in the ocean.  However if just one of these seamen reached shore, it would lead to a cataclysmic series of events that would lead to you someday having to actually change dozens of “poopy diapers”.  This horrible consequence was enough for us to keep our seamen under control.  What coach Gary failed to mention is that someday the captain of your battleship would “fall in love” and you would actually try to get a seaman on shore, with the ultimate result being changing the poopy diapers.    
This guy wants to score!

Of course the reason the poopy diaper threat was effective is that most guys in my generation felt an obligation to marry the woman if a seaman completed a successful mission. This factor kept most guys from releasing their seamen in the inviting waters of the Slutlantic Sea. 

However today guys indiscriminately sleep with any “doable” chick, knock her up, and suffer no consequences.  The government even pays for it! So after guys do it once, of course they go do it again. It’s a great deal. The government should call it the SSP (Slut Subsidy Program).

We may have been old school, but at least learned how to control our seamen. And thanks to Coach Gary there were fewer unplanned pregnancies and everyone was better off because of it

No comments:

Post a Comment