Recently there was an article in the local
newspaper on the declining teen birth rate in Ohio (for you younger readers, a
“newspaper” is a collection of Internet news articles printed out together on
“pages”). This article featured the standard interview with a 19-year old woman
(white, by the way, just in case Paula Deen is reading this) who is raising a
7-month old daughter. I was feeling the
expected amount of compassion for this woman, especially since her goal is to
become an obstetrician someday.
But near the end of the article there is this
revelation (I am not making this up): “She and the father didn’t use birth
control, she admitted. But she never thought she would become pregnant”.
There are several things so, so, wrong with
this. We live in the “information
age" with books, movies, social media and a gazillion bits of information
on procreation and this 18-year old (at the time), could not figure out where
babies come from. Do you see all these
people walking around, people on TV, billions in China? Did you ever wonder how they got here?
Come on, this pregnancy has got to be someone
else’s fault. Of course I was having frequent
sex with my boyfriend and I thought things were just fine. And then out of nowhere, bam, I get pregnant,
can you believe it?
The fact she would still admit this to a
reporter makes me question if she still has doubts how she ended up
pregnant. I really don’t think she is
cut out to be an obstetrician:
Patient: Doctor, I think I’m pregnant.
Obstetrician: Do you have any idea how this
could have happened?
Of course she should have learned this in sex
education class in high school. But the schools are failing to teach students
how to add and subtract, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that they are also
failing to teach them how not to multiply.
Fortunately when I was in school my friends
and I learned all this important stuff from Coach Gary who taught sex-ed. We trusted Coach Gary as an authority on the
subject because he wore neck chains and aftershave and had had chest hair. In addition, Coach Gary was known to have
made “goo-goo” eyes at Miss Finch the music teacher (who was hot!) and she
reportedly made “goo-goo eyes” back!
Coach Gary explained to us that during
“certain frictionally activities” a man’s battleship would release millions of
seamen into a woman’s “South Pacific Region” (being warm, wet, and south of the
equator). These seamen were very horny
sailors and they all tried to penetrate the shoreline.
Fortunately, most times all the seamen would
drown in the ocean. However if just one
of these seamen reached shore, it would lead to a cataclysmic series of events
that would lead to you someday having to actually change dozens of “poopy
diapers”. This horrible consequence was
enough for us to keep our seamen under control.
What coach Gary failed to mention is that someday the captain of your
battleship would “fall in love” and you would actually try to get a seaman on
shore, with the ultimate result being changing the poopy diapers.
 |
| This guy wants to score! |
Of course the reason the poopy diaper threat
was effective is that most guys in my generation felt an obligation to marry the
woman if a seaman completed a successful mission. This factor kept most guys
from releasing their seamen in the inviting waters of the Slutlantic Sea.
However today guys indiscriminately sleep
with any “doable” chick, knock her up, and suffer no consequences. The government even pays for it! So after guys
do it once, of course they go do it again. It’s a great deal. The government
should call it the SSP (Slut Subsidy Program).
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