Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, July 1, 2013

Don’t Let Just Anybody Cut In Line

As I warned, the winner of the $590 million Mega Millions lottery prize was an 84 year-old Florida woman.  This is just not right.  There is a minimum age to play the lottery; they need a maximum age limit also.  An 84-year old has no business playing the lottery and has no business winning the lottery.  So now while thousands of other lottery players get nothing for their efforts, this woman is enjoying wearing name-brand protective undergarments (which she needs a lot with all the excitement of winning the lottery and whatnot) and eating gourmet pudding (no more box-mix crap).  Just as people under 18 are prohibited from buying tickets because they don’t know what they are doing, old people shouldn’t be permitted to buy tickets for the very same reason.

And this woman seriously did not know what she was doing.  We found out after she claimed the prize that a younger woman had let her cut in line to buy the winning ticket. (The timing of the old lady's purchase is important because she had her winning numbers randomly selected) That’s right; the old lady was oblivious to where the line started.  She heard about the lottery on the radio and thought she could just waltz right up to the counter and buy her ticket.  “Oh look, goodie, there’s nobody in line” when in fact there was a long line!   I’m not sure she even knew she was buying a lottery ticket.  Maybe she thought she was paying her electric bill and they gave her the lottery ticket as a gift because she paid on time.  So this old woman wins mega-millions of dollars instead of much more deserving people like the woman with eight kids from six different men in Ohio and the meth addict in Michigan.

And what about this “kind soul” who let the old lady cut?  Do you realize that you didn’t just let her cut in front of you, but to cut in front of the other 90 people in line?  Your responsibility was not to let her cut, but to direct her to the back of the line. “Oh, way back there? That’s a long line, I can’t even see the end from here.”

Of course the younger woman who granted cuttsies says she came forward to tell her story not because she wanted any credit for being polite, or wanted any sympathy, or heaven forbid, getting a cut of the winnings for granting the cut in line.  If these things are not your motivation, then why the hell are you even talking about it?  Of course we all know that while you are telling this pleasant story on the outside, inside you are thinking: “Look you old bat, I let your sorry a** cut in line.  You owe me; you owe me so very much.  SHOW ME THE MONEY! SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

However the old lady has no concept of just how much $370 million (lump sum) really is   Okay, so I don’t have a concept of what $370 million is either, but that is not the point.  But because the old lady remains clueless, she will probably reward the younger woman by baking her a nice batch of oatmeal raisin cookies (made with fresh raisins of course, because now she can afford them). The younger woman will accept the cookies with a smile and say “How nice!” Of course on the inside she will be thinking “Cookies? Cookies? You stupid old bitch! I let you cut in line and win $370 million and all you give me is some f#@!*&g cookies? Give me some cash! You owe me some cash!

I think this changes the rules about letting someone cut in line.  Of course there are times when common courtesy dictates that you do this: at the grocery, in traffic, etc.  But now if the circumstances are such that the person does not deserve the cut or if it adds a burden to the people behind you in line, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LET THE PERSON CUT! If it makes you feel guilty, just rationalize your decision by thinking “If I let this person cut in line, it could cost me $590 million like that stupid sap in Florida!”

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